The unpredictability of the colour .

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

YEAR END ENTRY 2013.

I LOVE YOU, CHINNAMMA.

I love you my Chinnamma. This year was definitely one of the worst especially since it took you away from us. I will never forget the way you looked like on 16th December 2012, 7th January, 11th January, 12th January and 13th January 2013. That memory is deeply embedded in my mind.

I really miss you so much. Things are so different without you. You were the glue that attached all of us together and things are so different now. I have too many good news to share with you and it sucks that I cannot say it to you and hear you congratulate me. I miss you Chinnamma. I really do. But I can see the way you extend your watch on us. I can feel it all. I know your works too well. On normal days itself you made it a point to watch our backs and I know that you are continuing to work alongside us. I know it, Chinnamma. Thank you so much for everything. As long as I live, I will never forget you. I will remember to live a great life like you. To be a fighter as always. I will always be one. Keep your watch on us, my guardian angel. I love you with all my heart and I know you know me really well. I miss you :'(

2) PO NEE PO

'Po Nee Po'. My debut as a director and I know the amount of accolades I got. I will never forget this maiden project of mine and I really wanted to prove many people wrong and I definitely did it. Thank you 2013.

BETRAYAL OF MY FRIENDS *JENG JENG JENG* (Your favourite trademark music)

I will be talking about 3 people primarily - 'Backstabber' , 'Jalra' and 'Disappointment'.

Before I begin dedicating this post to those who had betrayed me, toyed around with my trust and feelings, allow me to explain the rationale behind this post. Firstly, this post is not meant to embarrass or humiliate anyone. This post is here because I vividly want to remember each and every details of the betrayal because I want to harbour the exact current feelings even 10, 20, 30 years down the road. I know it seems as if I’m carrying this emotional baggage with me to the next few years but well, the exact same people who couldn’t comprehend my pain now will definitely feel that same pain when history repeats itself in future and when they’re inflicted with the same amount of pain. I mean we can all disregard the depth of pain until we come face to face with pain, right ?. So this will be their reminder on what assholes they had been and MY reminder to never let my guard down. I do have a weak heart and I easily forgive people but this time round, I am hell-bent on NEVER to sell my self-respect in the name of friendship.

Last but not least, I am going to throw down the gauntlet before you people and daringly set this open challenge to each and everyone of you’ll. If at any point in this entry I do not make sense or my arguments seem totally unjustifiable and there isn’t a tinge of some justice, then I would definitely apologise to the people involved. I am very serious about this. I am not afraid to apologise if I am in the wrong. But if I have justice by my side, then fret not, I will NEVER stop fighting for MY RIGHTS.

"Backstabber".

To be truthfully very honest here, I am not angry with your judgments about me. I was initially extremely pissed with you being so judgmental but later on, I actually had the heart to forgive you because I know that being judgmental is too deeply rooted into your system. But until now, I can NEVER forget 2 things that you singlehandedly inflicted upon me. Those 2 things are how you decided to fuck my life up during my exams and the word you used on me. To date, these are the 2 reasons why I can never forgive you. Don’t worry sweetheart, I will explain everything here.

#1 : FUCKING THINGS UP DURING MY EXAMS

You know this picture is very important especially for someone like you. You were my bestfriend and I know I never faltered as a bestfriend. I did my duties well as a bestfriend and I was really 100% serious when I said “for you, a thousand times over”. I don’t have to blow my own trumpet here but you definitely know the stuff I had done for you. Although you did irritate me a gazillion times, I did love you from the bottom of my heart and I never once faked my friendship or my feelings to you. But what did you choose to do ?. Both you and I fucked our 2012/07 examinations up. Both you and I failed one module. Do you remember ?. You knew how bad my GPA was. What did I tell you about our 2^nd year ?. You knew perfectly well when I would even start studying for my examinations. You know perfectly well that if the exams were next week, I would only faithfully start studying 1 week earlier. You knew it all. We even used to laugh about how ridiculously we were mugging for our exams. YOU KNEW ME WELL. You definitely did.

So for the 2^nd year, I suddenly knew that I will definitely score an A for my module on religion. I don’t expect others to know how hard I had worked for the research paper on that module. You were my bestfriend and you definitely knew how serious I was about scoring an A grade for that module. So I knew that I was going to get A. So I was working really hard to overturn my GPA score and I remember telling you this. In addition, you knew that my first exam was starting on 14^th May 2013 (Tuesday) and that I had 2 modules on the same day with the same timing and I decided to act like a champion and go for both the examinations. The school decided to quarantine me for the papers. So I had to sit for 1 paper from 1pm-3pm and another paper at 4pm to 6pm. Please touch your heart and say sitting for 2 totally different back to back papers in an isolated room is a piece of cake. You knew how difficult the modules on Psychology were. Your own lecturers mentioned that Psychology is not as easy course. So don’t tell me you didn’t know the kind of battle I was facing up to ?.

So you got to know things about my past on the night of 11^th May 2013 and it spilled over to 12^th May 2013. On the 12^th I was on my way to school when I received the phone call from you and “Jalra”. Do you really think I could have concentrated on mugging on 12^th and 13^th ?. As I had mentioned earlier, I am a last minute mugger. I had planned to finish up 1 module on 12^th and do another module on 13^th May 2013 and so I can come to school earlier on 14^th to mug a whole before going for both the papers. But let me tell you, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t stop my mind from thinking about my own shameful past, I couldn’t stop stop thinking about the words you used on me, I JUST COULDN’T stop thinking. I really couldn’t. I couldn’t study at all. I wasted my 12^th May 2013. I went to school and I was actually busy texting “jalra” and a few other friends. Even on the 13^th May, I couldn’t study at all. I really am embarrassed to say this but I was that weak. I was that emotionally hurt that I couldn’t stop thinking about it all and focus on my exams. So I didn’t go for one of my papers. I only went for the 4pm-6pm paper because it was the failed module and I had to go for it because I didn’t want to waste money and repeat the whole module in the July semester. And I confess here I had 5 modules all in all and 1 was the research paper and I had 4 modules to work on and I only went for 2 papers (2 modules). I really couldn’t go for 2 other papers because I swear on my Mom, I really couldn’t concentrate on my muggings because I was that emotionally hurt and I didn’t want my state of mind to jeopardize my grades or GPA in any way.

So I actually did very well. From a fucked up SGPA of 1.64 (2012/07 semester) I actually attained a SGPA of 3.21 for the January 2013 semester. Yes it is a major jump and YOU know that it’s not easy to attain such a jump in just 1 semester. But sadly right, my CGPA only made a 0.30 increase. If you want to graduate they look at your CGPA not your SGPA. Your SGPA tracks your academic achievements from year to year while cumulative GPA is the one that accounts for the kind of degree you would graduate with. It was an uphill task sweetheart. It really was.

So I actually went to my July 2013 semester with 2 modules (the one I didn’t go for the January semester) + 4 modules that I already had signed up for during the ECR and 1 U-core. All in all, 7 modules. I am sure some people in your clique have already started studying and I am sure they know the demands of just 1 module and my ex-bestfriend, I am sure you know how fucked up 7 modules can be. Yes, you may claim that it was my emotional weakness that made me do 7 modules in the July 2013 semester but as my bestfriend, weren’t you supposed to understand that you could have waited at least after my back to back papers to end before you choose to confront me ?. Look at the image I had inserted. Would my past have affected anyone in 5 year’s time ? Would it even have mattered in any way 5 years down the road ?. But GPA matters ... even 20 years down the road. I am sure you would agree with me. So you knew me so well, you apparently loved me, I called you Mom and I didn’t toy around with that word, I did joke around but I was serious about it and yet, you forgot that my education is important to me ?. You totally forgot that my GPA was important to me ?. How could you have forgotten all this ?.

Really. Until now, I can never comprehend the fact that why you chose to bring up this issue 2 days before my exams. If you truly had cared for my wellbeing, you could have waited until my exams ended before you confronted me. But you didn’t. So because of that moment of your folly, I suffered. I literally faced the brunt of your inability to handle such a situation. Some mutual friends did tell me that you lacked the ability to handle this situation and they owed it to your immaturity but why must I suffer if it’s all about your inabilities to handle a situation and what not. Do I have an answer for this ?. Look, even when you told me that you wanted to quit school during the 2013/01 semester, I scolded you badly. Because I cared about your education. Your education should be the least of my concerns – I mean I should be caring more about myself, right ?. But I acted out of sheer concern and only for the sole purpose of keeping your well-being in my mind and yet, you on the other hand could only care about your impression/judgments of me and choose to confront me 2 days before my back to back papers. Hmmmm and I am wrong if I were to be really pissed about your moment of folly ?. Really ?

Anyways, I took 7 modules and I actually did very very well. This July 2013 was my best semester ever and I got grades that would definitely be out of your league. Sorry, I am not mocking your academic ability here. But I paid the price for your moment of folly and if it was others in my exact shoes, I am sure they would have fucked up their 7 modules but I didn’t. Most of them would never be able to understand the importance of wanting to up your GPA now but I am sure, they would understand the instant they face an uphill task of improving their GPAs. In any case, the only reason I did really well and upped my GPA to the point where I am fully aware that I will graduate with a good degree is only because of the fact that GOD and my guardian angel had walked alongside me. If I were truly the kind of vile person that you and your “jalra” had conveniently made out of me, I am sure God would find 1001 ways to fuck my life up. But he didn’t. He was truly there and I have more than just this instance to prove it. Let me tell you this, neither you nor your own group of friends have any idea on how I actually struggled behind the scenes by doing 7 modules. The friends who were there during my struggles know exactly the kind of shit I went through and you guys may claim that I am naturally strong and ya-da ya-da but please la, no one can remain strong at the face of adversity. I was truly very very weak and I know God and my guardian angel walked along side me and ensured I do really well. They ensured it – why ? Cos they know me way better than you. And to think about it, I spent 6 years with you.

#2: OBSESSION

I don’t have to remind you on how the events unfolded itself on the morning of 12^th May 2013. I knew from the bottom of my heart that something was amiss on 11^th May 2013 itself.

My instinct told me that you knew about my past and that was the reason I told you “I know you know. Ask me straight off and I will answer” when you Facebook-messaged me asking if I was hiding anything from you. I’ve told you many times before that my instinct never fails me. So where was your guts at that point in time ?. The next morning, “Jalra” called me and I knew yet again that you were on the line and I was supposedly in conference and the matter was brought to light. You knew how serious this matter was and you chose to ask me in such a way ?. Honestly which human being would not react angrily when they’re embroiled in such a situation ?. I was really pissed with how you had hacked into my Facebook account and read my personal messages. I have the rights to be angry. I definitely do.

So you actually compared me to ST because you knew that ST was embroiled in a very personal issue with me and your brain actually told you to further embarrass me and to break my ego by comparing me to ST ?. And you actually used the word “obsession” on me. So right now, I got a few questions.

Why did you use the word obsession ?. I definitely think it’s because I have worn my heart on my sleeve when I was with you. I have told you about my own insecurities. I have told you about how I felt whenever it rained. I have told you just too much that you decided to use that same information against me. If you truly knew me, you definitely wouldn’t have used such a word on me. To this date, I can never forgive you for using that word on me. I wanted you to feel the impact of using such a word and so I used it against you in a very horrible way possible and I am clearly aware that you know what I am talking about. But sadly, you didn’t quite understand the context of the usage of that example.

When you read that Facebook message, I am sure you would have read from bottom up and right in the message itself I told that friend of mine that I had regretted the past and that I will NEVER go back to it again. I remember perfectly well what I had mentioned. If I had wanted to, I could always accept the invitation and revisit my past but I clearly mentioned that I will never want to revisit it. So at that juncture, that stand of mine SHOULD HAVE spoken volume about my character but it didn’t hit you hard enough ?. So what was your ulterior motive at the very end of the day ?. You should have been proud that your ex-bestfriend actually made a mistake and had chosen to reform but my reformation didn’t matter at all because all your scrutiny was focused on what I did in the past. What I did in the past mattered more than who I am in the present and who I would be in the future, right ?. So am I wrong to say that your ulterior motive right then was not to be proud of my reformation but rather, to humiliate me and to embarrass me before the clique for what I had done in the past, right ?.

I personally know that both you and “jalra” condemned and judged me because I was a person with strong morals, principles and ideals and I faltered. Well I have no explanation for why I faltered. I was simply in the wrong frame of mind and it is something that I am NEVER proud of. If I had been proud of it, I would have continued doing it. But my idol already mentioned that at least people with ideals commit lesser mistakes and so I take pride in the fact that I had ideals and principles and despite my error back then, I managed to abstain from it for 3 years. It is never easy to abstain but I have abstained from it and I am proud. I don’t need you both to be proud of me because you guys are just ordinary human beings who take great pride in humiliating someone. Well my idol never said people with ideals don’t make mistakes at all and I was human – an ordinary one as well but at least, I am proud I reformed, you guys may not be proud and you guys can continue mocking me and my ideals but I think God knows me best and he knows that I had and have reformed.

I love this picture because it speaks of the truth. Like I said, judging someone is too embedded into your system and I know it’s a habit which you can hardly kick off. But I am sure you are supposed to not judge someone especially when you set of to counsel people but like I said, you will understand more of this the day you face such instances right before your eyes.

You guys never helped me repair my future. You and “jalra” decided to judge me by my past and decided to condemn me. But I am honestly so God-damn proud to say that I repaired my future all by myself – with my own ideals and principles. Like I said, you guys don’t have any clue about the struggles I had behind the scenes. There was a reason why it took me so God-damn long to recover from my own heartbreak. You guys simply don’t have any idea why it took me that long. Like I had mentioned, you guys have no idea about what had transpired behind the scenes and I’m definitely not the sort to go around talking about my struggles.

I am not proud of my past at all. I really am not. It’s something that makes me feel embarrassed with myself especially when I know that I had compromised on my own locus of control. I didn’t even want to hide it from anyone. I told “disappointment” only because only he could understand it since he had been in the same boat before. I couldn’t openly tell any of you’ll – definitely not you, “backstabber”. Please touch your heart and said you were the kind of person I could talk everything and anything to ?. You were never. Instead you had always judged people too easily. Please, “don’t judge people, you never know the kind of battle they were/are fighting”. You really have no idea.

I was also condemned because I spoke about people like ST and showed my severe disapproval of them. Like I had mentioned, I was down that road 3 years back and I know that if you want to, you can reform. ST and a few people I spoke about never reformed. They continue partaking in the same thing I condemned them for. I know sincerely that their “battle” was merely an excuse. I know you won’t quite understand because your mindset and opinion or even contextual knowledge about things is severely limited. Go ask people who came with me to clubs recently (one of them is your close friend itself) and ask that person how ST had behaved there and then. Ask that person to compare me and ST. I can touch my heart and say, I am definitely not the kind of person you made me into. Definitely not. Like I said, don’t judge if you truly have no knowledge about it all. The reason I condemned ST and others is because I know you can reform from your bad ways and I know they did not reform and still continue to break relationships up by their vices. Think carefully and tell me whose relationship I broke. In that Facebook message itself, I had mentioned that I had reformed but I guess you were too blind to realise it all or the 6 years of friendship between us was total crap because you simply didn’t not know who I truly was because if you had known, you wouldn’t have judged me nor you would have condemned me nor you would ever have used the word “obsession”. You claimed you treated me like your daughter, right ?. Well let me tell you this, my mom knows everything and my aunt knows everything and they never used the word “obsession” on me because they know me well. I guess blood is thicker than water and a namesake relationship is merely for namesake. Right ?. You proved it, didn’t you ?.

#3: OTHERS

1) I blame you for breaking my friendship up. Yes, I walked out on them. But why did I walk out ?. I walked out because I had given up on the clique – especially on “Jalra”. You had always assassinated my character before “Jalra”. “Jalra” as we all know is a person who acts on impulse. “Jalra” can never sieve out details instantly. She is simply like that. You know, I know and we all know. So every single time we have a fight between ourselves, you share your thoughts about me to “Jalra” and what does she do ?. She instantly thinks I am a vile person and that I seek to torture you. She never approaches me to clarify her thoughts but rather waits until I open up to her and then she sees both sides of the coin and makes a rational decision. So my mistake here was that I didn’t go around assassinating your character ?. A problem should be solved by the people who are involved in it and its best if they themselves can solve it without the interference of others – especially if the person acts on impulse. So people who are younger than you pointed out to you that you SHOULD have confronted me all by yourself and telling “jalra” was a mistake – because they know how impulsive “Jalra” was. So as I had expected, “Jalra” stood true to my perception about her. I will highlight more of it later. Your character assassination of me cost me my friendship with others. You may never be able to comprehend it now but I am sure one day you would understand.

2) You claimed that I made you look like a person with no backbone. I ?

I hope you do remember who you were before I became your friend. I want you to remember what you were before we became friends. I don’t have to blow my own trumpet here. I know you know it all. Just like the picture above mentions, you weren’t as part as Rihanna but you definitely had your own share of shit until, I as a friend did save you. Never forget the past. It looks like you have completely forgotten alot of things the day you said I made you look like a person with no backbone. Before you accuse people, remember your past well. I definitely had done alot for you. I definitely did. I did go all out for you and I definitely didn’t break your backbone, infact, I straightened out your own backbone for you when I didn’t even have a need to. Never forget your roots, babe. Never.

3) I don’t stalk you in any way at all. I really don’t. But one of your own friends themselves sent a screenshot of a Facebook status of yours in a group chat to laugh at and that screenshot was sent to me. You mentioned something like your colleagues think that you’re a much happier person now and “jalra”’s comment was also there. So the question that friend of yours asked was if you were trying to seek some plain attention and if it was directed at me. I personally feel it was directed to me but let me ask you – howcome your colleagues didn’t point out about how you were as a person 6 years ago before you became my friend ?. Your colleagues didn’t know ah ?. You caused your own misery babe. Don’t point fingers on innocent people and direct your misery on them. Your stress level was caused by you yourself. So shall I also post on Facebook that until I left you, my colleagues had mentioned that I was a very grumpy person ?. Shall I post on Facebook now on how suddenly I feel soooo lucky especially after you left my life and seek some sick attention ?. I can do it too. So incidents in life would become truthful if I post it on Facebook and have a jalra to support it ? Why are you striving so hard for some plain sick attention ?. Really. Why are you so hell-bent on humiliating me as a person and to assassinate my character as a whole. Why ?.

4) “You don’t need religion to have morals. If you can’t determine right from wrong, then you lack empathy, not religion”. You have always portrayed yourself as a religious person. Well that is your prerogative. But your faith in your religion shouldn’t give you a right or even the authority to override God in his own works. Like I said, you really don’t need a religion to have morals. You clearly lack the maturity to decipher the good from the bad.

When have you understood the smaller picture ?. Your views are primarily myopic and trust me, the people around you would continue to carry your own balls until an incident happens and everyone would behave like blind sheeps. If there is one person who dares to point out your own fallacies and your own myopic views it would be me. No I am not bragging here but like I had mentioned, you know it well too. I don’t have to blow my own trumpet. And in any case, I am definitely not as religious as you may be but it never stopped me from having principles or ideals and listen to this – it also never stopped God from showering me with his blessings. Like I had mentioned, this year, I got tooooooooo lucky. I shall explain this more later.

5) Next stop portraying it to your friends that you are a true-fledged Leo and that you were a nice person and that your limits had dried out and thus, you had walked out of my life and you are never turning back. Let me bring you down to earth all over again, sweets. Just to set the records straight, like I had mentioned, I can never forgive you for that 2 things and I will never forget them in anyways. NEVER. I can easily forgive people – yes. But I am definitely not a saint to sell my pride or self-respect because this matter had me lunging at my self-respect. So remember this – I have walked away from you because I have completely given up on you and I only know that the 6 years was a complete waste. You had been there by my side when people had accused me even when I had altered your MSN conversation but as you grew older, you forgot who I truly was. You definitely did. I set my ego aside for a while just to send you a message with regards to “Poneepo”. I felt that you did a good job and it was part of my project and as a professional and as the director of that project, I had texted you a simple “thank you” for completing my project. But please, don’t even assume that I tried hard to have you back. I really don’t want you. You and “jalra” are a perfect fit and just pray that “jalra” would not backstab you again.

6) You claimed that my friends moved away and started distancing themselves from me because of what I had blogged right ?. I will explain why I felt distanced from the clique later. But before that, you do know the contents in your own private blog and I am sure you had character-assassinated the very people whom you are close to now. So if you had published those entries publicly then, then it would be the same as me writing a public entry, right ?. So if we do things discreetly, it’s ok and if we do it publicly, its wrong ?. Please don’t deny that you never bitched about any of them in your blog ?. For all I know, I know how much you had bitched about L and howcome suddenly you act as if you love him to the moon and back. Your opinion may have changed now but you did bitch about them and obviously you didn’t publish while I did. That is the only difference between us. And I honestly wouldn’t mind being lambasted for being honest here.

7) Last but not least, since you are highly judgmental and you love to judge people, can I now implore you to just help me do this one thing – can you turn the microscope to yourself and judge yourself now. Judge yourself as a daughter, as a sister, as an ex-bestfriend, as a friend (ranging from primary school to University), as a relative, as an employee, as an artiste, as a student and many more. Judge yourself. Knowing you for the past 6 years, I can honestly say, you have failed in alot of different areas. The people around you might give you blown up credentials but I am sure such credentials were compromised and will be compromised the day an issue comes between you and them and when backstabbing becomes a general forte.

2) JALRA

#1: Is backstabbing your forte ?

On 1^st Jan 2013, you came clean and told me how you had backstabbed “backstabber” and I respected you for coming clean and I also respected you for wanting to apologise for your mistakes. I did respect you then. But within less than a year you were back to backstabbing. So is backstabbing your forte ? Something that is technically etched in your blood ?.

Did you as a friend (lets not talk about the sisterhood that we had) bothered to find out anything about my past ?. You simply rode on the knowledge of what ‘backstabber’ had mentioned and when K and A were at the Jurong McDonald’s with you and ‘backstabber’, you simply decided to take part in some fresh backstabbings – some 6 months from the time you came clean from all those backstabbings. When you first backstabbed “backstabber” you claimed that you got confused with what Kelvin and Mehraaj had mentioned and you were pissed and it all happened. So when A asked what happened between me and the clique, you decided that “this kenaechi will not be there to question you there and that or probably that this kenaechi would never know about all this McDonald’s incident” and you decided to backstab me ?. Did you at any point in time bothered to clarify with me about anything ?. No. So what gave you the rights to backstab me ?. The power of having “backstabber” beside you gave you the power to backstab an old friend ?.

You called me a toxic person right ?. Howcome the paradigm didn’t shift towards you at any point in time ?. Do you think you might have been a toxic person ?

You backstabbed once and you backstabbed yet again. So what were all those tears then ? Crocodile tears ?. You never bothered to change, did you ?. Right now, I would love to talk about Kelvin and Mehraaj. These 2 people were part of our clique. The new members of our clique. You and a few others used Kelvin as much as you guys could have used and one day, I have no idea why Kelvin said that I mentioned about the MPV and about L. The funniest part is, I never had an obsession with MPVs. Anyways, so that thing made you pissed and so, the 4 of you – Kelvin, Mehraaj, L and you decided to have a sharing of opinion. L bitched the least. The 2 of you’ll took part in some serious character assassination and why is it that at the very end of the day only Kelvin and Mehraaj were blamed ?. Didn’t you partake in the character assassination too ?. You were forgiven because you were closer to “backstabber” and me and also because you met me earlier to explain your side and finally also because you cried. Correct ?. So lets say if Kelvin and Mehraaj had done what you had done, wouldn’t they still be part of the clique ?. So at the very end of the day, your tears had more value than their tears ?. Do you have any idea on how much they may have cried behind the scenes ?. You were angry with them only because they had spoken the truth and revealed the stuff that you had mentioned ?.

Let me tell you this, its really painful when you give people hope and dash it some time later. You guys definitely made full use of Kelvin (and I don’t think he was wrong to have mentioned it back then on your faces) and right after his use had expired, you guys decided to fuck him and Mehraaj up. Suddenly they became the vile people. But why weren’t they vile when you guys made use of them ?. Why weren’t they vile when you guys joined forces to backstab and character assassinate me and backstabber ?. Why weren’t they vile when they brought you guys to JB ? Why weren’t they vile when they guided you’ll in Malacca ?. Let me tell you, I pity Kelvin and Mehraaj. When I stand far from you’ll, I realise things from behind the scenes. Kelvin and Mehraaj, I am truly happy with the stuff in your life now. Life must be way better now for you guys, right ?. Keep that spirit up, fellas. God is watching and one day, the real story will surface .

#2: WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I NEEDED YOU ?

When you told me you had backstabbed “backstabber”, I didn’t judge you. I only tried to understand your issue from your own shoes and I actually told you I would speak to “backstabber” and I tried to clear your name for you just so that you relationship with “backstabber” wouldn’t be affected. If I had wanted to, I could have used this exact incident to my advantage and cooked up my own story to “backstabber” and impaired your relationship with her. But well, I was brought up by a queen and I was taught never to take advantage of a situation. So I acted accordingly and as I promised, I minimised the impact of your folly for you. So when I had an issue, you simply didn’t even bother to find out anything about it and you didn’t even bother finding out if I was alright. Just to set the records right, I was the victim in this incident and yet, you forgot to see if I was alright. Why ?. Can I say its because you were biased towards me ?. Can I say that you exercised your own favouritism here ?. So honestly, where were you when I needed you ?. Don’t tell me you moved away from me because I had blogged about you. The only truth here is, I only blogged about you the instant I realised that you actually decided to take sides. It is also very upsetting that, G, L, R, K were the ones who were trying to check on me and technically, the person who I was also close to decided to evaporate into the thin air. So I am wrong to have expected you to step out of your favouritism and check on me ?. So didn’t you actually take advantage of the situation to renew your own impaired friendship ?. From where I stand, I am allowed to assume this, right ?.

#3: Your Judgments

Very sadly, you never had the guts to come to my face and tell me that you judged me. Rather, I had to learn about it from L. So where was your guts ?. Nevermind. So I was told that you had judged me. So my question is, howcome you never start wearing your judgmental spectacle in your own house itself and start judging from your home itself ?. Why ?. I know that the exact same incident that you judged me for was replicated a plethora of times in your own home itself. So why didn’t you judge from your home itself ?. Why ? Because blood is thicker than water ?.

And you are definitely not a saint and I want you to look closely back at your own life itself and tell me how did you fail to judge yourself but actually decided to judge me instead ?.

#4: TOXIC

Some time ago, Gopi being such a genuine and nice-hearted guy that he is thought I was being ignored or so and took the initiative and started a group chat on Facebook and suggested on having a beach party and ‘backstabber’ commented saying I won’t be keen to go because exams were around the corner. So Gopi immediately replied with “Backstabber, you’re the Goddess of Assumption” and what happened after that ?. Jalra and L intervened and reprimanded Gopi and one of you guys even went to the extent of saying that Gopi wasn’t a frequent member in the clique and he had no rights to speak in such a manner to ‘Backstabber’. Honestly, did you guys really had the cheek to say he wasn’t a frequent member ?

Yes he may not be a frequent member but I personally think he was and still is one genuine guy. People may have conveniently forgotten his involvement within the clique. Backstabber, you were my EX bestfriend and I definitely had all the rights in the world to go all out for your 21^st but who was Gopi then ?. Don’t you fucking remember the amount of work he did for your 21^st ?. He didn’t even have a need to fucking bother about ensuring your 21^st was a blast but he did. He literally joined me in coordinating the programmes and I know the stress he went through for all that and please allow me to ask, where were you people ?. Oh yaaaa, you people were busy “breaking fast in JB” when Gopi was there slogging his ass off for a friend’s party and you guys dare question his integrity as a friend and his value as a clique member ? Just wondering, how long would it have taken Gopi to retaliate ? Where would you have kept your faces if he had asked you some questions ?.

I am not Gopi’s spokesman here. But as I stand far back now and look at things, I truly know that at that point in time, Gopi could have questioned you people badly but he was a gentleman and he left the matter as it was. But lets say if Gopi had a “jalra” there for him or if he even had someone who had his back, would the matter have gone unnoticed as it did ?. Sometimes you people have to understand that it’s better for people who’re involved in the matter to solve their own problems by themselves. By interfering or acting like a wayward jalra and questioning people’s integrity as a friend you would only destroy the friendship. For an instance, if you guys had allowed issues between me and “backstabber” to solve by ourselves, things would have been better and I don’t think I would have been character-assassinated.

Also, let me stress this – no one have the rights to question another on their integrity and value as a friend because all of us were there for each other when the other was MIA-ing. We have different incidents to back us up too. So let people solve their own issues themselves. Being a “jalra” would only break the friendship between people.

#5: CERTAIN CO-INCIDENCE

I suddenly realised that a few people close or had association to you had co-incidentally blocked me on Facebook. Initially I didn't put too much of thought into it until your very own close friend sent me a Facebook message and told me something about me because when I looked through the words, I had this instantaneous gut-feeling. So I hope you aren't going around in circles trying to ruin my name for me. Because God is watching and I am sure you would taste your own medicines soon.

3) DISAPPOINTMENT

I had spoken very highly of you because I really thought you understood it all but you really disappointed me alot. Initially I was confused with your messages and my replies. I did allow someone who knew you well to read all the messages (both sent and received) and that person pointed out a certain co-incidence that slipped off my mind. So if my brother had been a part of this clique and he had seen the kind of misery I went through behind the scenes, my pain would have been magnified ?. I had alot of hopes on you until that day. I am truly disappointed with you and I know I wasn't the only one.

Right here on, the Faces of the vile ones are clearly evident. The viciousness behind that smile is highly evident.

Let me tell you, there is no pride in being a jalra or in being a backstabber. There is also no pride in being a blind sheep. I mean as a clique you guys need to have each other's back. What is the point of backstabbing each other when we are fighting and apologising a year later and then backstabbing each other again ?.

What is the point of having some important people within the clique and disregarding the rest when the ball is in your court ?.

What is the point of blindly following one person's call ?. People in this very picture itself did tell me their opinions about the whole incident but sadly, they cannot exactly air their thoughts out because at the very end of the day, their own self-interest may be at stake and if you're a blind sheep who blindly follows order, it is better because your image, your "good name" will still be intact, don't they ?. So what's the point ?.

Lastly, just a few days back, people mentioned that the hatred and curses were making the friendship or bond between people grow. But let me tell this on your faces, the only reason the "bond" between you people had been growing is because, there are "jalras" in the group who could effectively carry only some balls and those who don't have their balls carried are labelled as "vile bastards" and kicked out from the group, the bond between you people continues to grow because other people have taken the blame of separating the clique - people like Kelvin and Mehraaj and there is nothing they can do about the name they had gotten because they don't have any jalras or spokesman who would speak up for them and the bond is growing because the ball in one court now. The day this bond will be subjected to some scrutiny and damage is when the ball gets separated into different courts. I used to believe that "love will prevail". I have always used this word whenever we had fights but right now, I am convinced that the only person whom I may use the word over and over on will be Logesh. He is one person who continues to pull the strings of love, the only one who would go all out to talk to everyone despite the distance the jalras have created (and I am talking about everyone who once had been part of this clique) and also the only one I will look up to in that clique and the only one whom I would go all out for. Logesh, thank you for having my back and I am truly sorry to have spoken about people close to your heart. I had to make a stand before the year ended and I hope you do understand that its a battle between me and them. Not between us.

There can never be true love within the clique when jalra-ing, backstabbing, finger-blaming and more exists. The real challenge that you guys have now is to ensure the clique doesn't get any smaller and that the same members remain. This clique used to be really big and a few other people had left because of such reasons - not that their propensity to love is reduced. Because they couldn't fight against the jalras and backstabbers. So spread real love. You have the rights to put up a million pictures of your close clique, of your outings, of your trips and all if you know that the friendship was earned and not stolen. I can vouch and say, the current friendship that you guys have, was stolen from people like me, Kelvin, Mehraaj, L, J, G, S, S, B, H and more. These people were the victims of a vicious play. Please stop doing all that and stop breaking people's hearts and hopes. Really.

I think God knew that I will be backstabbed real soon that he actually sent her to be 6 days before I got backstabbed. Such a co-incidence. But she was sent from above because she really made it a point to be there for me when I really needed someone and she never failed to put a smile on my face. She really was there throughout my struggles and ..... you made me miss those people LESS. Thank you so much dei. You showed that its not about the quantity but rather the quality. 6 years went to a waste while 7 months showed me all. I wanna say more but I am afraid that I might jinx it.

The one blood relationship (my tattoo etched in blood) that I decided to have never failed to remind me of my own strength. "Be Strong" cos I always will be. It is also a stark reminder of the pain I had to go through. Thank you Backstabber and Jalra :).

I will always follow my heart no matter what. I will NEVER let people like you, beat me up into pulps. NEVER.

1) I had to interview Mr TK for the "100 inspiring people in Singapore" to help Mr Tan in his book. Mr TK is a high flyer who will be interviewed for the book alone and it is really hard to fix an appointment with him and very strangely, he read about me on Facebook, my blog and he followed up on me without my realisation and he actually e-mailed me and Facebook-messaged me to call him and when I did, he told me he wants me to be part of his constitution team. I am not lying. I got this golden opportunity from a high flyer like Mr TK. I will announce this good news somewhere in 2014 :).

2) I got headhunted by who else, Mr Venga of Vasantham - a veteran and he offered me a job and wanted me to join his team. I swear I had no idea what was happening because it came out of the blue. The best thing I can receive is when he actually told me that he is a fan of my writings. Really, my writings ?. I don't know. I didn't even apply for this job or did I even beg anyone but I actually got it from a veteran all because of God's grace and my guardian angel's blessings. So from 2nd of January, I will be your official screen/script writer / creative writer for your Vasantham dramas. For the first time, I can display my hardwork and heartwork. Thank you for your blessings God and my angel.

3) Alot of good things had been happening including best grades for my exams and a decent recognition for my works. God's grace.

Thank you for the lessons, 2013 and I am ready, 2014 !

You got coloured @
11:48 pm
[c]d4rkang3l

Friday, December 27, 2013

God's favourite child and I am truly convinced and very much certain that I am indeed God's favourite child.

Last Friday of 2013 and I was reeling in a multitude of emotions and out of the blue, I received the BEST NEWS of 2013. Really, God you love me that much ?. I was totally paralysed with shock. I swear I couldn't even believe my own ears and I was wondering if everything was a dream until I received the confirmation text. Wow. OMG.

I didn't ask for this and yet, God gave it to me from above, Strangely from this year, alot of people had been observing that certain thing in me and they have me the idea to try that particular thing and as usual I was skeptical and now out of the bloody blue, I clinched this opportunity. It came knocking on my door and I am truly so so so so shocked. I mean getting an opportunity from a veteran isn't a joke. I know this is completely the work of God himself .... God and my Chinnamma. If only you were around, I would have shared this good news with you but then again, I know you're up there, continuously showering that love, concern and care right from above. I know it. But I wish I can hear your voice ... hear you say "Congrats ma, I know you can do it".

As I think back about the opportunity, I can't help but shed tears of joy because this opportunity is a clear reflection of God's love, nothing much. You knew me inside out, didn't you, God. You worked it all out for me. You solely did it. Everything makes sense now, God. Everything does. Thank you so much God ! I am truly so gifted to be blessed by your Love. Thank you God !

All my important ones already know the good news and I would mention it on my year end entry. God bless one and all.

"Aadama jeichomada,
nameni vaadama jeichomada,
odama run eduthom,
summavae utkandhu win eduthom"

You got coloured @
6:55 pm
[c]d4rkang3l

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Nila sooru - improvised lor.

Ok so after a long freaking time, Vitz actually had red hot hammers working inside her head. I definitely lost my cool earlier on but then again, what's the point. At this juncture, my patience is going to be a major virtue. Well I will be controlled because all this fury, anger, frustrations would work its way up on my year end post. Like I had promised, its going to be very very interesting. A shorter version would also be available on Facebook. No, not doing this for cheap publicity but I've got a strong reason and it will be revealed on my year-end post. So Vitzy, stay calm for now.

Singapore is going to be a much better place over this upcoming weekend ;) (No, no pun intended).

You got coloured @
1:19 am
[c]d4rkang3l

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Cos I had to do a collage featuring those 2 monkeys

Her Nikkah :) ! Did this collage for her and I had to pick all the romantic shots (cheh waaah) haha ! Nice eh ? :P
br>

Her 1st reception ! And I only managed to get a shot of their traditional Hindu attires !

THE BESTEST BRIYANI IN MY LIFE

Now this has to be the BEST BRIYANI I ever had in my life ! No I am not joking here but I am dead serious. I seriously fell in love with this briyani. Islamic briyani. It was soooooo good that you simply could eat it on its own. I went for 3 rounds myself and had to control myself from going for the 4th. I mean the briyani was just amazing and I couldn't control myself. Damn !!! And I'm soooo sad that these caterers don't have a restaurant and only do part-time catering. Like that how to eat it again ? :( ! I am like craving for it soooooooooooooo badly that I am always dreaming about eating it and feeling that savoury taste on my taste buds. I can even dream of the taste whenever I sleep. Yea, that is how GOD-DAMN good the briyani was. Even now as I type these words out, I can literally taste the briyani. Aiyohhh why so nice. This is when you can insert the "intha samaiyalai senjae kaikku thanga kaapu podanum" phrase. Hahahaha.

Look at the steam .... wah. The mutton condiments. OMG !!! I am dying sia.

I swear man, if I wasn't wearing a saree on that day, I would have jumped into that pan and swarm around the briyani and eat until I die. Hahaha. Shit man ... I NEED THIS BRIYANI NOW. So the girls suggested a place that has awesome Islamic Briyani around Arab Street and I really pray that it is as good as the one I ate at my dearest's reception. AND I NEED BRIYANI NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW !!!

You got coloured @
3:36 am
[c]d4rkang3l

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

11.12.13

This is like a very very very important date - why ? Because my sweetheart is entering wedlock today. Time really flew and she's like getting married today. Woah ! I'm damn fucking excited for later. It's like my first time going for a very close and loved one's wedding and literally like watching it from close proximity. Fuck yea, I'm so fucking excited for today and the 2 other days. And it's like my first time witnessing a Nikkah. Hahhaa. I still remember how I used to keep getting her nikkah dates confused with her reception dates :P

So anyways, I sent her a long message yesterday and so I am reserving my comments about her because all this will be coming up in my year-end post. It's going to be a tad too spicy a post ;) ! So sweetheart told me that she was going to print that message I had sent her and is planning to laminate it and keep in her new house. Well .... I mean I am damn touched and I also felt bad for making her cry (as in she was a little too touched) with that long message but then again, I'm sorry but not too sorry :P

At Chris's wedding with my favourites <3 font="">

Sensationalist coverage ?

Anyways today was a very eventful day. Earlier on in the afternoon, I, Vimmi and Ponni akka called SunTV network to provide feedback on their erroneous news reporting of the Little India riot incident and I swear, their unprofessional and irresponsible mannerism antagonised us to a greater extent. They simply pushed their blame on 'Reuters' world news and mentioned that their news coverage was devoid of sensationalism and even had the audacity to mention that their news report was accurate.

So that really got me off on the rough end. I sent a plethora of emails (I can't mention them out here) to various people and organisations and eventually, The Real Singapore published my article (or rather my FB Status) on their page. I'm truly like happy to note that they considered my report as credible and worthy enough to be published on their page. So thereafter, a few friends and I got to know that our Republic's High Commissioner to India, Mr Lim Thuan Kuan sent a letter to the chief editor of Sun News, Mr Umashankar and chided him them for their erroneous news coverage of that incident and even questioned their journalistic integrity. Our Minister for Foreign Affairs and Minister for Law, Mr Shanmugam also informed the public about SunTV's erroneous and sensationalist coverage of the incident and enclosed Mr Lim's letter. So a few friends and I were eagerly waiting for those asses to rectify the news and I heard they reported the accurate news today.

For those who want to have a read of the my article that was published on The Real Singapore page, here we go :- http://therealsingapore.com/content/indias-tv-says-indians-were-attacked-chinese-and-singapore-police

This is truly a moment to cherish in my life. Haha. Suddenly a huge number of strangers started sending me so many messages and friend request to thank me for stepping up for us. Haha ... truly a moment to cherish. My first initial status that brought so many likes (like the most that I've ever gotten so far) is like attached on the The Real Singapore article itself.

So I shall append the concluding status of mine which I posted a while ago here. The hashtags are omitted here though.

Firstly, hats off to our Republic’s High Commissioner to India, Mr Lim Thuan Kuan for sending a letter to the chief editor of Sun News, Mr Umashankar to castigate them on their erroneous reporting of the Little India riot incident on their news channel and for demanding that they immediately rectify their erroneous news report. In addition, my salute to our Minister for Foreign Affairs and Minister for Law, Mr K Shanmugam for informing the public about this incident via his Facebook account and enclosing the copy of Mr Lim’s letter to Mr Umashankar.

As I had mentioned earlier in my status, when my friends and I called Sun TV network in the afternoon to provide feedback to them on their inaccurate news report, they simply behaved irresponsibly and unprofessionally by shoving the blame to ‘Reuters’ world news and mentioned that their news report on the riot was accurate and even threatened us saying that they had jotted our numbers to send to their High Commission Office. So at this juncture, I’m truly contented to note that our High Commissioner, Mr Lim has vehemently chided them for their erroneous and sensationalist coverage of the incident and even questioned their journalistic integrity and in addition, provided them with credible sources to verify their news report and compelling them to rectify the news as instantly.

So my dearest SUNTVnetwork, I really hope you would decide to wipe the slate clean by validating and verifying your news resources before airing them on your channel because your channel is rated as one of the most watched channels in the world (statistics) and the least that you can do is to stop sensationalising fabrications to sell your channel. In addition, your audacity to push blames on others and to behave so unprofessionally was highly nauseating and I hope you would revamp and improve the depth of your journalistic integrity and serve your International viewers well especially since now we will all take your news coverage with a pinch of salt. Also, as a Tamil speaking Singaporean Indian, I do tune in to SunTV and I’m truly ashamed by your erroneous news reporting and I hope this incident will never be replicated in future.

To the rest of my friends, Facebook friends, random people and others who cheered me and my friends on, I extend my gratitude to each and everyone of you all for providing us the moral support. Sun TV Network had apparently rectified their erroneous news report by accurately reporting the incident on their 7pm news coverage earlier on (10/12/13). I am looking for that video link on their YouTube account and I will post them if I manage to find that video. In addition, thank you therealsingapore for posting my account of the incident and crediting me in your article. I truly appreciate your efforts. All in all, we’ve proved that we don’t need the National Day alone to show our Singaporean spirits and that, the latter is deeply rooted in our hearts and minds on every other day too.

You got coloured @
4:45 am
[c]d4rkang3l