Sunday, May 19, 2013
My brother - he asked me if I wanted to talk and I almost forgot that I had
told him about my old mistakes. So that was his pearls of wisdom and that
honestly made me realise alot of things. If you had wondered why I had deleted
all my old post is because I see them as extremely pointless. Anyways, this
will be my last entry on this blog (at least with regards to this situation).
First and foremost, I didn't ask him to type out this messages, or begged
him to say things that I would agree to or things that I would want him to say.
I only asked him to be honest. He had always been a very practical person who
is very direct and frank. One of the reasons why I clicked with him so well is
because of this factor. One of those to whom I can share anything and
everything to.So brother, thank you again.
What is friendship ?
Basically, why must I defend my act or why must I even explain my act to
people ?. If you guys had known me so well, I wouldn't even have the need to
explain myself or to ask you to hear my side. If you guys had been true friends
and known me so well, you guys wouldn't have been this judgmental to begin
with.
To the best of my knowledge, I had performed my duties as a friend to a
group of people. Some may say that I had been so unreasonable and that my
behaviour had been so errant. My only point of contention (even if you may
choose to dispute that I had ill-treated you and made you feel so unhappy and
transformed you into a person with no self-respect) is that, I had gone
through equal bullshit with you as well and I shed my own fair share of tears
and had my own share of happiness. You know it so well. I wouldn't say that I
had failed as a friend. So you guys know me inside-out as a friend and if my
past mistakes were to be taken as a serious blemish of my duty, as my stand as
a friend, then honestly I have nothing to say.
As we grow up, many a time, we would be pushed into a plethora of varying
situation which require us to exercise differing range of decisions. Through my
rise and fall, I had made my decisions. I had made my own mistakes, I had
learnt from them. To this day, I would say that I am thankful for such an experience
because it eventually showed me who I really was as compared to
who I had
tried to be. I would still standby my whole decision to have chosen to come
out of it and choosing to never look back. I mean afterall, it is my own
decision and only I am responsible for it. Like I said, as we grow up, we would
be making alot of decisions to begin with. If I am going to get judged at every
turn and at every corner, then honestly, I don't need all this.
People may chose to see me as a "walking contradiction", as a
"laughing stock", as a girl with "no moral values", "yucks" and
whatnot. I don't know the range of your labels. You can go on and name me
anything you want. Anything that would make you feel happy. All my life I
thought that only strangers and imposters or even pretenders would judge you
but I never knew people who understood you could judge you and place such
serious doubt on your character due to your past mistakes. I'm sorry, my
perspective of a friend was never such. I never judged my close friends. Yes, I
had gossiped but I had never gossiped about my own close friends. I only spoke
about people I knew on a shallow level. This I would agree on any day. Because
I never knew I could judge close friends expecially when I knew their story and
the reason behind it all.
To each, his own pain. You may have your own set of pain and etc and
likewise, I have my own set of pain. As per your beliefs, I am talking about my
pain to paint a sad story, right ?. Nevermind, I shall not even talk about it
or explain about it. But just a note, to each, his own pain. Only I know my
pain and only I know the amount of tears, heartbreaks, disappointments, anger
and everything that I went through. And I had enough of all this.
I only wanted friends who would understand the story behind it all. Like I
had mentioned since day one, it was never my intention to hide it all. It's
just that I had no one to talk about it too and I chose who I wanted to tell it
to. It was a very sensitive and personal issue of mine and I thought I was
right in telling only who I felt I was going to be extremely comfortable with.
I don't regret my decision. All my entries were not to take anyone down or so.
I only wanted to be heard not judged. But then again, why must I fight to be
heard. True friends would genuinely want to hear me out before placing their
own respective set of judgments, right ?. I don't know, but this is how I saw
friends as.
My decision
This is not a sad story but I had too much of beautiful memories with many people
out there and it does hurt alot. It does hurt alot to affect me in many
possible ways. It would continue to haunt me. But then again, I can handle it.
I mean I had never chosen to be strong but the course of life has pushed me
down too many times and forced me to be strong. So somehow I will get over this
whole phase. If you think I had failed as a friend, then I would sincerely
apologise from the bottom of my heart and to whoever you wants to judge me, you
can go on, I won't defend myself anymore. Really, as I had mention, this will
be my last entry with regards to everything. To those who understand me, thank
you for everything. Last but not least, thank you for those beautiful memories
and it's going to be really hard but life has to go on. Thank you again, I'll
miss you guys. *hugs*
PS: It was definitely never an obsession as how you have thought of it. For those who continue to believe and trust me for the person I am and for the character that I have, I will be there for you'll.
"
Mirror on the wall,
here we go again,
through my rise and fall,
you've been my only friend"
As long as I know I can be proud of the reflection on the mirror, I know I am threading the right path.
A small dedication
To whoever you choose to listen to me out, thank you again. You guys know
who you guys are: L, M, G, R, N, PPH and the list goes on. Love you guys.
You got coloured @
10:01 pm