The unpredictability of the colour .

Thursday, October 29, 2015

29.10.2015. 5 years of pain. 5 years of learning to live with your absence.

So on this day, 5 years back, I was thrown into a situation I was never once accustomed to. I was soo messed up. Emotionally, mentally and even physically. Living was so painful that I know I always wished I was dead. A premature end to my rather, colourful life. Yeap. But you see, I felt no one understood the pain that I was going through. Words gave me comfort but nothing eased that pain that I felt so deep within. I spent all my nights crying. My pillows absorbed my tears but it couldn't absorb my pain. My days were spent trying to learn how to smile all over again. At least, to learn how to act infront of my friends. I was literally a walking corpse. So one day, I decided to end the pretense. To tear down my very own masquerade.

Suicide. I had planned my suicide. I knew exactly what I was going to do. I was once totally against suicide but I thought it was better to become a corpse rather than to live like one. But yes, I was saved by the Grace of God.

So the journey of "trying to live" began. I ain't going to mask the fact that I became someone else I couldn't recognise in the mirror. I did shit. But I learnt. I took full responsibility and accountability of my actions and I grew stronger from that.

The 1st two years of living was really painful. But somehow I survived. In 2013, I learnt how to smile all over again. I started to become the good'ol Vitz. But of course, things happened and I faced an emotional trauma yet again. But I guess my experiences made me alot stronger than I thought I possibly was and I overcame that without any suicidal thoughts. I was just plain angry. My blog, My Facebook and my twitter were often peppered with alot of angsty posts. But honestly when I sit back and reflect, I really think it was a complete waste of my time. I can't believe I had wasted so much of time on unnecessary things. I mean let's be honest, if I had mattered, I wouldn't be judged. So why in the world did I waste sooo much of energy on people who didn't value me ?. I don't know. But I learnt from those bitter experiences.

2014 and currently 2015 had been amazing - and of course it doesn't come without any challenges. All I know is, I'm always God's favourite child and he lovesss to put me through the most difficult situations but I know that he never let me go through it alone. He always walk along side me and ensure that I get through it and become stronger along the way. So thank you for that, Mr God. Haha. And of course, my special angel, my Godma, my Chinnamma is constantly watching me from above and I know she wouldn't let me go through shit alone. So with 2 special forces behind me, I can get through any situation right ?. DUH ! So I always believe that with heartwork and hardwork you can get through any situation. So with all these special forces behind me, alongside me, within me, I somehow managed to do alot of things that I never thought I would.

Today I take pride in saying that a girl who once almost committed suicide produced an entire episode on the topic - "Suicide in Singapore". From conceiving the idea, to penning down the thoughts, to interviewing the subjects, to selecting the soundbites, planning the episode, scripting the episode, editing the episode with the editor to packaging the entire programme. Really who would have thought that I would end up doing this on 31st December 2010 ?.

I don't know what to say. But I guess everything happens for a reason and maybe, I was selected by Mr God to one day produce this episode so that I can create an awareness of how suicide is NEVER the way out of our problems or pain.

Ok at this juncture, I think I need to come clean with Mr God. Look Mr God, I don't have a specific name for you. Infact, I don't even know why I call you "Mr" when you can even be a "Miss" or "Mrs". But I feel comfortable calling you Mr God or rather my favourite "thaadi vecha kallan". HAHA. See ... I know I have scolded you sooo bad. And I know I had broken alot of promises to you and all but hey, thank you for walking alongside me. Actually I honestly don't know how people pray .... but I often tell him this - "Look Mr God, I know you are definitely going to throw me into a difficult situation. But whatever it is, I am not going to pray for an easy situation but all I am asking if for you to walk right by my side. With you right beside me, nothing is impossible". And yes, Mr God always does that (with every other forces working their magic simultaneously).

I won't say I've stopped thinking about you. I won't say I don't cry anymore. I won't say I am not heartbroken. I won't say I have healed. I won't say I am the same old Vithiya. I won't say I don't have my scars. But I have learnt to live with your absence. I have learnt how to manage the pain. Most importantly, I have learnt how to live with a smile. I have grown to realise that the most massive characters are often seared with scars. I take pride in my scars. My scars often remind me of the journey I went through and the strength I gained from it all. So yes, plastered, sealed and I don't bleed like before. I still breathe and I know I am quite kick-ass. HAHA. So I guess I am a ... SURVIVOR ? Yea ? ;)

Lastly, a small sorry to my loved ones. I didn't think about the pain I might have inflicted one you guys if I had succeeded with my suicide. So I am sorry. I love you guys alot. I miss you Chinnamma. You would have completed this picture .... :(

You got coloured @
3:30 am
[c]d4rkang3l

The dudette

Vithiya 'Vitz'

11 Jan 1987

Undergrad (Psychology)

Manchester United

vithiyakumar11@gmail.com

Her Loves

Sports

Traveling

Books

Philosophy

Unconventional ideologies

Spirituality

Secrecy

She Detests

Backstabbers

Flirts

Arrogance

Sloth

Betrayers

Friendship-breakers

Speak Your Mind

My Counter

hit counter

Back track

April 2005[x]
May 2005[x]
June 2005[x]
July 2005[x]
August 2005[x]
September 2005[x]
October 2005[x]
November 2005[x]
December 2005[x]
January 2006[x]
February 2006[x]
March 2006[x]
April 2006[x]
May 2006[x]
June 2006[x]
July 2006[x]
August 2006[x]
September 2006[x]
October 2006[x]
November 2006[x]
December 2006[x]
January 2007[x]
February 2007[x]
March 2007[x]
May 2007[x]
June 2007[x]
July 2007[x]
August 2007[x]
September 2007[x]
October 2007[x]
November 2007[x]
December 2007[x]
January 2008[x]
February 2008[x]
March 2008[x]
April 2008[x]
May 2008[x]
June 2008[x]
July 2008[x]
August 2008[x]
September 2008[x]
October 2008[x]
November 2008[x]
December 2008[x]
January 2009[x]
February 2009[x]
March 2009[x]
April 2009[x]
May 2009[x]
June 2009[x]
July 2009[x]
August 2009[x]
September 2009[x]
October 2009[x]
November 2009[x]
December 2009[x]
January 2010[x]
February 2010[x]
March 2010[x]
April 2010[x]
May 2010[x]
June 2010[x]
August 2010[x]
September 2010[x]
December 2010[x]
April 2011[x]
May 2011[x]
June 2011[x]
September 2011[x]
February 2012[x]
April 2013[x]
May 2013[x]
June 2013[x]
July 2013[x]
August 2013[x]
September 2013[x]
October 2013[x]
November 2013[x]
December 2013[x]
January 2014[x]
February 2014[x]
January 2015[x]
February 2015[x]
October 2015[x]

Links

My Twitter account

My Facebook account

Zen Pencils

Thanks

Brushes:[1] [2]

Hosting:[1] [2] [3]

Tutorials:[x]

Image:[x]

Designer: