It's quite funny as I notice the exponential growth of visitors to my blog. A gargantuan amount of intentions and reasons.

Anyways today I am going to talk about something quite interesting. I've got a few stuff to get off my chest and here we go.




Reading of Signs 


I've always believed in signs because somehow or rather, I 'know' that they have a certain meaning towards them or at least, there is a reason for their very existence / or a certain purpose for their appearance. I know that I know it. But not many people understand the very essence of this argument because as per 'Man of Steel' movie, 'people are afraid of what they don't understand'. So once someone doesn't understand something, he/she tries to create a new 'understanding' to tailor to their needs but sadly, more often than not, it might just be a half-baked nonsensical unfiltered feculence. So at the very end of the day, they just don't fucking understand and that causes them to fear every single information pertaining to that argument.


Sign #1 


Today is technically one of the most happiest days in my life.



Yes, I went for my briefing at National University Cancer Institute, Singapore (NCIS) earlier on. Finally I felt that I was actually doing something to honour my Godmother. I know that I wanted to do something. I did tell some baboons and the nearest tree to my house that I was going to donate some amount of money to the Cancer Society and all. But then again, it was just different. I was hoping to find out more about a more hands-on mode of assistance that I could provide and I never had any idea about this NCIS. Anyways as I had mentioned earlier, NCIS was only opened to NUS students. Well, I took the chance and I got admitted.

So I went for my 1st briefing and after the briefing, they brought us for an orientation and I had to meet my worst fears. I met some cancer patients - including those who were warded there with less severe damage to their bodies, those who are in critical condition, those who came for their check-up, those who were undergoing chemo-therapy and the family members who were waiting for them. Many times I almost broke down. For some reason, I see my Chinnamma aka Godmother in them. I even saw one Caucasian guy who just took a blood test (because there was a plaster on his inner left arm) and he looked very cancer-ish. I mean I am sure he is diagnosed with cancer. It's like seeing patients with Stage 1 all the way until Stage 4 and somehow I saw my Chinnamma in them. When I went to the Chemo-therapy area I almost felt dizzy. For a moment my mind went blank. It's like I visualise my Chinnamma sitting amongst them and undergoing her chemo. I know deep down that the patients are actually undergoing alot of pain but somehow they mustered the courage to smile at us. That was very painful. Like I said, this pain is still very fresh in my heart and mind and trust me, it's deeply entrenched into my heart. I can never forget how she went away.

And then suddenly I realised the signs. The deadline to apply for NCIS was on the 12th July 2013 and I had to rush and apply on the 11th July 2013. 12th July 2013 was exactly 6 months since she left us. 6 months of pain or maybe even more than that. So there is a reason why I had to apply for the NCIS. The best thing was, I was really wondering what to wear for the briefing and since I was rushing, I just grabbed whatever that came to my reach. While I was reflecting on the date, I realised that I was wearing the exact t-shirt that I wore when I rushed out of the chalet on 12th January 2013. Basically I saw her lying there motionless in that same t-shirt and strangely I wore that t-shirt for this 1st ever NCIS briefing. I'm definitely not riding on bullcrap or am I ?.

I was talking to R and M about all this. Both agreed that there was definitely some relation, some connection. I came home to have an early dinner because I am heading to the Airport in like less than 3 hours time. There goes my sleep - anyways this is a peripheral information. But yes, I had my early dinner and I turned on the TV. They were telecasting "Paadangal". 2 guys were talking about how they overcame their obstacles to achieve well in their academia. I was very interested in what this particular guy had to mention. His name was Rahuman. He was those kind of students who was literally afraid of studies and he used to see his teachers as demons and his main moral support was his mother. Soon after, he realised that his mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Yes, CANCER. He explained how one day while he was at Bouna Vista (on his way to NUH), he received a phone call where his uncles asked him to rush down as his mother was dying. He was literally describing how he rushed and walked towards her ward where he saw all his cousins and all waiting and etc. That particular part fucking brought back the pain in me because that was exactly how I experienced the chain of events on that unfateful day. I know it. I fucking know it.

On that unfateful day, the roads were against me. The weather was against me. But I know I begged an Indian family to allow me to take their cab (they had stopped the cab before me but yea). The taxi is not God, right ?. (So apparently I reached 15 minutes after she had passed on). But of course, I didn't know that. My gut feelings told me to check my watch at a particular time (till now I don't know why) and it was 3:16 p.m. That was the time she passed on. I didn't know. I reached the lobby. I rushed to the lift and pressed the button up. My heart was thumping like a fucking bitch. I stepped out. Suddenly I had this weird feeling. The air around me was suddenly so chilly. It was like as if, something was telling me that I was just too late. I saw all the relatives outside the ward. All the men were like busy on their phones - making calls / speaking to people on the other end. Some were just leaning against the wall and some looked sad. I was like "fuck .... really please, don't tell me ... just don't tell me". I was walking really slowly because to be really honest, I didn't want to face the reality. But I saw Neevan (my chinnamma's son). His eyes met mine and he just shook his head and a tear rolled down his cheek. At that juncture, I swear, I felt my world crashing in. I knew then. I knew she left. But still, I didn't want to believe it. I walked in. I heard a few people crying. I stood at the foot of the bed and she looked like she was sleeping. They told me she had passed on. My world crashed once more and all I know was, I just dropped at her feet and burst out. I dropped at her feet because I had to ask for forgiveness. For not accepting her illness when she was told us and instead, lived in denial thinking that she would be cured, not spending enough time with her, not being able to communicate with her like how I had used to, for disappointing her, for not freely kissing her like how I had used to, for not saying I fucking love you when I could have and really the list goes on. Soon, I was given the space to walk up to her. I walked up to her, touched her face and the warmth was still there. She was just alive but not alive. I mean fuck she was still fucking warm man .... just like how she was always. But this time she was not going to stand up, smile, grab our hands or whatsoever. Only 1 question popped in my mind and that was "why ma, you're thinking twice to kiss chinnamma ah ?". She asked me that question when she and my chittappa had dropped me and my mother off after my cousin's engagement. My mom had asked me to kiss my chinnamma and for some reason, I was hesitant. (That hesitancy was caused by a failed relationship that a fucked up ex-bestfriend of mine caused. I will never forgive you to this day, bastard !) Suddenly, she asked me that question. I swear I felt like the most fucked up person ever on planet Earth. On that day itself, it dawned upon me that she was leaving us slowly and to garner such a question from a dying chinnamma .... from someone who I fucking loved really killed me. So when I saw her motionless body there at the hospital, that was the fucking question that came into my mind. I kissed her. I know my heart screamed out "HOW CAN I NOT FUCKING KISS YOU. I FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING LOVE YOU !". But then, she didn't wake up to give that smile of assurance. She didn't. She continued sleeping. Well why should I expect her to wake up when she was finally sleeping after a long battle. But she was NEVER going to wake up. I mean how can I accept that she was never waking up. They burnt her body man. I am never gonna see her. Never. Never. She's just gone. Like as if someone clicked on the backspace button without the "Undo action". Gone. Just gone.

I know that she had high hopes on me. She was one of those who never gave up on me. She used to speak highly of me to people around. She made friends with my MI Tamil teacher - Mr Sengu and well Mr Sengu behaves like a fucker to the students but strangely he spoke highly of me and my achievements to the school to my Chinnamma and my mom was telling me how proud she was of me and all. I came on TV for a pathetic competition and I was watching it with her ... during her last stages and I told her that I felt embarrassed that I lost out without a good fight and she actually told me "I know you're way smarter than those people ma. This people are way older and so they had the tendency to know more. This is not a fair competition itself". She said all those words to pacify. She even exclaimed that I spoke good Tamil and that I appeared really cool and composed on TV. I know she said all those to pacify me. To make it look as if I'm some Demi-God. Hahahha, why Chinnamma, why so much of hopes on me ?. You know it fucking hurts that you're not around now.

Anyways, I don't know why I'm lamenting this much. I literally pouring out my heart. I don't know. I cannot even type without breaking down. Pain. Pain at the highest order I guess. You know, she was having cough for a few weeks and the doctor at the clinic gave her cough syrup and increased the concentration as her cough got worst. She was asked to go for an X-ray and soonafter, the doctors asked her to go for a diagnostic X-ray at SATA and yea, she knew it before anyone else knew. She came out and told my cousin, "what would you do if I was slowly dying ?" and my cousin went like "Ma, stop talking like that. I would make sure you get cured". She smiled at her and asked her to sleep. Really how could you take something so heart-wrenching that easily, Chinnamma. Seriously what are you made up of ?.


My cousin told me that every night, my Chinnamma would cry herself to sleep. She would look at my cousin and just cry. You know I don't know what she was thinking but I know that she had alot of plans, alot of goals, alot of wishes and this fucking cancer bitch ended everything without any mercy. It literally killed her. So at this juncture, I know that many cancer patients would be going through whatever my Chinnamma went through, right ?. So I need to meet them. I need to hear them out. This is what I wanted to do right. To honour her. To make sure I have her deep in my heart and through her, help out others who have cancer. I need to tell them to be as strong as she was. To embrace death like a hero. I need to tell it to them right ?. Yes I would. I know I was destined to do this. I will do it. I will honour her because she was a fucking legend. You know recently, I had a cousin's night over at my place and I have no idea why but I told my cousin something. I swear I didn't even realise what I had said until I ended the sentence and I went like "what the fuck did I just say". All I know was I was looking at her picture and I actually said "you know, there was a reason why she had cancer. There was a reason why she had to suffer so much. You know, there is no pride in living till we grow old and die just like that. I mean the world will just say, oh person X lived and died so peacefully and ya da ya da. I mean there isn't a distinct thing to remember about them. But for Chinnamma, she died as a hero. She died as a fighter. Her lifespan was 8 months but she fucking fought and lived for 2.5 years longer ! Now every single time we speak of her or even think of her, we would remember the fight she had. So that no matter how tough things get, we will tell ourselves that she fought like a hero despite having such a painful disease and we're just gonna give up without a fight while we're pink in health ? No way, we will honour her. We will fight like her". I swear to God, I don't even know why I said that but I did. I will fight like her. I would. Even if I were to contract some disease in future, I know that I will fight like her. I will. Thank you so much Chinnamma. I never thought that I would one day help patients with cancer one day. That was never in my goal-path. But well, everything happens for a reason. It was afterall the signs. Once again, thank you so much Chinnamma. This journey is going to be sooo painful. I am sure that I will break down as I speak to those patients but I will really try my level best to help them as much as I can. I will honour you in everything that I do. May all this glory belong to only you. I love you Chinnamma. I hope you would be proud of me.




Sign 2


This particular thing has always been lingering on my mind. I have seen a plethora of signs with regards to this matter 2.5 years down the road and I still see the signs. So on Saturday I saw 2 signs right before my eyes and today ... haha lets see.



Sign 3


Everything happens for a reason. It really does. I was presented with a camera for my birthday and I had a certain emotional attachment towards it. I mean I took to it like how a duck would take to water. I even had a sentimental value towards it. There is definitely a reason as to why I had to lose that camera in such a way. It is somewhere in Phi Phi Island (Phuket). Some other tourist would be using it. Like I said, there is a reason for everything. That chapter ends there. Even recently, I got another MP3 drive for my mom and her previous MP3 died on her. Like I said, there was always a reason. A reason.

Vithiya 'Vitz'

11 Jan 1987

Undergrad (Psychology)

Manchester United

vithiyakumar11@gmail.com

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