Back by popular demand. Hahahaha, I wish seh :P


Ok, so I decided to greet one and all with my sick chicken face. I could hardly keep my eyes open and my nose decided to leak non-stop until I had to stuff tissue paper right into my nostrils to barricade the motion of the phlegm from shifting towards the gravitational force. Muahahahaha, valzhai thatuvams :P ! Ok enjoy the humour till you can because this is going to be an emotional entry. It sure will be.


30th October 2013. 3 years. 3 years of excruciating pain, shattered dreams, broken trust, fragmented soul, deranged alter-ego and the list goes on. Thank you my Bumblebee - and only I can use that term on you. It will remain that way. 3 years and a multitude of changes. 3 years and an entire shift of that paradigm. 3 years and you single-handedly made me grow stronger than before. Thank you for breaking me up so badly. I broke into smithereens and I tried to put the pieces together but I realised that I looked different because the damage was visible and I could see the cracks myself and no superglue could reverse the damages. But I started to accept my new form because I knew I broke and I came back up - well a soldier will always be proud of his battle scars, won't he ;) ! So thank you for that because I am proud of my own scars - internal scars. You single-handedly inspired me to do a music video, didn't you. I swear I never thought I was capable of doing something like that but you made me do it. My Facebook notification is literally getting spammed non-stop by alot of people and they're all full of praises for that video. A colossal amount of strangers messaged me saying that my acting was realistic. Some lost their partners and they shared their sad stories with me and told me how my acting, the emotions I displayed onscreen made them miss their other halves and what not. I don't know .... I didn't exactly act out the pain, did I ?. Well, yes, I couldn't cry infront of the camera and I had to look at my aunt's picture - the exact picture I secretly took when she was lying in the coffin - to evoke the pain and to stir up the emotions. But well, I am too used to crying alone because in this 3 years I've grown to realise that the more you cry openly infront of them, they more they shape your character with their own preconceived notions. So yes, I couldn't naturally cry. The funniest part was, I could easily cry when I was up against the 4 walls or when I was in the shower. I don't know. But Bumblebee, thank you so much. People are praising me now and those praises should genuinely reach you. You made that happen - you gave me that strength. You were my inspiration. You made me map out the scenes in a way where it can touch many hearts around. You did it. I was contemplating on dedicating a small line to you but obviously I cannot be so open, can I ?. In all honesty, the short note at the end of the video was in remembrance of you. I don't know if you even watched it or if you knew it was for you, but it was. My picture perfect and a nightmare of a memory that I will hold too close to my heart. Thank you, my babyboy .. ex babyboy. 


Sometimes you may not know of your own strength until someone reminds you of it. To be really honest, I kind of forgot how strong I was or am until Deadpool dropped me a very surprised message after he watched the music video.

 
So I rose from the ashes. I didn't know that I actually did it. I really didn't know. I was traveling along the boulevard of agonising dreams and I got lost in the labyrinth of perplexities, almost got entangled into a web of pure deception and was on the verge of being mentally crucified. I have no idea how it was possible. I swear I have no idea. I didn't look back and I didn't realise the painful journey I had taken to be right here. I didn't know. So Deadpool, thank you so much for that message. I swear it came at a very crucial time. It ameliorated this battered soul. It did and thanks for revealing my own strengths to me - I swear I didn't realise them all. I really didn't. Thanks, Deadpool.


Note

Yes, so I included a note to honour my Chinnamma and to dedicate this music video to her. But within me, the very deepest side of me was bereft of any hope. The hope that she would have watched the video. The soul was rife with a plethora of "what ifs" and it was peppered with a tinge of guilt. Maybe not a tinge because the latter reduces the magnitude of the intensity of it all. It felt so weird. The first scene I ever shot was the proposal scene. We shot that scene on 15th December 2012 and the very next day, I had to attend my cousin's ROM and I showed my Chinnamma the rough cut of the proposal scene itself and it was just about 16 seconds long. She was the first family member to watch the rough cut and her cancer-stricken face was beaming with alot of pride. I know she was proud of me on that day and before I went home, she looked at me right into my eye and told me "you must chase your dreams and achieve what you want to achieve. Well done on the video ma, if you need help please tell me ok. Wait I tell you what, since I am so free now, you come over and we shall work together on this video, ok ?" and I forced a smile and told her, "yes definitely, Chinnamma". That was a lie, wasn't it. I never did it with her. I didn't. She left me .... before I could even plan something. She left me. She never saw the whole video. She doesn't know the outcome. She doesn't know how well its being received by people. She doesn't know the number of views that video had gotten. She doesn't ......

And I don't know if she heard me or she decided to fucking show me that she was around but this message came at the right time.


I couldn't instantly reply to it at all. I couldn't. I had no strength within me. So I only screenshot and sent to only 4 people. Ragha because he knew what exactly I was going through and he was the only one I shared the whole rough cuts and someone I shared my deepest sentiments with, Vicky bro - because I had strictly told him that I wanted the quote there and he acceded to my request without any suggestions or so and he knew how important this video was to me, Moo because she is my sweetheart :P and Deadpool because I shared alot of things with him and someone who never fails to uplift me.

I can't type beyond this point because, I don't know. The pain is just sooo fresh. Too fresh. 

So you watched that video, Chinnamma. You did it right. I hope I made you proud. I wish I can hear you or even see your face but there are my wishful thinking eh ?. Thank you so much Chinnamma. I will be honouring you on the 17th November. I will be carrying you in my heart and I will fight against all odds to make sure I give my best. I never in my wildest dream ever thought I would participate in such an event but this is solely for you - for you alone. So be with me. Be right beside me, hold my hand and we will do this together - hand in hand. 

Vithiya 'Vitz'

11 Jan 1987

Undergrad (Psychology)

Manchester United

vithiyakumar11@gmail.com

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