I love you, Chinnamma.

I'm really typing this with tears streaming down my face. Why are you so damn nice ? Why are you so good ?. I can't take it. That's why I still stand by what I said.

THERE CAN NEVER BE ANOTHER YOU. Never ! You were an angel. Why this .... I am so words but gratitude ! You were a gem of a person la. Really !

THERE CAN NEVER BE ANOTHER YOU, CHINNAMMA !

Hello Angel !

There can never be another you. That is the truth, Chinnamma. You're really missed. Without you, I feel that the spirit of the family is disintegrating - badly.

You know until now I cannot forget the face I saw in the hospital. The face after you left us all. That face ... without any life, any colour and etc. That face is still etched onto my mind. When that face pops into my mind, I only remember one question that you asked me some time ago :- "Enna da, Chinnamma-ku mutham-koduka kuda nee yosikiriyaa" (You're thinking twice just to kiss me ah). Like I said, we had our awkward moments and at that juncture I couldn't bring myself to do things naturally but whether I behaved naturally or not, you're an important person in my life. Even as I type this tears are welling up my eyes. Sorry Chinnamma, I will never think twice. NEVER FUCKING AGAIN ! NEVER NEVER NEVER ! I am so sorry. I hope God told you how much I love you, because I really do. Your death is too much for me to accept. But yes, your time came and the pain was evident but .... you don't deserve all this.

I don't care what people are going to think of me and all but you will be there for every important functions of mine. I will make sure I carry you with me during all those times. I know you will be there Chinnamma, you always will.

God, thank you for sending such an angel to look after my family. You will never be forgotten. Never.

That racist twat - Suarez got into the limelight again and this time for biting a defender. That fella is such a drama mama, man ! Haha.

And I posted a status on my Facebook. And it goes like:-

"I don't like Suarez but I have no questions about his talent - I think he's an amazing striker. Who can forget how he terrorises the defence with his sublime skills. BUT, I cannot comprehend why fans have to compare him to the likes of Cantona, Keane, Zidane and you name it. I am not saying that Cantona, Keane and Zidane are angels but I don't think they bagged such dramatic moments as much as S...uarez did (or will do in future). Also, I can suddenly see some fans appealing for us to stop harping on this incident. Well, my only question is, if a Man Utd player is in the limelight for such an incident, will it go unnoticed or will it even escape a barrage of criticism ?. No way, right ?. So my only plea is, if you want things this way, then you should learn how to keep your trap shut when players are embroiled in such a controversial circumstance. Or rather, practice what you preach. Simple, this works 2 way.


Meanwhile, lets give him a break. Fella's had too much of shit going on already and what more, he's going to be slapped with a hefty fine or a ban. So let's take a chill pill with regards to his issue. Just for the records, this is coming from a Man United fan who dislike him".

Frankly, does it even look like a banter ?. Of course, this Vijay K decided to comment and frankly some of my friends think he's fucking dumb but well, I just replied as per the arguments and suddenly, he mentiond "celebrate but don't over celebrate". So my point was, we will celebrate in any way and why the fuck do you want to care ?". Of course la .. jealous ma. Fucking sore loser couldn't accept my arguments and got his ego bruised. Fucking asshole.

And he decided to ask our other Liverpool fanatic for support and the latter also started to post on his wall for I don't know what reason. Liverpool fans like them are a total turn off sia. Really.

So what happened next was fucking uncalled for and if I really wanted I could've easily embarrassed him on Facebook itself. He posted on Fanatic's wall "I can't believe she called someone else fugly bitch" or something along that line.


So now it goes like this. Mr Vijay K, who the FUCK are you to talk about stuff apart from the banter I shared with you. Seriously, who the fuck are you. Can I now pull your own shit into picture ?.

What happened to your group of friends ? Fight ah ?. Alamak, why you guys never reconcile ah ?. Your friends doing WAY better than you leh and all you do is go for jamming session with a bored gay twat ?! Oh no, so sad :( ! And why is it that I hear you giving people prank calls, eh ?. Please ah, you have your own bullcrap. Don't make me talk about it. I have no rights to talk about your personal shit and likewise, you have NO FUCKING RIGHTS to talk about MY personal shit.

I am totally waiting to grind you out man. I will have my chance. Waiting for it.

Yes, I was at Tanjong Beach Club earlier on. It was raining and I was there with my hood. Funny, yes it may be but it really helped me to unwind. Really did.

You know I have some detailed stand in life. I just posted it up on my Facebook - "In life we should never be afraid to admit our mistakes, never feel shameful to apologise when we have erred and never be afraid to stand up for our rights".

To be honest, I never became this explosive because I wanted people to apologise to me and what not. I know I have shown an unreasonable amount of anger - especially with the words that I have poured out. I regret it. I mean that was the only way I could get back at you for what I deem as "unreasonable behaviour" from you. I mean, what else can I talk about if not for calling you "fat". Look I have never aimed to demean you. I'm not made up of such substance. Never.

So for that I would apologise and I am not afraid of doing so. I will prove my stand to my loved ones and apologise at areas where I have to. I will do it. In addition, I'll also share my own point of view. I would. 

You know some friendships are meant to be broken. You can really kick some out of your life for they will only pull you down. But friendship built on tears, unconditional love, fights, trials and tribulations and whatnot cannot be kicked away that easily. Sometimes moving away seems to be the best way out but unfortunately you can't do it when you have good friends around you who show you unconditional love. I mean, I never wanted anyone to apologise. No. I only wanted to say what I felt like. Just to air my point of view and to see a message with apology really broke my heart. I know how much it takes to apologise. Everyone's ego gets into the way and someone is letting go of their ego just to apologise to save something that is so valuable and how can I be like ... stone-hearted enough to choose an exit ?.

I have a way. I will explain to each and everyone of them who have been affected. I need to share my POV and I will apologise in those areas where I have to. This I promise. I am good with words - not through speech. But I will send you guys messages and will let you guys know my deepest feelings.


You know sometimes I wonder how it would be if I die suddenly .. like tomorrow itself. Those unsaid words, those unsaid feelings. Sometimes you get hurt, sometimes you hurt. Like G said that I have changed alot and that knowing the thresholds of pain, I actually thought of inflicting such pain on someone else. But, I've not changed. Only circumstances will bring out the best and worst in you and that's what I did. I am not justifying my behaviour here but I am stating what I eventually did. I showed my worst behaviour. A side of me that I don't usually show because there weren't any circumstances that asked for it. I will NEVER at any point in my life inflict such pain on someone else. I hate pain and I hate watching people suffer in pain and that's one of the reasons why I easily forgive - because I cannot watch pain and of all people do you really think I would enjoy inflicting pain on others. Do you really think I would want one to cry to sleep ?. Not at all. That isn't me. I just vented my frustrations and stated my point and included alot of offensive words. That is my problem - offensive words, words that bring people's self-esteem down. Like I said, I would apologise for that. I will never show a blind eye. I would send each one of you'll a message and explain. I would. This I promise.

Yea, I know that my most of my posts have been peppered with a plethora of offensive words. I have even labelled you, yes. I would admit it. I have the guts to.

Look, stop making it as if I don't understand you and blah blah. Like I said, I HATE your attention-seeking ploy. I really hate it because I get affected at the end of the day. To this date I wonder why people think you're so pitiful. Have you given a thought ?. It's all because you portrayed yourself in such a manner.When you fight with me, who do you share it to ?. Think carefully. Until M herself told me that her impression of me changed and she thought I was unreasonable. Do you know how tired I am of all this shit ?!

Well, I have no space to air my comments. When I do it, I become evil. I will be the bitch and you'll appear as the angel. I am tired of that. A classic example would be when you made the fucking mistake and it was so obvious on what kind of a mistake that was and what happened next ?. GK immediately took your side saying "nee romba paavam". PAAVAM PAAVAM PAAVAM ! I've never heard this words so many times in my life. But it all started after meeting you only. Honestly I am sick and tired of that word. Really am.

To my clique, sorry guys. I can personally see that you guys would rather take her side then to give a shit about me. Cos afterall I am the negative one, the one who shows hatred and blah blah. So when Vitz and G fight, its all about Vitz's anger and G would be paavam. Sooner or later, M would know and L will know about the problem and they will pity G and no one would bother asking Vitz anything cos Vitz doesn't matter to them. Nevermind, let it be. I saw where I stood earlier today. I'll move out. Thank you for the memories.

And G, yea my words were atrocious. I said all that out in anger. I admit. I am sorry for the offensive words used. But I am really tired. Very tired of all this. Thank you for everything too.


 Oh yes, I have come to know fully about the depth of friendship too.

My exact sentiments.

Hi GD, I know that you're definitely stoop really low and read this post of mine. I am very sure. Basically you would have by down realised that I have blocked you off and you would use your brother, V's FB page or steal M's phone and view my profile. When either one of them ask why you're viewing my FB page in their account, you would come up with "I am soo sad... Vitz blocked me ... I don't know whats happening... I don't know what I did ... I am so so sad ... I think Vitz hates me ... " blah blah blah and all those bullshit that you're fucked up brains can come up with. I am fucking sure of that, bitch !

I'm extremely disappointed that G came to visit you saying that you're upset for the past few days and etc. Hey bitch, you're seriously upset ah ? With what ? Not having enough chilli sauce for your bread ? Or not eating enough shit ? Really I wanna know ! This is the problem here. You would try to gain sympathy by doing anything and everything to tell others on how you feel (will conveniently ignore my feelings here cos it's not important at all) and will tell M and M will share her thoughts with L or G and yea, all of them would start to think that you're so paavam. Do you see me messaging everyone around me on how upset I am and all ?. Yea, cos bitch, I am not so hard-up to gain sympathy, really !


Now this is the 1st step in which my feelings, my emotions will be swept over and I would appear as the bad bitch, all because you're the most pitiful bitch.Seriously you have played your damn card well. You would buy us expensive gifts just to take a high spot than other friends. So that we will have some kind of a bond with you. You would make it look as if you care to spend that much and guess what will happen next, we would naturally have that kind of "wahh GD loves me so much ah" shit. I fucking regret that you of all people had to save up $1,300 + the lens ($200-$500) for me ! FUCKING REGRET. I feel like breaking that DSLR camera but the only thing that is stopping me from doing so is my love for photography. That was why I NEVER wanted you to buy me one. You have made me physically unable to move sia.

I know why you're having all this arrogance. It's because people outside the social circle are starting to realise that you sing well. This has given you that arrogance to behave like a complete bitch. Where was this sarcastic motherfucker during your slumpy period ? Hidden inside your asshole ah ?! Exactly, a drama mama. People can say you have low self esteem ? Why is that so ? Because you're fat ? Oh please, blame it on your eating habits for it la. And I can vividly remember how you actually rebutted VS by saying " I know I can sing better than you" ! Hah, so that isn't all about having high self-esteem ah ? HAHAHAHA lying scumbag of a bitch !

To be honest I am upset with L and M too. Cos I can see how much they're taking the sides of that fat bitch. Can see. The 4 of us will be close but now it's just L, M and G. For some reason, some incidents will be hidden from Vitz cos she's not important what. Let her find out herself la.

So my question now is, where do I stand ?. Why must I even be in this clique then ?

Hey Gayatri mother-fucking Devi, thank you so much for this la. You hated S, K and M and off they went. Now it's my turn right ? I know it.

I WISH I CAN KILL YOU MYSELF.

Ok, this post may be long because I have no other outlet but besides this to vent out my anger on a bestfriend.

First and foremost, sorry ah babe, but I really am harbouring alot of hatred on you. ALOT. I have my reasons and I know you will read this one day and so here it is.

Sympathy

Trust me, I hate that fact that you anything and everything to gain sympathy. I am really tired of having our own friends say "paavam la ____ akka". Seriously, FUCK YOU. Can you tell me exactly how pitiful you may be ?. I am so curious to know. All your life, you have made yourself negative. It's just as simple as that. So when you think you're misunderstood, you instantly start texting people or calling me or the other friends or even post on FB saying you're sad. And immediately people will be like "aiyoh paavam laaa". FUCK YOU la. You want to know why people pity you easily ? Well its because you text people or call them to say you're sad while I don't do that. That's the major difference. Pathetic. I can't believe that once GK even said out in our group chat that you're so pitiful and that I should control my anger towards you because you are oh-so-pitiful ! When I asked him about it, he told me that you had very low self-esteem and that we need to pity you. What the fuck man. You, low self-esteem ? My backside la.

Why do you like to gain sympathy ah ? This specific trait about you MAKES ME HATE YOU ! Bloody piece of shit. Even now I bet that you would call your sister up and mention how sad you are because I deleted you. How sad you are because I don't understand you and soon, the brother will get to know. Somehow, they will feel your "pain" more because, the sympathy came from your end what ?!.

You're a real disappointment sia. I feel as if I've wasted time on you. Seriously.

You claim that you're a bestfriend. Issit ? How so ?. How can you call yourself my bestfriend ? What have you done so far ? Listen me out during my slumpy period and all ? Yes you were there many times.I will never forget that. You have showered me with so much of gifts that I really feel so so so so so fucked up to use. You know this is like one of the greatest reasons as to why I HATE it when you spend a bomb on my birthdays. But seriously, don't you think that you have done much more to label me as the bad person in our group of friends ?. Neither M nor L knows how fucking arrogant you can get. They don't know how fucking sarcastic you can get. I hate sarcastic bitches like you. I really do. They were never there during the fights. So they will never quite understand what I feel. And obviously, you would go and share your OH-SO-SAD stories to M and M will tell L and this cycle will continue.

Right now I personally feel that you're separating me from my clique. M is naturally close to you. You and M share many stuffs. Good. Normally the 4 of us would be in conference. You would ask me to call when you call M. M would naturally have L on the line. So right now can you touch your heart and say that there have been no conferences without me at all - especially during this period ? I even suspect that you 3 have your own chat logs or at least you are in constant messaging bond with M. So you share your own crap with M and M with L and I know nothing about it ? K, GK and A are not exactly too close in this clique. It was just the 4 and don't you think you, fucking piece of shit, is separating me from my own friends ? You met K recently and sent a general msg on our chat group and asked if anyone was free to come. So how did this work the last time round ?. You USED to send me personal message bitch - not to ask me to consider coming but to inform me of the details cos you know that I will come. So where did that go ? Why you wanna include K into your gang and so that it would be easier for you to gain sympathy ah ?

Look I am not a bad person but I feel that you make me look so cheap and bad. I don't have an anger-management problem la. But you mother-fucking piece of shit, you made me look like one ! I have this very deep-seeded anger on you because I feel that you're being supported unjustly. That's not fair !

Let me tell you. Alot of people hate you for a reason. I used to wonder why were people having issues with you but maybe, I think I know why. Sooner or later, you're going to feel the pinch of being the fucker who is playing this game of deceit. You will be punished accordingly. You're going to regret alot of things. I can see problems coming your way. Got options now right ? Go la, so suck balls and ankat. You will have it real soon.

And fucking bitch, now you act as if my problems doesn't affect you ah ? Being so happy, joking, sharing internal jokes and all ah ?. I know why la. Hahahaha. PATHETIC bitch la you. And you dare say you care about me ?. FUCK YOU. If you really cared, you would have felt my pain.

You go around and pathetically share your pain to literally the whole grp. M then L and it will go around. But who do I share it to ?. I am closer to L but do you see me doing something this cheap ?. Well that's the difference between me and you la, P !

Seriously I do wonder why am I so angry and i realise that its because I hate your sarcasm, your sympathy-creating ploy and it all starts from there. DUMB bitch. Why do you have to label me as the bad one ah ?. WHY ?! So apart from showering one with birthday gifts, you also buy random gifts (worth more than $50) just to make it look like "look I care for u and so I make ur wish come true" shit ?. Or is it for some other reason ? I won't be surprised la. You are capable of anything.

Bottom line, YOU HAVE DISAPPOINTED ME ALOT. WAY WAY ALOT.


 And you're a lying scum bag !

You want, you show your sarcasm to the members in your family la. Don't come and show me. I wish I can bitch slap you sia. Oh yea, you even gained enough sympathy to even get me whacked before ah ?. I can still remember sia.I will not blame him. I would only blame you because you were the motherfucker who started everything and to this date, act as if everything is alright.

This year must be the year. A couple of goals.

Sometimes I find it really frustrating to note that I don't fulfil all those that I've planned for ... but heck, this year I need to get it done.

#1 : I need to get my fucking driving license. Been dragging it far too long.

#2 : Credit card. To get a good one

#3 : Money in the bank - I have a certain amount that I want to touch and probably to start investing. it's good to start young.

#4 : Chinese. I want to learn chinese.

Oh tell me about it.

Hella' annoyed.

Why am I reacting ?. Because I know I am not in the wrong. I wonder if you systematically planned this shit or it was a mere coincidence. You claim that you're oh-so hurt. Alot of sympathy is coming your way. So how about the hurt that I am made to go through ? Sent to the trash bins ?. Well done :)

The major difference between you and me - you seek to gain sympathy while I don't.

Oh by the way, there IS a difference between accidentally ostracising someone and choosing to ostracise someone.

More reasons to why I need a twinsoul. Ahhh .... c'mon man !

 Hello !

You know I can sense a major difference ... something that is different from the past but if I were to be vocal about it, I would become bad. So the natural reaction is silence.

Tiring, I would say.

You know, I really don't know if I am that complicated to be understood and I am tired of being misunderstood. Dead tired.

I need a soulmate - I am not talking about being attached here. I need a soulmate or rather a twin soul who can relate to my feelings, thoughts, emotions and what not. Expecting a future partner with such qualities would be rare - anyways jinx in love what. So the rarity is even rarer. Complicated girl in a complicated world.

So just .... go with the flow.

Running away

Hi blog. Guess what, I am operating on a thin line between confusion and complications. Well well. What can I say. Why is it that I don't seem to be understood. I mean, am I that complicated ?

I am still reeling in some bitterness. I don't wish to talk about it. This may eventually be something that I bring to the grave with me. Lol.

But this is like one of the strongest reasons on why I would want to have a .. soulmate. Literally someone who would understand the slightest touch from my fingers and etc or is it too "warpped" an idea ? I don't know.

God, you know what I want. You definitely know it. Sort it out for me.

Oh btw, I am so so so tired of saying that 'I miss(ed) you".

Am I too complicated ? Or is it because no one really understands me ?. This is really upsetting :(

 A deep-seeded dream. You know what my dream is. Can't you feel ? I mean it's always the same dream that keeps recurring.

 when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it. Will you help me out, Universe ?

Anyways I met Shobi last night. It was a very emotional meet-up. We cried a lot. I mean that was the first time we met alone after the death of my Chinnamma. So I allowed her to talk whatever she wanted to and I realized how beautiful a woman my Chinnamma was. She's really a gem. An angel gone too soon but at the same time, it's also better that she left soon - she was in a lot of pain.

I love you Chinnamma. I really do. Shobi mentioned that you were proud of me. I don't know how true this is but I will continue to honour you. I love you a lot, Chinnamma.

Hello blog ! It's been so long since I last blogged. Like seriously. Haha. Anyways, too many things happened and I realise that I've been like using my Facebook statuses to rant out my thoughts. So maybe that explains the absence of posts/entries.

I don't know if anyone still visits my blog but if I still have some fans, then I'm saying this "hola" to you !

Ok. Too many things happened. Where can I start from ?!

My aunt .. My godmother passed away on the 12th January 2013. I'm fucking broken. I really am. You know this was the 1st time she didn't wish me on my birthday. On the 7th January 2013, she was admitted in the ICU ward because she had stopped breathing. We rushed down to see her and I was a little relieved when the doctors managed to revive her but you know, they told us that her lungs have failed. I was really ... broken. I realised then that she would be leaving us soon. I asked my godbrother - Ragha on how long she may live (he's a nurse btw). He told me less than a month. So yes. But she only lived 5 days after that and she passed on. She's an amazing woman. She really is. I feel so sad because.. she doesn't deserve to die out of cancer. You know, I saw her suffering. I did. But I cannot imagine how much Shobi would have seen her mom suffering. That must have been fucking painful. I respect Shobi for going through such a hard time. Although we have our differences, I told myself that I should be there for her as an elder sister. To guide her .. to be there for her in general. It's like an uphill task because an ex-bestfriend, a motherfucker by the name of Silas ruined my relationship with my Chinnamma and her family. I mean we're still as one but there are some hiccups here and there. So I feel really awkward. You know sometimes I wonder if people think if I am acting ... suddenly showering Shobi with the concern, love and affection but honestly I really do love them - especially my Chinnamma. I owe her my life man. She's an angel in my life but I cannot really show this side of me to her .. to her family because I feel awkward. But I know that she is looking down at me now and she will finally see whatever I've been through and everything. For some reason I have this feeling .. that God will let the ones up there go through moments of their lives by showing them snippets of how truthful people have been and so on. I mean will people never know what was the truth ? No right ? There must be a way right ? So I wish, hope, pray that she will see the truth. The side of me.

Chinnamma, I really love you. I cannot bear to see you "trapped" inside an urn. But you really suffered so much ... maybe it's good that you left. But you left like a legend man. You inspired so many people out there. If I ever die, I wish to die like a legend, just like you. Chinnamma, please continue to show me and the others the light. Be our guide in everything that we do :)

Haiz. I feel so sad already.


Anyways, I am directing my 1st music video ever. My first ever directional debut. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8OSpoGltb4&feature=youtube_gdata_player ( watch the trailer here). You know what's the amazing thing ? I kinda used my pain to do this music video. Alot of people are going to think that I am going to diss someone here. But honestly, I'm not that stone-hearted to do so. If YOU know me well, YOU would know that I will never do such a thing. I CAN do a shortfilm based on whatever YOU have done but what's the point ? I'll only look like a bitch before you. Maybe a psycho on a bitcher note ?!. I still cannot believe that you called me psychotic. Seriously painful sia. I mean of all people, it has to be YOU ?! Someone who I thought knew me well .... Maybe that's the thing. You didn't know me afterall ...  Anyways, thank you so much for that pain. The video looks good man. I owe you alot for this.

Last but not least .. I want to say something as well. Hmmm. Thank you Mr Anil C. He was my ex boss of an "atas" (high class) law firm. He was a fucked up fucker (or so as I thought). But you know, working for him has taught me alot. It has conditioned me into someone better so much. I never understood your pattern, your words, your scoldings and whatnot. But sir, thank you so much. Because of you, I'm thriving now. I have this .... discipline. Thank you sir. Thank you thank you thank you.

Vithiya 'Vitz'

11 Jan 1987

Undergrad (Psychology)

Manchester United

vithiyakumar11@gmail.com

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