Embarrassment

Wah, today something so embarrassing happened man. The thing is, I always visit the SG Gay Confession page and while doing so, I saw a confession that started like "I need help" and realised it was a long one. So I spent the time reading it and realised that the crux of the confession fitted my current situation. I mean frankly, the issues surrounding it was soo similar. I thought the comments people gave were even more fantastic. So I shared it on my FB page.

Suddenly my nearest Nesha messaged and asked me if I wrote that confession in the first place. I was like "WHAT THE FUCK ?!" ! I swear I never even write anything like that. It just that I found the crux too similar and so I shared it. Then I realised that people around who knows everything might eventually think that way and so I deleted it from my FB profile. But this is downright embarrassing sia. I mean why would I want to post as a GAY ?! I am feeling so paranoid that people are thinking it might be me. Ada paavigala ! I was telling Nesha that she just made me feel so damn paranoid and she thinks I am so funny to think that way. Wahlau, you asked me if I posted such a thing and you can tell me not to feel paranoid. Seriously ?! Hahahaha. Even if people are going to conclude, assume, presume or whatsoever, I will stand tall and say I really never posted it. I don't even have a need to.

Reflections

Then I ended up chatting with her and we spoke about a particular person and I realised how much that person meant to me since day 1. I mean it was a random conversation about that person but I was re-living the past events and then I realised that how much he actually meant to me and the cute/sweet things that he has done along the way. I mean sometimes, things look too ordinary to the blinded and we ignore such acts of affection, love, care and concern. Just let me rant here.

The person is none other than Mr Logesh - my brother from another mother.




I swear I look balloon-ed up in this picture - I have no idea why but ignore my face. Just look at his can already.

Actually events pertaining to me and Logy can be really funny. Our first meet up itself was funny. A friend introduced Logy to me and a Gaylord and we got him to sing a few phrases and I was like "eh, this tall guy can sing ah" and that young but tall guy eventually went on to become an important person in my life. Logy and I had many ego clashes. I mean we all have different personalities and somehow we just carried on. We fought the war and our bond remained intact.

This bond is something that I cannot explain about. It's totally indescribable and unexplainable. Sometimes you know you have this special attachment to someone and no matter what happens, no matter how many fights you have, how many arguments you have and what not, you can never remove that person off your life - well Logesh is one of them.

Until now, I have a certain gratitude towards him because he really did help me out at the very lowest point in life and no matter what I do, I cannot repay that gratitude. So maybe that sealed the bond itself - I don't know. But yes.

Even now, with regards to all those that had happened, he was one person who refused to listen to my explanation and sent me a message saying "no matter what, I can never see you in a different light because you're too important to me". Truthfully, that can be a very cliche statement but you have no idea how much it really means to me. Trust me we have our differences but no difference can ever break away this bond that we have. There was once when we had to go on a trip and a friend and I decided to go together- away from the majority of them. Even at that point in time, with varying misunderstandings, this brother could think about our welfare. I mean it was totally too unnecessary for him and yet, the worried look was totally etched onto his face. No words were needed to explain what he was thinking but that look itself spoke volumes. Even when we get there, he constantly made it a point to know if we were back to the hotel room - safe and sound. I mean why this even necessary ?. How do you even explain all this ?. Bond. Just 1 word, bond. You know, I can really go on and on and on about him. Really, this is just like 1/3 that I spoke to Nesha about. But yes.

I don't know. People used to say that 'blood is thicker than water' but in this account this brother from another mother can debunk all this sayings. I am blessed with an amazing biological brother but brothers like him really do make me feel as if I am naturally like their sister. I mean, really, you don't need the umbilical cord that connects your mom to yourselves and to your siblings there. I mean we don't even have to talk about it. There is no umbilical cord involved here but the connection is ... how do you even explain it ?. Blessed.

Trust me, I have no idea why I am even writing all this out. Really. Nesha started a conversation about him and asked me some stuff and as I was chatting with her, I got to realise the strength of our bond. It's like a reflective session for me.

Bond is a magical word. God's way of bringing angels to you. I'm lucky because I have such angels around. Like I said, problems happen, egos clashes and what not. But maybe, I would stop feeling the pinch of that bond when I meet the God of death.

I love you Logy Paagy :) - Please don't ask me why I decided to type this out - I really have no answer.

Edited it with a picture of myself conquering the rock-climbing surface ! :P

Amen.

Like I said, it's all about the thoughts that revolve around the mind. The EEG or at least a fMRI measurement of the brain activity should say an ample bit. But then again, it's always better to hide the thoughts from the public eyes because it would elevate your status as an individual. Been there, proven right.


Anyways, I am going to speak my mind at we know where. Not in the best of mood though.

So meanwhile, I shall post this phrase to cheer one and all up ! Weeehoooo.



Naalai enrum namm kaiyil illai,
naam yaarum devan kai bommaigale.
Enraal kooda poraadu nanba,
enraikkum thorkkaathu unmaigale.
USAIN BOLT-ai pol nillamal oodu,
gold thedi varum.
Unthan vaazhviruku OLYMPIC-ai pole,
vervai vetri tharum.
Naangal rishiyum illai,
oru kushiyil sonnom,
pudicha pudi da !!

(Ethir Neechal - Speedu Speedu (Ethir Neechala da)

I was looking for a new dish to try and guess what I chanced upon ?! And how did I not think of that ! I LOVE PRAWNS LIKE CRAZY AND OF ALL DISHES TO TRY, I ACTUALLY FORGOT ABOUT THIS ?!!! Hahahaha.

Coming soon, baby !

A small shout-out

Hey Moo, I don't know if you'll read this, but I just want to say, thank you for everything. It's been a real pleasure to have the emails flying back and forth and your last email really made me feel way better. Thank you once again. I'm glad to have a friend like you. Thank you once again.

There is always a difference between 'trying to understand' and understanding it at all. Mine was a tough battle. So for those who know no inch about my battle, stay away. It's way easy to sit and comment then to go through and fight. My pain is my pain. Your laughter is your laughter. Peace out.

I was looking through BN's status and what was so funny was, she mentioned that she has a kind of irrational worry about not 'switching off' the plug to her ironbox and often come back home to do it when she leaves her house. To be very honest, I had been in such a situation before. So I told her to snap a picture of the 'plug' whenever she switches it off and see it when her mindvoice tells her that she is yet to switch off the plug. In my situation what I did was to convince my mindvoice that I had switched the plug off and I had to convince him by replaying the sequence of the events in my head. Thankfully, my mindvoice believed me. Quite strange eh ?.

So based on whatever I had learnt, I told her that I think she might have a bit of Generalised Anxiety Disorder. (Oh, we have names for every kind of anxiety-related psychological issues man. Fret man). It about having such irrational worries. But in order for this 'illness' to be confirmed, we need it to remain there for at least 6 months. In my opinion, I think that daily stressors do play a part but if you're an effective psychologist, you would also take other factors into consideration. So how about neurological factors ?.


Ok, there is this part in our brain called the Amygadala. Like I had mentioned in my earlier post, our sensory memory take in information that comes through our sensory pathways. So our short term memory has the power to capture the information and weigh their importance and disseminate them accordingly. So right now, a certain fearful information is ingrained by the sight, by the ear or any other sensory pathways and that information would attain a higher importance. The fearful informations enters our amygadala through the basolateral complex and it processes the sensory-related fear of the memories or information pertaining to that memories and heighten our fear. Quite technical but I hope it can be understood. Basically this generalised anxiety disorder is a result of a disrupted functional connectivity of the amygadala.

In relation to that, I do sincerely think I will be diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder if I cannot control my mind for more than 6 months. To be honest, the latest death in my family has made me really really paranoid. You have no idea how paranoid I have become. Every small movement and every small sound can evoke such fear in me. Worst of all, I have nightmares and you should know what I see in those nightmares. So sometimes, I can hardly have a good sleep. It happens. I made a check on the effects of GAD and this is what I got and I can't help but realised how related this instances are to my current situation.

1. restlessness or feeling keyed up or on edge
2. being easily fatigued
3. difficulty concentrating or mind going blank
4. irritability
5. muscle tension
6. sleep disturbance (difficulty falling or staying asleep, or restless unsatisfying sleep)

Anyways, I need to vent my mind off at Vitzspeaks. Too many thoughts reverberating through my mind. I need an outlet, yo ! I mean at least Vitzspeaks, understands. It's like having an alter-ego who understands me. Like a twinsoul :)

How do I begin it 
Are there words to sing it 
You  were  more  than  love  could  beOn  and  on  again
You           said     forever 
On and on again      
You  left  me behind  
I can't think about youOr live my life without you
There was so much left to see
On  and  on  again
You     said     forever 
On  and  on  again
You  left  me  behind
 Tears begin to fall 
I'm crying over you
Just like a lonely fool 
Oh my tears begin to fall 
Time  and  again
Because I'm here without you
Everyday I borrow
Tears from my tomorrow
Every hope a broken dream
As memories come back to haunt me
Oh    how  I wish    that   you   were   here   again
Tears begin to fall 
 I'm crying over you 
Just like a lonely fool  
Oh my tears begin to fall  
Time and again 
Because I'm here without you
Tears begin to fall  
I'm crying over you 
Just like a lonely fool  
Oh my tears begin to fall  
Time and again 
Because I'm here without you 
Time and again because... 
I'm here without you

The greater the propensity to love, the greater the propensity to get hurt. Very true, indeed. I still cannot believe 'Bomman' decided to sacrifice 'Manickam' for that stupid thing called love. My heart goes out to 'Manickam'. I am not going to watch this flick. I definitely cannot bear to watch him die. See, love kills. It's always better to make your heart stone-like and shed your whole emotional shit. It's always way better to be a mean fuck. I mean afterall, when you care, you get hurt. When you don't, you only get a bad name, not a broken heart.

Happy Birthday to my dearest sweetheart, my dearest Kutha darling (her name's Radha but I call her Kutha :P) - my Mom. An iron lady, a workaholic,an awesome chef, a woman who beams with naivety, a cutie who gets tensed half the time, the lady who cannot smile for the camera because her attention span is so bad


Love you baby <3 p="">


Chill-out

We were supposed to go for a nice 'Teh-tarik' session but the awesome 'Religion module' clique decided to head down for some nice drinks and food. So planned on Harry's Bar but sadly, their kitchen closed at 10. So we headed down to Blooie's. Had some good food and the guys broke 2 happy happy happy happy news and fucking hell, I am so happy for them ! One is getting married on Dec 8 and he invited all of us and the other one is becoming a Dad (his wife is 6 weeks pregnant) and most probably, she may give birth on January 13 2014 ! How awesome can it get. I am so so so so happy for him and the other guy man ! Such awesome news :)

Alamak, settling down seems to be like a priority now, eh ? Somehow I really feel as if I am growing old already.

The spy

I need to do a quick one before I set off to school. Mugging for the last paper which is on Saturday.

Anyways, I am really so annoyed with my colleague(s). It's like I don't know if it's a result of a generation gap or something else.

Woman colleague (lets call her T)


T was initially very nice and kind of treated me like a daughter. But honestly, she's a major tension party and that gets on people's nerves. I have a feeling that she's trying to act like the office manager who gets her nose busy with people's stuff. That is pretty annoying. Just for the records, I had a very soft corner for her because of the fact that she was a widow. Her husband passed away like 1 year ago and for some reason, the date his passed on has a very sentimental attachment towards me. So I really had a very very soft corner for her and I have always tried to bear with it.

Very recently I got to know that she was actually the second wife for her husband and their marriage was not registered. It was an illegal one. Basically it's like, she loved a married man and they got married within their social circle and she eventually bore him a kid. He didn't divorce his 1st wife and so, he technically had 2 wives. Her husband was a rich man - mind you, he has many famous establishments in Singapore but since she is an 'illegal' wife, she wasn't entitled to any of his properties, wealth and yea. She was at her wit's end, with no means, no experience of working and what not. My boss is a good family friend of theirs and he gave her a job and a rented roof to reside at.

I swear I feel so sad for all this but I cannot control my irritation whenever she behaves so badly. She's so jumpy and etc. Like for once, I had a client who had to sign an Affidavit and my boss had to attend to the court. So I told her to have a breakfast and come in roughly in an hour's time. When she asked me if he would be back by the time she get in, I suggested that she take her time and that I would call her to come into the office when he is back. So I was doing my work and I had to go to the toilet. I came back roughly about 10 minutes later and I saw that client inside and I was walking towards her. Suddenly T came from nowhere and barked at me infront of her. She went like "What is this Vithiya. How long do you want her to wait. Can you get her to sign" and blah blah. I swear I reached the peak of my irritation. So I barked at her back but you know, I reduced that anger level to about 25% (due to my soft corner for her) and told her "do you want me to get her to sign something with boss's review ?. Are you even aware that he has asked me to tell her to come in when he's back" ?!. She took great offence that I raised my voice to her and I felt bad. I spoke to boss and got the client to come back the next day. After that I went to apologise to her and she told me "nevermind ma. But she was complaining and asking me where you were and all. So I shouted at you to appease her". I was very annoyed with the client because she knew my arrangement with her. The very next day, she blamed my other colleague (an Old man) and said that he went 'crazy' when the client walked in because he didn't know what to do and he started complaining that I went to the toilet for 35 minutes. I was like "WHAT THE FUCK ?!".

So basically T went on pushing the blame to everyone else besides her. Then T even asked me why I had to bring my phone to the toilet. I was like "why shouldn't I ?". She went like "you went to toilet to speak on the phone right". I was like "whats the biggy ?! I have a phone and I have the liberty to do what I want to. I can bring it to the toilet, snap a picture of my shit and who are you to even comment on it ?!". But yea, she simply assumed that I bring my phone to the toilet because I hang on the phone and told me even if I don't have a pocket on my skirt, I need to put my phone into my "pocket".

Alright T is a major 'tension party' and she loves to jump into baseless conclusions. Like once, she forced me to change the password to my computer because she felt that there were spies in the office and how all the work in the office got stolen and what not. I was like how can changing my computer's password solve all this when I am not even the one who holds on to the admins rights in the office ?. So I transferred all the important documents from everybody's PC into a harddrive and passed it to boss. So there was once when the internet was down at my office and all we need was to refresh the IP address from the SingTel website. I spoke to them and that's what they told me. She insisted on asking them to come down and solve it. Both me and an IT colleague kept asking her for the password to the network so that we can easily solve it but she was like "No. You people might steal important details". I was like "with the password to an IP add ?". I mean c'mon la. All the most you can do it to connect to the internet network within a good radar not "steal details". So the person from SingTel came down (unnecessary costs) and I asked him for the IP password (she still refused to give it until the SingTel guy told her that if she wasn't giving, he cannot do anything). That SingTel guy was standing behind me as I reset the whole connection and problem was solved within 1 minute. The SingTel guy strictly told her how she could have solve the situation but suddenly, she went like "alamak, you people never even ask me for the password". I almost fainted when she replied like that. But nevermind, whatever.

T is in-charge of topping up water in the kettle, some accounting work and just to manage the peripheral stuff in the office but she prefers to stick her nose into people's affairs. To be honest, I am jam-packed with work to do and that's when she would force me to help her go to the bank to deposit money into the accounts. Once I told her off saying that I really had work to complete for the day and if I were to go to the bank today I would be done way later. Anyways, going to bank for her was just a favour so that she could hang on the phone with her friends or to relax by listening to songs. But no ! She was so irritated that I refused to go to the bank and she went on and complained to my boss saying that I was complaining that I had no work to do at all. I personally feel that banks are atrociously crowded from 12.30-2.30 and I am the sort who would prefer going to the bank after 3.30 to avoid the crowd. But she hates it. She would want me to go to the bank at 2.30 and end up coming back at 3.45 ! Such a fucking waste of time ! When I told her that banks are less crowded after 3.30, she got so angry and started assuming that I go at that time because I was meeting someone and chit-chatting with them. I don't know the story she comes up with man.

Recently I had to take leaves from work due to exams and I know that my colleagues are really way behind in terms of work. 1 colleague is close to hitting dementia and I know he has made too many mistakes and I had to step in to help him half the time and another colleague likes to distract himself with too many things and end up not doing his work. So with these 2 colleagues around and that T, I cannot trust someone to cover me until I was done. I mean, my stuff has alot of deadlines and if you were to breach it, it would simply end in alot of costs for the firm. So I wrote all the instructions in an email and sent it to everyone including my boss. Everyone found my email good. I mean I had specific instructions and I even told them of what to expect for the next few days and what to do and everything. When I came back, T showed a black face and so I thought something had happened in the office. She told me that the younger colleague didn't update my work and boss had to apologise to the Judge and pay cost. I was like "what the hell" - I had it all out in that email and I even messaged him to do it. T then suddenly shouted at my face "Look ah Vithiya, nobody likes your email. Everyone hates reading it. You think you're boss issit, to instruct us on what to do". I was like stunned. She told me then that everything was in a mess and that no one did anything in the office and she was working so hard to clear the mess (what mess - God knows because she's only in charge of accounts and she has no knowledge of the work we do).

I couldn't take it. I opened up to a colleague and he told me that since day out she had been over-exaggerating alot of things. Remember I mentioned something about me going to the toilet earlier into the entry ?. Well apparently that client walked in on that fateful day and was waiting for me. T walked in from the bank and looked at her and got so tensed and asked her why she was waiting. That client told her that she was waiting for me. T immediately got so worked up because I was not around and started throwing words and pestered everyone to ask where I was. She kept bugging the old colleague and he told her that I had gone to the toilet and she was like "ok, I want to go to the toilet to check now". That client was like "No, T, no need. I need to wait because I still have to wait for boss to review my documents. So it's ok". But T insisted on doing all that when I walked in and she raised her voice and yeap. So basically it was her own doing but she conveniently pushed the blame to the client and to that old colleague for God knows what reason.

I couldn't take all her shit and I went to speak to boss because I was that stressed out. Boss is a gem. Firstly he realised that I looked really stressed up and he was like motivating me to go against all tide just to achieve my dreams and to put aside every problem and focus on my exams. He even told me of his story on his Law degree and all. Such a gem of a man ! And then I told him about this problem and he told me that he does understand how tensed up she gets and how she over-exaggerates alot of things and he told us to understand her because she is feeling lonely and whatever she was doing is just bottled up emotions. She is so paranoid about my boss not meeting his achievements and her not having money to support her son if our business fails and so she does all this. I told boss that I have no intention to bitch about her and all but her doings are like causing conflicts among colleagues, unnecessary stress and all. Boss even told me that she had complained about that email because she felt annoyed that a "junior" was well versed with the work more than she was. I was like "blank". I didn't know what to say. So yes.

Boss spoke to her and she isn't happy. I walked into office yesterday and she showed me a real black face. I had to ask her for details on some accounts and she refused to answer me. Stress man. Hahaha.

The best thing was, I was trying to clear some some backdated work and realised that the old colleague had sent out 10 letters with no attachments to clients and all got back asking me where the attachments were and I had to like email, fax and send out all those with all those backdated work. Can die liao ! And all this while, T came behind me in the pretext of sending out a fax (the fax machine is behind me) and I caught her looking into my screen to spy on me. I mean it's easy right. I could see her reflection on my screen. I don't know what to do man. Stressed. Hahahhaa :P ! 

I fucking need to travel out man. I need a break. I need to find some people to travel to somewhere where I can like disconnect myself from all those bullshit that I am like doing through for the past few months. Really exhausted.

I saw this particular post on my Chinnamma on a friend's Facebook profile. Trust me, although it broke my heart, the beautiful message made me beam with alot of pride to have known someone like her.

Anyways, then I remembered something. May 24th is coming soon. It's my Mom's birthday. But May 24th 2008 is a day that I will never forget easily. The day an ex-bestfriend's mistake screwed up my day and made my Mom cry. Yes, my Mom cried on her birthday because of one selfish idiot's mistake. But yea, whatever. I don't wish to talk about about it. But what really mattered most was, alot of people walked out of my life then. I was like blamed for no reason and wrongly accused. Even my own Mom was very upset with me. But then, one person believed in me. Just one. Infact, that person had all the reasons to be even more angry but she believed in me.

It was none other than my very own Chinnamma. On May 25th, we went over to her place and despite being wrongly accused, I told myself that I shall bear my ex-bestfriend's mistakes and face the music but what happened there will never be easily forgotten by me. My Mom and my Chinnamma were like talking and my Mom went like "it's all Vithiya's fault..she shouldn't have told him anything" and my Chinnamma immediately cut her and went like "hey, stop blaming her la. Her conscience is clear. She only trusted her bestfriend and told him things. It's his fault if he chooses to break her trust and blabber rubbish". I swear at that juncture I just wanted to run up to her and hug her so tightly and scream a million thanks for choosing to trust me.

You have no idea how it feels when the whole world walks out on you because it chooses not to trust you and there you have someone who chooses to trust you. Hats off ! Only an angel like my Chinnamma can do something like that. Love you Chinnamma. Till today and the day I die, I will never ever forget the way you looked after passing on ... the way your body retained that warmth .. just everything because its a very depressing image of watching an angel slip away from your life.

You're up there, watching everything and I know that you would still choose to trust me even when the world thinks otherwise. Love you angel. Just give me a tight hug when you can :)

Bootlicker

I personally think that if you have developed the skill to 'angkat bola' when needed and to bootlick people's boots and kiss their asses, you would be treated like a God on any day.

A very morbid-looking picture to greet one and all. But then again, do not underestimate this powerful picture.

Today I deliberately took a day off from work (not because of exams or because I wanted to study or so) but all because I was totally shagged beyond belief. I just wanted to like take a break to sleep it out and to like do what I wanted to do for the whole day. Actually I do realise something. We people tend to underestimate the power of our brain or at least, the conduits of our thought-making processes. So I just wanted to talk about it especially since it was a recently acquired knowledge and a stark realisation that dawn upon me.

Our thoughts

Firstly people, our sensory pathways collate all the information that our sensory mechanisms capture (for instance, sight, hearing and etc) and it sends those information to the buffer place called the "short term memory" and thereafter, the information gets sorted out according to its level of importance and soon after, it 'parks' itself into our Long Term Memory. To make matters even interesting, our Short Term Memory can only hold 7 things. Scientist have found out that we can use "chunking" to store more than 7 items into our memory. Cool eh ?. So basically can you imagine all this happening less than a nanosecond or even shorter ?. I mean how many of us know that every information from our sensory pathways are being ingrained into our memory ?. So basically, thinking is a tedious process. You can get mentally tired from all those "work" right ?.

Corpus Callosum

Our brain is divided into 2 parts called the left and the right cerebral hemisphere and the corpus callosum connects the left and the right cerebral hemispheres and facilitates interhemispheric communication. How many of us know that split-brain patients normally have their corpus callosum severed in an operation called 'corpus callosotomy' ?.Well its done this way because interhemispheric electrical storm is caused on one side of the brain and it will cause severe epileptic seizures in those patients. So yes. They still function like normal people until scientist found a very interesting experiment in which we can figure out their weaknesses. I'll talk about it another day - cos I don't wish to hold some sorta class here :P ).

Coming back

Anyways coming back to my subject, thinking can be a very tiring process and so, technically we need our sleep to 'recharge' our body and mind. But what if the brain and the mind stops thinking ?. What if you know that all those information is working its way into your mind and all those information are sending the neural messages to the brain and formulate an action ? Really, having a myriad of thoughts can be tough. It can be especially tough if you're trying to ask them to "shhhh". So I kind of decided to read up more on "Schizophrenia" because this "shhh" part actually reminded me of their struggle.Schizophrenia is a mental disorder that is caused by a breakdown of the thought processes and something that elicit an atypical response. It's really so sad that people can be haunted by their own auditory hallucinations, grandiose thinking, bizarre delusions and so on. I was reading up on it and I found a video that documented a real-life incident of a boy called Gerald. I posted it on Facebook. It was quite scary and painful to watch him speak so incoherently. Then I watched another video where a person brought the Youtube users into a whole new world - to the world of patients with Schizophrenia - how they would hear voices. It was spooky. So I decided to do something. I have mapped out a plan - an idea actually. I'll elaborate it in detail on vitzspeaks.blogspot.com. I need to visit it over and over again to remind me of that plan (I can easily forget things, so yes). Let's see how it goes.


Anyways peeps, I've decided to blog on a frequent basis - yes, both blogs. Not because I want people to read but plainly because I miss blogging. Blogging improved my train of thoughts. It really did. So yes. I love the advantages of blogging and it feels like I am BACK ! Haha. So watch this space out yo. 

 

Today's paper was an average wrap. I definitely know that I could have done way better. I had an A- for the OCAS which means that if I score above 70 in this paper, I can easily expect an 'A' grade for this module and to make things really so beautiful, it's Organisational Psychology - alot of concepts from Management of Business was incorporated into this module and people who know me well know that Management of Business was my forte. So technically, the 'A' grade was supposed to be in my bag but of course, my plans got foiled. Had a real tough week and I had a major hard time trying to block out too many thoughts and yes, I got distracted a tad too many times. The focus wasn't there at all. The entire 'mugging' period was a waste of time. Really feeling so fucking fucked up that I had to forgo that 'A' grade all because I failed to block out the thoughts that arised from all this problems. It's not that I am trying to exhibit the typical paper-chasing Asian mentality here but honestly, I hate to settle for mediocrity when I know that I can achieve even better. A chance to pull up my GPA and yea ...it feels as if my dreams and hopes has vanished into thin air. Let's hope for the best.

Anyways, The Cuties are really so cute ! Each of them took turns to message me today. It was really so cute to see the way they were initiating all those conversations. Thank you dearest cuties. Appreciate it loads. YK and I were actually sitting for the same paper and YK ended early and waited till I was done just so that we could take the same bus home. Such small acts comes a long way. Thank you. So we've planned to head out for a 'tarik' session this Thursday. Need a small break to catch up with D and H also and sadly it was H's birthday today and paavam, he was down for Moral Compass and he had to do a certain question which really made us laugh out backside out. See Moral Compass is a very interesting module but the examination questions can be a major killer.

I saw a certain Vasantham celebrity who took the same paper as me. I saw his name on the board and realised it was him. He walked it like a Superstar - with shades on (for a 7.30 pm paper) and 1 pen. I was like "ada paavi, exam-kkum eppadi thaan varunnumaa ?". Hahhaa it was funny because he sat beside me and it was hard not to notice each other. So while we were doing our examination, some Indian dude's handphone rang and the song "Yeh Unnathaan" started playing. It was freaking loud and the whole hall reverberated with those heavily auto-tuned voice. At that juncture, I really swear I felt like just standing up and breaking into a dance. Just like how some loosu might do it. Really, I got no idea why such a weird thought came into my mind. Half way into the exam, I felt like using the toilet. Estimated 2 minutes and ran to the toilet with the examiner and while walking back to the exam hall, we ended up cracking some jokes and I walked into the exam hall with a smile. I noticed that some people were looking at me so fiercely (I guess there were amidst some serious thinking) and there I was, walking into the hall like a weirdo with a smile on my face. Lol.


Anyways, after much serious consideration, I've finally opened up a private blog for myself and I think the URL is supercool - vitzspeaks.blogspot.com ! Yes, so basically it's a keeper of my insecurities, my thoughts, my vents and everything else. Initially I wanted to privatise this blog of mine but then again, I have too many memories locked into each and every tab and I know that I do have a steady flow of readers who do read my old posts. So yes. I'll be blogging out general stuff here and more comprehensive ones on my personal blog.

Late last night, Dad gave 2 punch dialogues and OMG, it came right at the nick of time. It's like I was so shocked he said those 2 dialogues. The context may be different but the intended message is a major take-away. And recalling it now, I was talking to GK last night and strangely he told me the same thing too. I just turn it away but when Dad said it, I really started to think so deeply about it. Maybe it had to make sense, especially at this juncture.

Anyways, I'm mentally and physically tired and I know that I definitely cannot catch up on my sleep debt at least until 25th. I just can't wait to like sleep it all out. To take a chill pill. But once 25th is out, I swear I am going to turn the "beast mode" on. Hahaha, not weights la. But a very strict programme.

My brother - he asked me if I wanted to talk and I almost forgot that I had told him about my old mistakes. So that was his pearls of wisdom and that honestly made me realise alot of things. If you had wondered why I had deleted all my old post is because I see them as extremely pointless. Anyways, this will be my last entry on this blog (at least with regards to this situation).


First and foremost, I didn't ask him to type out this messages, or begged him to say things that I would agree to or things that I would want him to say. I only asked him to be honest. He had always been a very practical person who is very direct and frank. One of the reasons why I clicked with him so well is because of this factor. One of those to whom I can share anything and everything to.So brother, thank you again.


What is friendship ?

Basically, why must I defend my act or why must I even explain my act to people ?. If you guys had known me so well, I wouldn't even have the need to explain myself or to ask you to hear my side. If you guys had been true friends and known me so well, you guys wouldn't have been this judgmental to begin with.

To the best of my knowledge, I had performed my duties as a friend to a group of people. Some may say that I had been so unreasonable and that my behaviour had been so errant. My only point of contention (even if you may choose to dispute that I had ill-treated you and made you feel so unhappy and transformed you into a person with no self-respect) is that,  I had gone through equal bullshit with you as well and I shed my own fair share of tears and had my own share of happiness. You know it so well. I wouldn't say that I had failed as a friend. So you guys know me inside-out as a friend and if my past mistakes were to be taken as a serious blemish of my duty, as my stand as a friend, then honestly I have nothing to say.

As we grow up, many a time, we would be pushed into a plethora of varying situation which require us to exercise differing range of decisions. Through my rise and fall, I had made my decisions. I had made my own mistakes, I had learnt from them. To this day, I would say that I am thankful for such an experience because it eventually showed me who I really was as compared to who I had tried to be. I would still standby my whole decision to have chosen to come out of it and choosing to never look back. I mean afterall, it is my own decision and only I am responsible for it. Like I said, as we grow up, we would be making alot of decisions to begin with. If I am going to get judged at every turn and at every corner, then honestly, I don't need all this.

People may chose to see me as a "walking contradiction", as a "laughing stock", as a girl with "no moral values", "yucks" and whatnot. I don't know the range of your labels. You can go on and name me anything you want. Anything that would make you feel happy. All my life I thought that only strangers and imposters or even pretenders would judge you but I never knew people who understood you could judge you and place such serious doubt on your character due to your past mistakes. I'm sorry, my perspective of a friend was never such. I never judged my close friends. Yes, I had gossiped but I had never gossiped about my own close friends. I only spoke about people I knew on a shallow level. This I would agree on any day. Because I never knew I could judge close friends expecially when I knew their story and the reason behind it all.

To each, his own pain. You may have your own set of pain and etc and likewise, I have my own set of pain. As per your beliefs, I am talking about my pain to paint a sad story, right ?. Nevermind, I shall not even talk about it or explain about it. But just a note, to each, his own pain. Only I know my pain and only I know the amount of tears, heartbreaks, disappointments, anger and everything that I went through. And I had enough of all this.

I only wanted friends who would understand the story behind it all. Like I had mentioned since day one, it was never my intention to hide it all. It's just that I had no one to talk about it too and I chose who I wanted to tell it to. It was a very sensitive and personal issue of mine and I thought I was right in telling only who I felt I was going to be extremely comfortable with. I don't regret my decision. All my entries were not to take anyone down or so. I only wanted to be heard not judged. But then again, why must I fight to be heard. True friends would genuinely want to hear me out before placing their own respective set of judgments, right ?. I don't know, but this is how I saw friends as.


My decision

This is not a sad story but I had too much of beautiful memories with many people out there and it does hurt alot. It does hurt alot to affect me in many possible ways. It would continue to haunt me. But then again, I can handle it. I mean I had never chosen to be strong but the course of life has pushed me down too many times and forced me to be strong. So somehow I will get over this whole phase. If you think I had failed as a friend, then I would sincerely apologise from the bottom of my heart and to whoever you wants to judge me, you can go on, I won't defend myself anymore. Really, as I had mention, this will be my last entry with regards to everything. To those who understand me, thank you for everything. Last but not least, thank you for those beautiful memories and it's going to be really hard but life has to go on. Thank you again, I'll miss you guys. *hugs*

PS: It was definitely never an obsession as how you have thought of it. For those who continue to believe and trust me for the person I am and for the character that I have, I will be there for you'll.

"Mirror on the wall,
here we go again,
through my rise and fall,
you've been my only friend"
As long as I know I can be proud of the reflection on the mirror, I know I am threading the right path.

A small dedication

To whoever you choose to listen to me out, thank you again. You guys know who you guys are: L, M, G, R, N, PPH and the list goes on. Love you guys.

I really need that. To sleep without any thoughts. To completely rest. I had enough emotional strain for this past few days. Really too sick and tired of all this. Besides this whole exam stress - like I said, when I plan to do well I would have 1001 obstacles at my way. It just happens this way as usual. So fucking tired. It is not easy to block out thoughts and study and NO ONE have been making it any easy for me. No one. Frankly, it's going to be the hands of God if I ever am going to go through this exam.

I just can't wait for 25th. To rest. To really rest for once and for all without any thoughts, any worries, any stress.




I just watched Becksy's video. I don't know what to say but no idiot have any rights to condemn Beckham. He had his moment of folly in the 1998 World Cup when he retaliated to the tackle by Simone. Yea he was young and rash and he kicked Simone for tackling him to the ground. The WHOLE WORLD was against Beckham. Suddenly everyone decided to wear their judgmental glasses on just because he kicked another player and missed the chance to take part in the penalty shoot-out. I mean, England only had to rely on Beckham to take penalties like as if he was a natural penalty taker. But well, people need someone to blame and someone to accuse. So Beckham became the lamb of sacrifice.

But in the 2002 World Cup Beckham emerged as a Hero from a Villain. All because England was trailing 2-1 to Greece and England needed a draw or a win to qualify for the World Cup 2002. Beckham stepped up like a real hero, looked at the goalkeeper and aimed his target and bent the fucking freekick and it past the 'wall' and right into the net. What a hero he was. He was immediately lauded as the hero by that very nation that condemned him. But whatever it is, he showed the world that heros were made up of. He showed the world what condemnation can do. He eventually told the world you simply take their judgmental glasses to shove up their candy asses. He got them to shut their filthy trap. Beckham is a true hero. This is something that I loved in him. People may disagree but I loved him as England Captain ! Fantastic Beckham. See, Man Utd players are fucking legends in their own respective fields. Beckham, I will miss your freekicks man. You were the man ! Seriously.

You know this is one of the reasons why I LOVE WATCHING SOCCER. Because the players do tell you a life story and equip you with a take-away message. Thank you for being an inspiration Beckham ! And of course, thank you also showing that the world can go ahead with its condemnation as we should believe in ourselves to shut off the condemnation and emerge as heros. Such lessons don't die hard. Thank you Becksy.

Beckham's freekick against Greece.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OwUYFF_LekI

Sadness




RIP Sree Ganesh. It's really so God-damn upsetting. What more else, I just found out the truth behind it all. Really really feel so shattered. Why didn't you know that you needed help da ?. And you took such a drastic decision infront of your parents. God. I don't know how they must be feeling. Rest in peace. I'll definitely pray that your soul rests in peace. Gone too too soon.


Happy Birthday

Today's a very important day. Well it was to me back then or maybe still is. Today will be the 1st time I am not going to wish you. Because if I do, you would just think that I'm being hypocritical and what not. You never read my blog, nor my thoughts. So I would just do it here itself. Happy Birthday ! May you always be blessed with alot of happiness, good health and great wealth. May everything happen in the way you want it to :)

Rest in peace, Sree Ganesh (in white). I am not going to say we were closest of friends and etc but we were close enough for me to feel sad. I don't know what drove you to take such a decision but you had a whole load of life ahead of you. Gone too too gone. Take care and rest in peace, Handsome.

I love them to bits. No joke.

Stressed up with alot of stuff. My mind is like saturated with a plethora of thoughts. From insecurities to exam-stress to being productive and etc. Haha, really stressed up.

So let's see if I'm going to ace it all.

Vithiya 'Vitz'

11 Jan 1987

Undergrad (Psychology)

Manchester United

vithiyakumar11@gmail.com

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