The unpredictability of the colour .

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Back by popular demand. Hahahaha, I wish seh :P

Ok, so I decided to greet one and all with my sick chicken face. I could hardly keep my eyes open and my nose decided to leak non-stop until I had to stuff tissue paper right into my nostrils to barricade the motion of the phlegm from shifting towards the gravitational force. Muahahahaha, valzhai thatuvams :P ! Ok enjoy the humour till you can because this is going to be an emotional entry. It sure will be.

30th October 2013. 3 years. 3 years of excruciating pain, shattered dreams, broken trust, fragmented soul, deranged alter-ego and the list goes on. Thank you my Bumblebee - and only I can use that term on you. It will remain that way. 3 years and a multitude of changes. 3 years and an entire shift of that paradigm. 3 years and you single-handedly made me grow stronger than before. Thank you for breaking me up so badly. I broke into smithereens and I tried to put the pieces together but I realised that I looked different because the damage was visible and I could see the cracks myself and no superglue could reverse the damages. But I started to accept my new form because I knew I broke and I came back up - well a soldier will always be proud of his battle scars, won't he ;) ! So thank you for that because I am proud of my own scars - internal scars. You single-handedly inspired me to do a music video, didn't you. I swear I never thought I was capable of doing something like that but you made me do it. My Facebook notification is literally getting spammed non-stop by alot of people and they're all full of praises for that video. A colossal amount of strangers messaged me saying that my acting was realistic. Some lost their partners and they shared their sad stories with me and told me how my acting, the emotions I displayed onscreen made them miss their other halves and what not. I don't know .... I didn't exactly act out the pain, did I ?. Well, yes, I couldn't cry infront of the camera and I had to look at my aunt's picture - the exact picture I secretly took when she was lying in the coffin - to evoke the pain and to stir up the emotions. But well, I am too used to crying alone because in this 3 years I've grown to realise that the more you cry openly infront of them, they more they shape your character with their own preconceived notions. So yes, I couldn't naturally cry. The funniest part was, I could easily cry when I was up against the 4 walls or when I was in the shower. I don't know. But Bumblebee, thank you so much. People are praising me now and those praises should genuinely reach you. You made that happen - you gave me that strength. You were my inspiration. You made me map out the scenes in a way where it can touch many hearts around. You did it. I was contemplating on dedicating a small line to you but obviously I cannot be so open, can I ?. In all honesty, the short note at the end of the video was in remembrance of you. I don't know if you even watched it or if you knew it was for you, but it was. My picture perfect and a nightmare of a memory that I will hold too close to my heart. Thank you, my babyboy .. ex babyboy.

Sometimes you may not know of your own strength until someone reminds you of it. To be really honest, I kind of forgot how strong I was or am until Deadpool dropped me a very surprised message after he watched the music video.

So I rose from the ashes. I didn't know that I actually did it. I really didn't know. I was traveling along the boulevard of agonising dreams and I got lost in the labyrinth of perplexities, almost got entangled into a web of pure deception and was on the verge of being mentally crucified. I have no idea how it was possible. I swear I have no idea. I didn't look back and I didn't realise the painful journey I had taken to be right here. I didn't know. So Deadpool, thank you so much for that message. I swear it came at a very crucial time. It ameliorated this battered soul. It did and thanks for revealing my own strengths to me - I swear I didn't realise them all. I really didn't. Thanks, Deadpool.

Note

Yes, so I included a note to honour my Chinnamma and to dedicate this music video to her. But within me, the very deepest side of me was bereft of any hope. The hope that she would have watched the video. The soul was rife with a plethora of "what ifs" and it was peppered with a tinge of guilt. Maybe not a tinge because the latter reduces the magnitude of the intensity of it all. It felt so weird. The first scene I ever shot was the proposal scene. We shot that scene on 15th December 2012 and the very next day, I had to attend my cousin's ROM and I showed my Chinnamma the rough cut of the proposal scene itself and it was just about 16 seconds long. She was the first family member to watch the rough cut and her cancer-stricken face was beaming with alot of pride. I know she was proud of me on that day and before I went home, she looked at me right into my eye and told me "you must chase your dreams and achieve what you want to achieve. Well done on the video ma, if you need help please tell me ok. Wait I tell you what, since I am so free now, you come over and we shall work together on this video, ok ?" and I forced a smile and told her, "yes definitely, Chinnamma". That was a lie, wasn't it. I never did it with her. I didn't. She left me .... before I could even plan something. She left me. She never saw the whole video. She doesn't know the outcome. She doesn't know how well its being received by people. She doesn't know the number of views that video had gotten. She doesn't ......

And I don't know if she heard me or she decided to fucking show me that she was around but this message came at the right time.

I couldn't instantly reply to it at all. I couldn't. I had no strength within me. So I only screenshot and sent to only 4 people. Ragha because he knew what exactly I was going through and he was the only one I shared the whole rough cuts and someone I shared my deepest sentiments with, Vicky bro - because I had strictly told him that I wanted the quote there and he acceded to my request without any suggestions or so and he knew how important this video was to me, Moo because she is my sweetheart :P and Deadpool because I shared alot of things with him and someone who never fails to uplift me.

I can't type beyond this point because, I don't know. The pain is just sooo fresh. Too fresh.

So you watched that video, Chinnamma. You did it right. I hope I made you proud. I wish I can hear you or even see your face but there are my wishful thinking eh ?. Thank you so much Chinnamma. I will be honouring you on the 17th November. I will be carrying you in my heart and I will fight against all odds to make sure I give my best. I never in my wildest dream ever thought I would participate in such an event but this is solely for you - for you alone. So be with me. Be right beside me, hold my hand and we will do this together - hand in hand.

You got coloured @
4:53 am
[c]d4rkang3l

Monday, October 28, 2013

Compared to God, we humans are feeble. We're unable to help ourselves spiritually, heal out hearts, or fix the injustice we often endure. Fortunately the God of the storm cares about weaklings like us; He "remembers we are dust" (Ps. 103:14). What's more, God "gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength" (Isa. 40:49). Because God is strong, He can help us in our weakness.

You got coloured @
2:51 am
[c]d4rkang3l

Friday, October 25, 2013

Bonjour ! Well this is going to be a very long blog entry because I am trying to summarise a whole heap of events into this entry alone. So stay GLUED I say ! Haha.

"The true measure of success is how many times you can bounce back from a failure"

It was a very eventful Saturday for me. Unbeknownst to some, I failed my FTT the first time round. I was very firm about passing my BTT, FTT and TP at the very first attempt itself. I mean its a challenge that I had set myself and I wanted to achieve it. So unfortunately, I forgot the date of my first FTT and I had to do a rushed glance at the FTT book and report for the test. It was definitely a herculean task because the FTT is alot more comprehensive than BTT. So I tried my best and my heart broke when I actually got 44/50. Well 45 is the passing mark and I was really so dejected that I failed by a stinky 1 mark. I mean the failure wouldn't have been this pronounced if I had gotten like 40/50 or so but it was so painful to have failed by just a mark. So I had to wait 2 months for a new FTT date.

So I told all my friends that I will definitely get 50/50 the next time round to avenge for the failed grade at my first attempt of the FTT. Even on the 18th Oct, I was telling Moo that I NEED to get 50/50 and that I will make sure I get it. So I report to BBDC at 11.30 am and I was a little peeved to note that I was allocated to sit beside an Indian girl. I mean the thing about all this tests is the fact that the marks and the word "Pass" or "Fail" appear right on the screen and anyone can look at it. I mean it's my "maana-piratchanai" la ! Hahaha. So I went to my allocated seat and I turned the screen to face me only and I was fucking scared. The instructor told us to raise our hand before clicking on the "end test" and wait for his instruction to end it because if many people were to end the test at the same time, the system would be jammed up.

So I started on my FTT and I was answering each and every question and along the way I felt that I am not going to get 50/50 and I was starting to feel irritated and suddenly the fear of failing gripped my heart and as I finished the 50th question, I was looking around to see if anyone was raising his hand because I particularly didn't want to instructor to know that I was going to end the test because when you click on the "end test" your results will flash right on your screen the next second. So if you were to raise your hand and let the instructor know that you are going to end the test, obviously a gazillion eyes would be gawking at your screen. I swear I didn't want the unwanted attention - especially if I were going to see a "FAILED" flashed across the screen :P ! Hahaha.

So I ended the test and I saw a "PASSED" and a "50/50" marks. I swear I wanted to fucking jump up into the air and do a series of somersaults to celebrate. Well passing didn't give me alot of happiness but the fact that my dream of attaining 50/50 came true ! Hahaha. Happiness man. I really like it when I achieve what I had set forth. It simply gives me alot of happiness. So my FTT will expire in 2 years time and I got to book my TP date before that. So ....... my driving licence is going to reach my hand real soon eh ? ;)

So my first Group-based Assignment (GBA) went well. But I swear, it killed me off.

Firstly, alot of people know that I set very high expectations on my own individual work alone and so it's a little tough to work with me. My team mates are like the average students and they were telling me that they would be more than happy to just get a "C" grade and obviously I told them off :p ! Hahahaha, I told them that no matter what, we should be working towards an "A" grade. The question was fucking tough. I swear I was damn lost and my team mates were even more lost. So I did a rough skeleton and I gave them their bits to do. However, the sad part was both my team mates - Cyril misinterpreted the question and gave a whole load of redundant information while Harpal literally copied and pasted a few things off the websites. I was looking through the essay and the question and I realised that we were not meeting the requirements of the essay. So I spent like a few hours trying to break the question to answer them accordingly. The funniest thing was, I myself got confused and I got lost while I was working at it. So each time I got confused, I went to play 2 games on my PSP and came back to look at the question and I was still lost. Hahaha. But somehow I got it and I started to strengthen the essay out with the facts. I literally had to to the introduction, summarize and link the follow-up introductions to the questions, formulate the concepts and link them back to the question, use Harpal's firm as a real-life example and do a critical analysis of the concepts. Phew, I swear, I DIED. I got Harpal to straighten out the part on his firm and since I am a perfectionist, I worked on it all over again despite the fact that my team mates tried their best to iron the contents out. Honestly, it was not a fucking joke to be typing out a 3,600 worded essay. I mean, I am not trying to be arrogant here but its just that my team mates didn't exactly share the same frequency on the essay and it was quite pitiful when they took the wrong information and placed it into the skeleton of the essay. So I on my own taught them the concepts and showed them what the essay required and they got it but it was just a little late as our assignment was nearing the due date. The best part was, Harpal had to work around the clock because some of his vessels were caught by the immigration officers (I can't explain here why) and he had to go without sleep for days and all. Cyril was a little confused on his part because he didn't exactly understand the requirements of the question and so I had to help them out and work it out on my own. But I seriously admire the way Harpal works. I mean he was working around the clock and whenever I sent the drafts for them to view and comment (and edit), Harpal was like the first to look through the essay and comment on his part. Even once I needed Harpal's urgent response on the framework of his firm and I sent him the draft at around 4.30 am and I gave him until 2pm to finish it and he actually did it by 6 am and sent it back to me for review and his work rate actually motivated me to like wake up at 6am and work on the essay right then. So eventually I managed to submit the assignment at 8.30 am on the due date and I literally slept the whole day. I mean I went without proper sleep for 3-4 days because of this assignment and the fact that Harpal was working around the clock and finally I managed to catch some good sleep.

So I did some reflection on my own. Although I was a little annoyed that my groupmates didn't exactly share the same frequency, I believe that I on my own did motivate them to work even harder and to set high aims. I mean Cyril is at a spot where he can be kicked out of school if he scores anything below C and Harpal is only studying for the sake of his father because he already established a strong foothold in his career. So that message from them on our group message really made me feel better. I mean, ok la .... my duty as a leader was fulfilled. I mean there is no "appropriate" time to lead. You got to lead when you got to. So I know I did my part - at least led them to set higher aims and maybe even showed them how to break a fucking-cheebye hard essay question into parts and answer them accordingly. So right now, I really hope I get that "A" grade.

The time of the year

That glory from that celestial beauty. I really think she looked too pretty. She definitely did.

So that was the time of the year when sins would be washed away for a period of time and people would immediately err thereafter. I mean the temple houses a few types of people :- those who are puritanical in nature, the saints-wannabe hypocrites, the practical ones who simply try to balance their moral and immoral acts, the fearful ones who try to seek forgiveness because they don't want to suffer in hell, the angkat-bolas who try to appease their parents, friends, or the society and whatnot. I'm not trying to belittle people but sometimes I always ask this question - what's the point of 'firewalking' this year when you're so going to commit an immoral act the next day ?. I mean c'mon. I definitely know alot of people who fall into that category. I definitely do. Hence, I am very skeptical. But on my own part, I would walk on the fire any fucking day (provided they legalise it for girls to walk on the firepit) because I take a very practical approach to this whole event. I, like every other practical human being am not a saint-wannabe hypocrite but rather someone who is working effortlessly to balance my moral and immoral acts. So once I do realise the fact that the immoral act is indeed immoral, I would conscientiously work towards to eliminate it from all accounts and ensure it remains that way. I mean what to do .... everybody sin in every single way and we cannot exactly judge people who have SINNED in a different way from us, can we ?. The best part is, they say that pure water and filthy water often streams from the same tongue and hence, how can we ensure that our tongues are clean when we're guilty of streaming the filthy water ?. Alot of people miss that concept and assume that they're all so pious because they fire-walk. Please, don't cheat yourself. Face the truth. You don't become a good Christian just by going to a church. You got to act according to the scriptures - and that includes the way you behave at the front stage and the back stage. You do not insult your Mother at home and praise the God in the temple/church or any other religious institutions and call that a moral act. Nope. You're merely cheating yourself :)

So I have a huge penchant for CHEESE. I love cheese so much that I've always wanted to change my Facebook name to Vithiya CHEESE Kumar. So finally a friend taught me some old tricks - his was like a healthy trick but I decided to make it unhealthy. So that was for dinner one day. My fave chicken breast cubes done the Indian style, scrambled eggs, bread slices with margarine and of course, MOZZARELLA cheese to seal it off and please, get it melted to savour the sinful delight. And then of course, starve the next day and go for a 10 KM run :P !

I really like it when people whom I admire give me good compliments. I really admire Nanthekumar because he is definitely one of those guys whom I know who really live life to the fullest. He didn't grow up with a good background and I swear I didn't know anything about his family until I watched his interview on Vasantham. So he came up through the hard way and made it a point to live life to the fullest. He is a high-flyer and definitely a go-getter. So imagine how I felt when he gave me such a nice compliment. Hahha, so I instantly sent him a private message and he's just so fucking nice. He really praised me for everything and told me to work really hard and to achieve it all. Like it really feels so good to have random well-wishers out there. Just feels good. And feels extra good when its your own role-model who praises you :D

So a few days back, I was like caught in a huge fix. I was literally held in a spot. I mean someone from the past decided to message me after a few years of absence and the whole conversation literally took me off the guards. I mean I didn't expect it. I have always avoided such questions but on that day, I decided to be really honest. Like be really honest and upfront instead of running away from it. So I did.

At this juncture, I realise that its just so easy for me to say a "YES" and I am sure it would definitely end a plethora of woes for me. It would and of course, it would always produce a slap on the faces of those adversaries. I am so sure that it would.

But then again, matters of the heart confuses us. After a very long time, I heard something really sweet but then again, trust is a big word and I'm off the charts ... totally for a very long time until maybe, that view gets changed.

You got coloured @
9:37 pm
[c]d4rkang3l

Friday, October 18, 2013

Photolog of the day

So I am currently doing HRM 323 module and we have got 1 TMA and 1 GBA and then an examination. So since there was a GBA (Group Based Assignment), everyone in class displayed their level of "kanchong-ness" on the first day of class itself. I saw how some kanchong spiders went around asking everyone for their mobile numbers and how most of them looked at the person sitting beside them and told them that they should work together for the GBA. So as usual, I was nonchalant about the whole group thing. I mean I know that no matter which group I work for or am in, I would ensure I give my best and I honestly, didn't want to be some kanchong spider and beg people to get me in. I mean, that is just not me. So some people approached me and I just told them that I would want to focus on my TMA first and then get to know people and then decide upon the group rather than to like form a group just because I am afraid of being 'group-less'. Haha. So there was once when my lecturer asked a question and I knew the answer and so I gave the answer and the lecturer went like "wahhh you so smart ah. Sure you would be a valuable member to your group ah" and you can imagine how I was bombarded by a barrage of people asking me to be part of their group. I mean I try not to like undermine the nature of people but sometimes I really cannot help myself. I mean where is the love for ingraining knowledge ?. Like everything is just about scoring well ?. I know it sounds absurd because I myself am trying to push my GPA up but ..... I mean c'mon ! Don't you have trust in your own calibre ?. Ahhh, whatever.

So as usual, I was one of the most chattiest ones in class. I mean my lecturer is a little funny - weirdly funny and so my classmates and I tend to like laugh out at her bad jokes and even try to chat with each other to remain sane or to chase the blues away. So like once my lecturer went like "class, do you realise why I hate using green marker and that I always use red, black or blue marker ?" and the whole class looked at her blankly and she went like "because I was from the red house" and she burst out laughing. So some of my classmates looked at me and I acknowledged their look with a "wtf" face. But then later on I realised why she mentioned that statement. Haha. Fucking hell.

So Harpal was one of the chattiest ones and for some reason we are like one of the interactive ones in class and so we decided to work together for the GBA and I told Harpal to find ourselves another partner. We needed to have 3 in a group. So Harpal was absent for the last lesson and I realised I didn't know his name and didn't have his number because he had passed me his namecard and I accidentally slipped it into my textbook and I couldn't find it. So I didn't go to class for the 3rd lesson and finally I managed to find the namecard and I messaged him and he told me that he had managed to find our 3rd member. So we met in class for the 4th lesson and we decided to introduce ourselves to each other and I met my 3rd member. The funniest thing is, Harpal already got the 3rd member on the 1st day of class as he was going home together with Cyril and Cyril was supposed to look for me at the 2nd lesson itself but he didn't know my name and there was another Indian girl in class and Cyril was afraid of approaching us and so we only managed to get acquainted at the 4th lesson.

So I created a 'Whats App' group and titled it "Poodle Lovers" because I thought our lecturer resembled a poodle. Hahaha. So I was telling the guys on how to address that question because we're expected to write a whooping 3,600 words for that shit ass assignment and I was telling them that we need to do a skeleton and each do a selected 1,200 word essay for that particular section and that we should review our work together at a stipulated timeline and since I planned alot, those guys elected me as the leader. Hahhaa. So we decided to meet up 1 hour before class yesterday to discuss about our GBA.

So it really looks like we were talking about the assignment right ? HELL NO ! Hahaha. We were sitting right outside our lecture theatre and were discussing the assignment. Cyril was late. So Harpal and I were reviewing the assignment and we were done with the discussion when Cyril came 45 minutes later and so we addressed the question all over again and the basic skeleton and soon after, we ended up talking about everything and anything besides the GBA and we realised that it was already 7.10 pm and we decided not to go for the class. I mean honestly the lecture is boring and half the time I would be online on FB, what's app or Instagram, stone or at times, write down whatever thoughts my mind was conjuring and sometimes make important life decisions during the "me" time. Hahaha. I mean once Harpal and Cyril were sitting behind me and I ended up writing alot and they thought I was taking down notes when I told them that I wasn't and that I was merely jotting down whatever I had planned to do the next day - like going for a work out, planning on the exercise regime for the specific body parts and etc. LOL ! Hahahaha and there was also once when those guys wanted to talk about the GBA during class when I told them to give me just 10 minutes and that I would be right back. So those guys thought I had to answer nature's call when I came to class with 2 chocolate bars. I mean I love chocolates and sometimes I really cannot resist from buying chocolate during lectures. Muahahaha !

So I got closer to them and then I realised that these poor fellas had been in SIM since 2009 ! Hahaha. Well during their time apparently there wasn't any credit trackers and they ended up doing more than required credits for their compulsory, elective and Ucore modules and ended up having uncredited modules and wasted alot of time. So in short, UniSIM was in alot of mess and this people were simply the victim of their mess. And both are like 29 and are married. Cyril happened to be a popular newscaster's son - Malaiga Peters and Harpal Singh's father is a famous disciplinarian whom the "Bhai-yi" society members are well acquainted with. In short, its a small world. So we were literally talking about life yesterday and we ended up having the conversation for like 4 hours straight - right outside our lecture theatre and some classmates of ours even joined us. Hahahaha.

So at 29, Harpal has attained the position which would make alot of us envious. I mean I openly told him that I envy his life at that moment. I mean at 29, he already achieved it all and he is already earning ALOT and that too without a degree. So he is only doing his degree just to satisfy his dad's wishes. So we were talking about his life. I mean Harpal is in the crewing sector and we all know how time-consuming it is and to make matter worse, he has a 10 month old CUTE daughter. So he was telling us how he had struggled to find a footing in the initial stages and how he managed to climb the corporate ladder to establish a strong foothold over time. It was a very interesting session. I mean how often do you have classmates who are already at the top level and are open to share their experiences with you ?. So interesting team mates and a greater learning lesson :)

PO NEE PO (podi/poda, get lost).

This is the MOST important scene of the whole MV. So this is where I had to execute an array of emotions and I really hope I did justice.

Love this shot.

So it's termed as "positional asphyxia" and strangely there were a myriad of injuries on Dinesh Raman's body ?. So there are bruises, abrasions and blood clots on various parts of his body - right hip, right collarbone area, left collarbone area, left cheek, left eye, left shoulder, right cheek, left knee, left hip/crotch area, right arm, right wrist, left shoulder (back and top), left chin and so on. So apparently the 8 people who had restrained Dinesh from attacking one of the prison warden apparently had used pepper spray to subdue him and left him in a prone position in an isolated cell and found him dead because of 'positional asphyxia' ?. I mean it is established that restraining people using the prone position can lead to breathing difficulties but the forces are told to hold them in a prone position briefly until the subject is handcuffed and yet the officials have determined the above as the cause of the death ?. VERY SHADY.

I mean I am definitely not Dinesh's friend or do I even know him. Yes, he literally wasted his life by getting involved in stupid problems, breaching his probation and what not. But then again, I don't think he deserves to die just like that. I mean he could have been a late bloomer. He could have reformed and could have achieved just as much as any other late bloomer. So a life is just gone due to the negligence of the prison officers ?.

I honestly think he was beaten up by the 8 people and charging just 1 person - Deputy Superintendent Lim Kwo Yin of Negligence not Amounting to Culpable Homicide and fining him $ 10,000 isn't enough. So apparently the remaining 7 faced internal disciplinary proceedings which were not made public. Why ?. Honestly the events surrounding Dinesh Raman's death seems very shady. I believe there is just more that meets the eye and obviously, more is to what was published on the state-controlled Newspapers.

The Ministry of Home Affairs conducted a Committee of Inquiry to audit the prison systems and the findings were not made public. I was particularly shocked that the State Coroner's inquiry was stopped mid-way because the criminal proceedings established the circumstances leading to the death of Dinesh Raman and his inquiry was redundant. I mean how can a State Coroner's inquiry be stopped mid-way when the death was caused by civil servants ?. And to add on to the confusion, the Attorney General Chambers refused to reopen the inquiry. The family had appealed to High Court to reopen the inquiry for forensic experts to establish their findings and to determine the actual cause of death of Dinesh Raman.

I really hope justice is prevailed and the government will stop covering up such atrocities. Its really disappointing and I hope the High Court rules in favour of the Raman family and most certainly, my heart goes out to them.

You got coloured @
9:45 pm
[c]d4rkang3l

Thursday, October 17, 2013

A dream came true

So finally my dream came true - my dream project is ready to be released. I swear when I saw the full video I almost cried out of joy. It's like I was right on top of the whole world or maybe even the universe. That was how happy I felt. I mean my feelings may seem highly exaggerated but trust me, I'm not joking.

I had a small dream. A dream where I wanted to do an acoustic version of an emotional song with the best vocalist I've ever known and with a musical score coming from the best and upcoming musician I've ever known and I wanted to complete it with the best cinematographer I've ever known and somehow, with God's grace, everything materialised so well. A myriad of hiccups came along the way but I know we somehow braved the roughest of seasons and we somehow got the pieces together. So technically my dream was at the "foetus" stage. So bit by bit my dream developed through the hardwork of the respectable individuals and right now its at a fully-developed level and I swear I really cannot express the joy when I saw the whole video. It's like seeing my dream on a bigger scale. So when my name appeared as shown above, I don't know ... I just felt like screaming "I FUCKING DID IT" ! I mean it might be a minute shit for many but it's my dream - a dream I had for a very very long time. I means the world to me. It really does. I mean initially I didn't have any noble intentions to do the video but later on I was enlightened on the probable purpose of the video and my intentions became noble.

I know that some haters out there are waiting for the release to slam/diss me and I know that a certain character thinks that I am out to diss him in this video but well, thanks for the pain you gave me because it eventually inspired me to do this video. So thank you. Maybe I should credit you for it, eh ?. Hahaha, nevermind... my telepathic connection would send that signal across to you and I bet you would know it sooner or later.

So #PONEEPO is slated for a release in 2 week's time - 25th October 2013. Actually I wanted to release it in Nov but Vik has another project which is slated for a November release and so mine has to be in October and I can't even release it on 1st Nov since the eve of Deepavali is on 2nd and people would be too busy with the festive occasion and the video wouldn't garner the targeted viewer count. So let's see. We need to release a teaser this week. Actually as I type this, I am reviewing multiple versions of the 2nd teaser :P

So maybe at this juncture I should really confess how scared I am about the release of the video itself. Well it may sound absurd but I swear, I am literally paralysed with fear. I mean, the vocalist, the musician and the cinematographer were out of the world and I really really really hope I did a good job. I mean when I watched the video I myself felt that maybe I could have done better at a few scenes but those who had watched it praised my performance .... I don't know but I am so so so so so scared. I really hope I don't disappoint people - especially those who had worked so hard for this video. I really hope I did justice for the stellar quality of the vocalist, musician and the cinematographer. Maybe I would just disappear after the release of #PONEEPO and seek some solitude in order to escape from all those calamity from around. I don't know but I am so fucking scared. I can't believe this man - I've always trusted my own calibre, my own talent, my own ability but for the first time, I swear I can literally jump out of my skin. I am that scared. I think its because of the expectations from around. Oh God, I really hope I did justice to the video. God, please be with me and if possible, gimme a BEAR HUG. I need it to calm my nerves.

Oh, I should really thank Solo for being such a sweetheart. I mean its definitely not easy to do a romantic scene especially when you're not close to your co-star. I mean Solo is a good friend of mine but obviously I am not close to him. I mean there are only some guy friends who I hug freely and all and Solo definitely isn't one of them. So it was really so awkward at times and I was really shy during the shoot but Solo was a real gentleman and he really made it seem so easy. I mean the first day of the shoot itself I told him that we had a hugging scene and although I scripted it, I swear I felt so shy to execute it. I mean I don't know if it would sound funny but we actually rehearsed the hugs many times before I got comfortable. HAHAHA. Thank you so much for everything, Solo.

So Vik and I had a reflective session after the full video and we spoke alot and exchanged a few apologies and our thoughts and Vik was telling me how my dream had inspired him to work hard on this project and how he really liked the way the video had turned out and then suddenly he used my avatar and did a bitstripe comic series. I swear it made me ROFL. Hahaha because I really gave him alot of problems. I mean I am a perfectionist and I don't easily approve things and I know I set high expectations on alot of things and I believe in incorporating alot of different ideas and I know Vik really had a hard time. Thank you so so so much brother. I should really show my appreciation to you in a way my heart tells me to (I have a plan :P ) !

So earlier into the day I received an offer to do a guest dance for a music video by Psychomantra, Mr5K and NeshMan. Well these guys are some famous rappers in Malaysia and I'm acquainted with them because of my projects with our Thanesh bro and Vik. So our Psychomantra already did some collaborations in some Tamil Movies in India and is quite popular in India as well. So it would be awesome to work with them but the shittiest shit is, the entire shooting will take place in Malaysia - JB primarily and the timing isn't as favourable to me.

Seriously, I really admire those Malaysian talents. I don't know how but somehow they manage to break into the Tamil industry in India. Like Psychomantra and Rubba.Bend did the "Tamilachi Swag" and the next thing, both of them established some footing in the Tamil industry in India and Rubba.Bend sang a song in Ajith's "Arrambam" which would be released for Deepavali. Like even Karthik Shamalan and Suriya Magissan ! I am sure both of them are so going to break into the Tamil industry as well. Like I had to reject 3 projects with Karthik Shamalan because all his shoots were situated in KL and obviously I couldn't go there for the shoots due to school and work and all his projects gained a good reception ALL OVER MALAYSIA and very recently he did a movie (the exact movie he wanted me to do a lead role in sometime in January 2013) which was released in the Malaysian theatres and the best thing was, the screenings were completely full house and he received good compliments and he was interviewed in the Malaysian mainstream papers. Like I mean I am not talking about the missed opportunities per se but rather, on how I could have learned so much from him and used it for my own future projects. I really hate to reject projects because I like the fact that I can learn something from all these people and it just sucks to say "NO" because of your own commitments. Like I never had any clue about shortfilms, camera angles, lighting, characterization, editing and whole range of stuff. But my collaboration for KK helped me with it and my exposure to Vasantham gave me the idea for my own project - PONEEPO. So I really like to learn new stuff because I swear, "known is a drop, unknown is the ocean" and there is just too too too much fucking shit-ass things that we totally don't know about. So yes, I really hope I can work with Karthik someday.

You got coloured @
4:31 am
[c]d4rkang3l

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Photolog of the day

Prayers (or rather the divine communication with our celestial friends) somehow explains the abstruse nature of the tranquility found amidst the hustle and bustle of this concrete jungle.

So my uncle had vijayadashami prayers at his place (we are not allow to have any prayers on a grand scale as the 1st year anniversary prayers for my Chinnamma is not anywhere near). So the prayer were within intimate family members and we only prayed for her (well I don't know how they did it and all but oh well).

So basically I am cannot take part in the prayers because of the monthly botheration that we are destined to encounter. So I went right after the prayers just for the food :P ! Hahaha. But sadly, my cousins had some other plan and they kidnapped me right after my sumptuous meal. Tsk !

So they called it the "Machi open the bottle" moment. So they managed to get the oldies to leave first and the rest of us bunked into the self-made garden outside the cousin's place and we had our moments. We were totally against the idea of getting a big bottle because we were sure we would get completely washed-out and that would seem disastrous especially since each of us had an image to uphold :p !

So 1 person had 7 bottles each and well, you can imagine the amount of bottles we had altogether.

So while we had our personal moments, my cousin who is going to get married in June (or is it July) showed us the ROM pictures.

My cousin and my awesome BIL

So while looking through the pictures, I saw a picture of someone who I miss so dearly. Someone who makes my heart bleed like crazy.

I saw you my chinnamma. I saw a picture of you.

You know the best thing about pictures/photographs is the fact that you can freeze a moment right as it was at that very juncture itself. I know I was standing further away and was looking at you. Because I know that it broke my heart into pieces to watch you seated on a wheelchair. You were a very independent woman and I know that this damn of a cancer literally devoured your healthy body. It reduced you into the person that you were not. 16th Dec 2012 - the day my cousin, the day your niece got ROM-ed and how was I to know that you would leave us 27 days later at 3.16 pm ?. I never knew. I know that you were dying slowly right infront of us but I never thought you would leave us this soon.

Well the funniest thing is, I know that you masqueraded a whole load of pain behind that smile of yours. You were in alot of pain on that day and you only came because you knew deep down that you were going away soon. You wanted to witness this beautiful day and you braced that pain just so that you can witness those moments from where you stood. You were a fighter, weren't you ?.

We wanted to take a family shot with the couples and the couples wanted to come down the stage just so that we could all take pictures together with you but you insisted on taking a picture at the stage because of the beautiful decorations and you fought the excruciating pain to stand up and you walked up the stage at snail's pace with alot of determination just to take a group picture and later on, as you struggled to walk down the stage, all the burly men came to your aid and they decided to carry your wheelchair with you seated on it just to ease you of your pain and right then I saw you cry - I did see you cry because you hated the fact that you were dependent on others for something so basic. I swear I really died when I saw you cry - my figure of strength - the epitome of sheer strength breaking down right before me - I died. That image is completely etched deeply on my mind. Just so deeply. I know I told God to ease you of your pain but it's definitely easier said than done. I know you're pain-free now but fucking hell, death is soo fucking painful. It leaves behind that void .. that absolute void - incomprehensible void. The figurehead of the family is gone. It feels so different. Above all, I miss you chinnamma. I miss you so much. I miss your angelic disposition. I miss the fact that you trusted me just alot. I miss the fact that you trusted me even when the odds were against me. You knew me too well, didn't you. Blood ties ? Or was that you saw through me ?. How could you trust me even when the odds were against me and even when my own parents didn't ?. I don't know. But you knew, didn't you ?.

I should have told you that I really loved you alot and that I really looked up to you right ?. I should have right ?. The words never came out of my mouth and I only depended on telepathic connection to let let you know of how deeply I had loved you right ?. But maybe right now you would be beside me to know how much I am missing you right or am I really wrong to have assume all this ?. Maybe I should have fucking told you that I loved you and I did look up to you right ?. I mean how would you know if I didn't tell you ?. So it's my fault right ?. No I never hesitated to kiss you or to even snap a picture of you. Maybe I only hesitated because I was feeling uncomfortable about the past - Silas's betrayal. I could face you because a trusted friend had backstabbed me and somehow my family got pulled into it. I really wish he didn't do it because things would have been so much different. But what's the point ?. Chinnamma, I really loved and still do love you alot. When I saw you on my birthday I swear I wanted to scream out "I love you" but I couldn't .... and you chose to leave the next day itself right ?. So I screamed out those 3 words when you couldn't hear me out right ?. My fault. Really my fault. I should have said those 3 words when you were alive and now I face the guilt of it all. My fault ..... my fault ..

You're inside this urn. Reduced to ashes. I cannot believe that you are inside here. It hurts alot to know that you're like reduced to ashes. I definitely cannot handle the fact that the person I knew, the 1st person who carried me on 11th Jan 1987 (other than my parents), the person who meant alot to me, the person who fucking cared alot is reduced to ashes........ pain. Alot of pain. But you had to go right .... that excruciating pain you tolerated for 2.5 years... even that mental torture was horrible right ? Its better to be pain-free right ? But why must you only live for 50 years ? You DESERVE to live longer ! But who am I to decide that ?. HE wanted you closer to him I guess. But Chinnamma, I really love you alot. You were a legend. So every year as I "celebrate" the another year of life that God had given me, your death-day the very next day will remind me of how I am supposed to live like, right ?. I can never be the another you, not even close but you remain my role model. I love you Chinnamma. I really do. You're up there watching us right .... be right close to us. I miss you Chinnamma. This distance is killing. Like I cannot comprehend how can a life just stop like that. Like how can a person who lived be suddenly dead and not be talking, walking, literally be there ?. I don't know .... I don't understand the concept of death. Maybe I just don't want to. I run away from facing it ... I don't know. I just can't but ....... I just want you to know that I really love you. No drama, no acting ..... genuinely love you. I really do. 9 months on ... the pain is still unbearable.

You got coloured @
2:55 am
[c]d4rkang3l

Friday, October 11, 2013

Photolog of the day.

So guess who gave us his wedding invitation card today. I really felt so so so happy for Chris. I mean marriage is a very beautiful thing and I'm glad to be part of this joyous occasion and Chris is like one of the friends from my first ever closest clique from SIM. So the whole clique are like reeling in alot of happiness. We wish you well, handsome !

To those who read beyond the words, you would be able to comprehend the reason behind this rumination and for those who don't, this would probably be some lunatic musing to justify a form of cyber activism on an obvious portal.

9/10/13

And I am certain that deception can be formed with some corners and curves. The world with a colossal amount of people believe that deception is the key to a successful outlook of a human being. I am sure, a myriad of reasons would be given in support of superficial stance as compared to a deep-lying emotion. No ?.

I badly wanted to go to the temple to meet some old three-dimensional friends. I needed some divine intervention to attain some celestial bliss. I had initially planned to head to the temple on Tuesday until N decided to call for a meet-up with G and S on Wednesday and G told me that she was heading to the temple for some prayers. So I think you can imagine my elation when I realised it all. I knew that I was battling with a huge concern - I was on the verge of not being able to enter the temple and I literally prayed for a few days just to be able to enter the temple on Wednesday (no, I am not possessed). When I stepped in, I realised how much I had missed praying. I met my old friends and I conveyed my messages clearly. In all honesty, I was at the peak of extreme happiness - I felt so peaceful and contented and I would have sincerely appreciated it if my day had concluded well but no. Towards the end, my bliss turned into extreme hatred and I decided to exit the temple to pacify myself. S and N were waiting right outside the temple and they comforted me for a while and even tried to change my mood. Sorry guys, but thanks.

So the night ended on a sad note for me - a barrage of memories flooded my perplexed mind. The age-old turbulence had reached the zenith and I was left completely discombobulated. I know how detached my mind and soul was that even the symphony of thoughts were completely disconcerted. I don't even know if my current mood adheres to the geriatric tone that generalises such instances.

This cardiac organ may just be a biological clock within us that offers a range of advantages. But sadly, this cardiac organ is also infused with emotions. Emotions that can also annihilate you. It sounds funny to say this but when it shatters deep within you, only you can feel that searing pain from within, that hollow right beneath your chest and that suction that leaves you breathless. At that juncture, the clawed grip of death would seem as the best elixir to escape from the arising paroxysm of torture. But the emotional scarring it may inflict on familiarised relations can force you to expunge that thought of your mind. So suffering in silence was the best panacea, or so as the loved ones said.

So the forced acceptance triggered a spectrum of shades from within. Shades I never knew I had. The Iago in me stood out. It was a duel between the light and the darkness. The face-off that ended with a pyrrhic victory. But my twinsoul knows that I never adhered to my primal instincts but rather, the darkness from within prevailed with devastating effects. A period where the soul acted like a boomerang. It was like threading into new and choppy waters with no confidence. It was like a sense of threat that was imposed on myself to heighten the blurred version of an emotional security. Or maybe, it was like an iron-clad glass wall that served as a stable conduit between the harsh reality and the facade I thought I had wanted.

So the prominence of the perceived belief dissolved overtime. The masqueraded notion was challenged by the moral anchor. The muscular opponent won. The tongues from the society started wagging. A journey that they thought they knew but unfortunately, on a superficial level. To each, his/her own pain.

At the very end of the day, the searing pain from within, that hollow right beneath the chest and that suction that leaves me breathless still exists - deep deep down to a place where no human touch can reach.

"What do you do when the one person you want comfort from the most is the one who caused your pain ?. How can I want so desperately for him to wrap me up in his arms but also want so much for him to leave me alone ?".

Oh, I am fine :)

"I know if I could find the words
To touch you deep inside
you'll give my dreams just one more chance
To let this be our last goodbye".

"But only love can say,
Try again or walk away".

And the sun never did shine.

You got coloured @
5:02 am
[c]d4rkang3l

Wednesday, October 09, 2013

Photolog.

The linguist. So Dan is from Sweden and he's been living in Singapore for quite a number of years and he speaks perfect Malay. No joke. His pronunciation of certain Malay words is just so "woaaaaa-aaaah". So Dan mentioned that he speaks Swedish and French alongside English, Malay and Singlish of course. And at this juncture, I cannot believe Swedish is damn hard. I mean you do not pronounce the words the way they're spelt. Like we literally spent the night trying to pronounce "SJU" in Swedish and I swear my tongue got tired along the way. It's even more fucking difficult to pronounce "SJU" than the "Pazham" "Thamizh" - the "Z" in Tamil. Languages, languages and languages. I've got a certain idea mapped on, so let's see :)

Welcome to the VENT-ZONE

Welcome to the vent till I pant zone. So basically, I am going to vent. Vent out everything because I am here to nail you.

So can you kindly explain to me what the fuck do you exactly do because you're simply too free. I mean, too free to stalk people on Facebook, too free to stalk people on their blogs, too free to waste time on alot of peripheral shit, too free to gossip till your arse bleed, too free to assume the identity from thy illusion and etc. I mean you're more free than I am - and how is that even possible ?. Like totally ?. I am just so impressed.

Like I can just see your comments flooding my newsfeed like every fucking day. I know your job is definitely not intellectually-stimulating and you're definitely too fucking dumb but stalking people on Facebook and literally commenting on everyone of them - wah, so free ah ?. Pichi la you. And can't you just stick to stalking your own friend's wall but instead choose to poke your nose into the affairs of people whom I have introduced ?. Like we're not even in talking terms and yet you shamelessly want to continue commenting on MY friends' walls ?. Still living in my shade - aren't you ?. Why so shameless one ? Or do you even lack that social circle to stick by ?. See there is no point in over-exaggerating YOUR pathetic life with suggestive statuses, pictures and what not when you know you're nothing but a piece of shit that lived on other people's shade.

So you simply love to ruin people's relationships don't you ?. Why so pathetic one ah ?. Is that your ultimate goal in life ?. What a sadistic thought, my child ?. And you want to go around preaching about religion ?. Joke of the century. See you don't become a GOOD CHRISTIAN just because you go to the CHURCH or a GOOD HINDU just because you go to the temple. Why do you even bother going to the temple when you know deep down that you're a downright cheapskate who simply live in his/her own cocoon or rather a delusional world ?. Fucking deranged humanoid.

See there is no point in adopting that pious front when you're nothing beneath that facade of yours. I am serious. Like I said, just because you've erred differently from the rest, it doesn't equate to - NO SINS. You fucking sinner, you still think you can be elevated to the status of a Demigod just because you go to religious institutions ? How is it that a sinner like you and a God-wannabe "saint" reside in that same body ?. Please explain to me. You know deep down that you have a whole bagful of shit - so leave the job to God to decide during the Judgment day. You're just a wannabe, definitely not God. So lay low, my child. So before you touch that Bible to preach - remember to SHUT THE FUCK UP. Go low. You cause so much of misery to a different group of people, break their hearts and you over-exaggerate on your own heartbreaks just because your crony buys your sympathetic stories ?. C'mon lor, pain is the same across all board. Yea, a multitude of whines coming from the same end can manipulate the gullible but please ah, tak boleh tahan already liao. Pluuuuuurrrrrlllllleeeeeeese, stop acting like a Pastor. You may be given that opportunity once but it doesn't completely make you a full-fledged, ordained Pastor. Fucking brat !

Sorry ah, I had to vent. Sometimes some people drive me mad. Like really. I wish I was Jonny Wilkinson - kick the hard hard rugby ball right onto your face and smash that pathetic nose of yours. Silly bean !

You got coloured @
3:18 am
[c]d4rkang3l

Tuesday, October 08, 2013

Photolog of the day

So I literally had to cook fried rice for the whole family for dinner and I hate cooking large amount of rice/noodles. My hand literally got numbed after all those cooking. I swear. So it was simple fried rice for dinner.

Chicken luncheon meat

So that's how it looks like !

Diced tomatoes

Don't be deceived by the picture because this was just 1/4 of it :P

So I decided to do stir-fried chicken luncheon meat first because it had the tendency to stick to the pan when its cooked. Oh btw, I think I did the stir-fried chicken luncheon meat better than what my mom does. I swear I was impressed with my own self :P

Ta-da. Stir-fried chicken luncheon meat

It was a large bowl and it was filled to the brim with cooked rice. Mom used 4 cups of uncooked rice and so you can image the quantity of the cooked rice. I swear I died.

Anchovies - for some reason, these packet of anchovies are extremely salty and you can never eat them just on their own. You got to eat them together with unsalted food.

Stir fried onions, chilli padis and egg !

And I added in the diced tomatoes.

Final product and I thought that I should add a little amount of salt but my amazing brain thought of frying more anchovies to supplement this dish. Oh never underestimate the pictures because I had to place the fried rice into a bloody pot/"paanai".

The final product. Pardon the amateur garnishes.

So brother liked it - he thought it was too spicy for him. Well I added about 10 chilli padis, used 4 tablespoons of sambal belachan, used some garlic chilli sauce as well so I guess that explains :P ! Mom loved it. But sadly, Dad was at work and I did save some for him. So hopefully he can taste it tomorrow.

Isn't it true ?. I personally like to have more male friends than female friends because most female friends can really be a pain in the ass and if they're dumb then you're gone. You would be spending 3/4 of your life trying to solve all their dramas. And girls can really be extremely whiny and I hate whiny bitches. I mean yes, you can share your sorrows, troubles and all with each other but I seriously can't stand it when they whine their assholes out. I just can't handle such stuff. Yea, I like strong women - women who know what they want, women who have a clear idea of their goals, women who're not afraid to challenge the guys, women who are just fucking strong and clearly women who really make me admire them. I love them - definitely not the whiny, over-dramatic mama-fuckers, dumb shitholes that I know of. Tsk. But of course, guys are amazing friends but if they fall for you then you would get involved in messy entanglements and that's something I don't like either.

You got coloured @
3:35 am
[c]d4rkang3l