Photolog of the day

Prayers (or rather the divine communication with our celestial friends) somehow explains the abstruse nature of the tranquility found amidst the hustle and bustle of this concrete jungle.

So my uncle had vijayadashami prayers at his place (we are not allow to have any prayers on a grand scale as the 1st year anniversary prayers for my Chinnamma is not anywhere near). So the prayer were within intimate family members and we only prayed for her (well I don't know how they did it and all but oh well).

So basically I am cannot take part in the prayers because of the monthly botheration that we are destined to encounter. So I went right after the prayers just for the food :P ! Hahaha. But sadly, my cousins had some other plan and they kidnapped me right after my sumptuous meal. Tsk !




So they called it the "Machi open the bottle" moment. So they managed to get the oldies to leave first and the rest of us bunked into the self-made garden outside the cousin's place and we had our  moments. We were totally against the idea of getting a big bottle because we were sure we would get completely washed-out and that would seem disastrous especially since each of us had an image to uphold :p !



So 1 person had 7 bottles each and well, you can imagine the amount of bottles we had altogether.


So while we had our personal moments, my cousin who is going to get married in June (or is it July) showed us the ROM pictures.


My cousin and my awesome BIL

So while looking through the pictures, I saw a picture of someone who I miss so dearly. Someone who makes my heart bleed like crazy.



I saw you my chinnamma. I saw a picture of you.

You know the best thing about pictures/photographs is the fact that you can freeze a moment right as it was at that very juncture itself. I know I was standing further away and was looking at you. Because I know that it broke my heart into pieces to watch you seated on a wheelchair. You were a very independent woman and I know that this damn of a cancer literally devoured your healthy body. It reduced you into the person that you were not. 16th Dec 2012 - the day my cousin, the day your niece got ROM-ed and how was I to know that you would leave us 27 days later at 3.16 pm ?. I never knew. I know that you were dying slowly right infront of us but I never thought you would leave us this soon.

Well the funniest thing is, I know that you masqueraded a whole load of pain behind that smile of yours. You were in alot of pain on that day and you only came because you knew deep down that you were going away soon. You wanted to witness this beautiful day and you braced that pain just so that you can witness those moments from where you stood. You were a fighter, weren't you ?.

We wanted to take a family shot with the couples and the couples wanted to come down the stage just so that we could all take pictures together with you but you insisted on taking a picture at the stage because of the beautiful decorations and you fought the excruciating pain to stand up and you walked up the stage at snail's pace with alot of determination just to take a group picture and later on, as you struggled to walk down the stage, all the burly men came to your aid and they decided to carry your wheelchair with you seated on it just to ease you of your pain and right then I saw you cry - I did see you cry because you hated the fact that you were dependent on others for something so basic. I swear I really died when I saw you cry - my figure of strength - the epitome of sheer strength breaking down right before me - I died. That image is completely etched deeply on my mind. Just so deeply. I know I told God to ease you of your pain but it's definitely easier said than done. I know you're pain-free now but fucking hell, death is soo fucking painful. It leaves behind that void .. that absolute void - incomprehensible void. The figurehead of the family is gone. It feels so different. Above all, I miss you chinnamma. I miss you so much. I miss your angelic disposition. I miss the fact that you trusted me just alot. I miss the fact that you trusted me even when the odds were against me. You knew me too well, didn't you. Blood ties ? Or was that you saw through me ?. How could you trust me even when the odds were against me and even when my own parents didn't ?. I don't know. But you knew, didn't you ?.

I should have told you that I really loved you alot and that I really looked up to you right ?. I should have right ?. The words never came out of my mouth and I only depended on telepathic connection to let let you know of how deeply I had loved you right ?. But maybe right now you would be beside me to know how much I am missing you right or am I really wrong to have assume all this ?. Maybe I should have fucking told you that I loved you and I did look up to you right ?. I mean how would you know if I didn't tell you ?. So it's my fault right ?. No I never hesitated to kiss you or to even snap a picture of you. Maybe I only hesitated because I was feeling uncomfortable about the past - Silas's betrayal. I could face you because a trusted friend had backstabbed me and somehow my family got pulled into it. I really wish he didn't do it because things would have been so much different. But what's the point ?. Chinnamma, I really loved and still do love you alot. When I saw you on my birthday I swear I wanted to scream out "I love you" but I couldn't .... and you chose to leave the next day itself right ?. So I screamed out those 3 words when you couldn't hear me out right ?. My fault. Really my fault. I should have said those 3 words when you were alive and now I face the guilt of it all. My fault ..... my fault ..




You're inside this urn. Reduced to ashes. I cannot believe that you are inside here. It hurts alot to know that you're like reduced to ashes. I definitely cannot handle the fact that the person I knew, the 1st person who carried me on 11th Jan 1987 (other than my parents), the person who meant alot to me, the person who fucking cared alot is reduced to ashes........ pain. Alot of pain. But you had to go right .... that excruciating pain you tolerated for 2.5 years... even that mental torture was horrible right ? Its better to be pain-free right ? But why must you only live for 50 years ? You DESERVE to live longer ! But who am I to decide that ?. HE wanted you closer to him I guess. But Chinnamma, I really love you alot. You were a legend. So every year as I "celebrate" the another year of life that God had given me, your death-day the very next day will remind me of how I am supposed to live like, right ?. I can never be the another you, not even close but you remain my role model. I love you Chinnamma. I really do. You're up there watching us right .... be right close to us. I miss you Chinnamma. This distance is killing. Like I cannot comprehend how can a life just stop like that. Like how can a person who lived be suddenly dead and not be talking, walking, literally be there ?. I don't know .... I don't understand the concept of death. Maybe I just don't want to. I run away from facing it ... I don't know. I just can't but ....... I just want you to know that I really love you. No drama, no acting ..... genuinely love you. I really do. 9 months on ... the pain is still unbearable.

Vithiya 'Vitz'

11 Jan 1987

Undergrad (Psychology)

Manchester United

vithiyakumar11@gmail.com

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