The unpredictability of the colour .
[c]d4rkang3l
Monday, May 17, 2010


Hello blog. I have not been in the best of moods for the past few days and do expect a variation of emotions in this particular entry.


First and foremost, I am deeply saddened by my junior's death. Really saddened ! And I just want to mention a few things here.


Rest in peace, Fathimah


Fathimah - I just happened to bump into her at the school library (MI). I generally have a good rapport with the juniors and seniors of MI and so I was friendly with her and all. I didn't know what lied beneath then. Soon after, another junior told me and my friends that she had this heart condition where her heart can stop anytime and all and she even carried some bottle or medical instrument .. it's something like it will be attached to her body - At this juncture, I can't quite remember what it was. But I was stunned. I mean amidst all the stress of the A level education system, this can only burden her even more. I was really thinking alot about it then.


The same junior who told us about her condition also told me that she spent 3 months in the hospital and did her O levels and she eventually became a top scorer in her school. I was feeling so embarrassed with my ownself. I mean I didn't go through such a difficult period but she did and she came out as a winner while I didn't. I really respected her alot. And despite suffering from pain every damn day, she always had this beautiful cheery smile plastered onto her face and she will always be in a good mood and look at life in a positive light. You know when I am bloody stressed up, seeing her will make me feel alot more better and I took her as my inspiration to remain positive no matter what happens.


And I really want to mention about her mom here. Her mother will always come to school to give her food and she will stay by her only child- daughter's side irregardless of rain or shine. That mother didn't know what difficult or hassle meant. She was always there. Apparently Fathimah couldn't eat all kinds of food and there's a specific type of food which she can eat and her mom will always do it that particular way. I mean I don't know how to describe the beautiful moment when we will be at the canteen and the mom will always come there with packed food to feed her. You know some emotions can only be felt , not explained ! But it was a very beautiful sight , very very beautiful ! No one in this world can put forth a perfect definition of a Mother's love ... it can only be felt , never be explained. But in a gist , Mother's love = heaven ! And I really really respected and saluted her mother. She was and even till now will remain as my epitome of unconditional love. I generally love to observe and appreciate alot of random people and their lives and always make some mental notes. And she's someone whom I'll never forget in my life.


On Saturday (15th May) , I was awaken by Pravin's call and he told me that Fathimah had passed away. I was so shocked ! I couldn't believe my own ears and since I was in a groggy mood I couldn't react. As in it didn't settle in yet. I had tuition at 1230 pm and dance at 330pm. I was supposed to go for tuition and head for dance but I had to push forth my plans and go for Fathimah's funeral. The time was 930 am and I had to be there by 12 because they will take away her body at 12 it seemed. So I really rushed and was reminiscing about all those moments I had spent with her and everything...


When I first went to her house, Pravin informed me that they're bathing her. So Pravin, Shafie, Karpagam and I waited outside and somehow we were talking about alot of stuff that I kind of took my mind away from the funeral. Just then I overheard what the father said and also Shafie told us some details.


It seems that she didn't die naturally. The dad took out the life support from her. He pulled the plug - he couldn't watch her suffer. Well, her skin started peeling out and her flesh was being exposed, she vomitted blood, her eyes nearly dropped out, her face was melting, alot blood were clotting her eyes, her body parts started coming out and .... all ... so he pulled the plug. In my frankest opinion, although i fucking hate the fact that she died , I think it was better for the dad to pull the plug. I cannot stand the fact that that poor soul suffered this much throughout her life ! Really fucking upset.


Soon, the dad asked everyone of us to see her face for the last time and they were doing some ritual ( muslim rituals ) and I was unfamiliar with all this. They gave us some light brown thing and we had to put it around her head and I did it. While doing it, I was looking at her face.. i swear, it broke my heart to watch a junior lying motionless there. I don't know what was happening but her face looked so disfigured. Her nose were like melted .. it was had melted and nearly "ate" her left eye away. And I think the doctors stitched it up and all. I don't know how to describe how fucking sad I was... I really couldn't stand it and I really wanted to cry my heart out - serious. I would have burst out crying if I had been standing inside. So I instantly walked out of the house, found a lonely spot and was crying my heart out. I wish I could do more than just crying but it's not in my power to reverse time or anything. I am so sad. I couldn't bear to see her mother cry too. I know the parents did all that they could but .....


I really pray that Fathimah is peaceful up there. She was always a fighter. She could have gone earlier but she fought till the end and despite all her problems and suffering, she never failed to put up that smile. Thank you Fathimah ! Although I am really depressed that you went away too soon, I hope this will put an end to your suffering. Girl, I really love you and will miss you but you will never fade away from my memories. Although we had a short stint during our MI times, I know enough to cry my heart out ! Rest in peace Fathimah.


"One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. And I will take away all the pain that you have suffered on this earth" Revelation 21: 3-4


Reflection


I hate death. I am so afraid of this that I really don't want it to be part and parcel of my life. Some people will say "life still has to go one" but I cannot move on just like that. I know that all of us have to go one day. But I don't have to courage to watch a loved one go off like that. And that is why, I really really make and effort to reduce fights that I have, forgive people really very easily and all. Alot of people have asked me :" are you out of your mind ? Why do you always forgive people easily ?" Well we only have that limited time on this earth and we'll all go off one day and I don't want to die with any regrets. I just don't want to. I want to lie in my death bed just like my grandfather - with a smile on his face. I was very young when I saw it and I often mistook it thinking that he was "laughing" before he died and that was why there was a smile but as I grew older, I realised that he died without any regrets. I want to be like that. I don't know how things will go but I just don't have the heart to see my loved ones die ... and that is why i really pray that I will be gone before they do because I can't see all this ! I fucking don't want to. That is why every little things affect me. For instance, when my mom , my aunty , cousin and I were out, I constantly kept looking behind to see if my mom was safe and all. She was walking with my aunty but I always have this uncertainty looming around me and I am always afraid. So I kept looking back and all and my aunty got irritated and she scolded me. I understand her irritation but I can't help. Haiz. I guess this is just me. The way I am. I hate funerals and I hate death. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate all this ! Just hate !


And to those people out there who take great pride in breaking people's hearts - you don't have the right to break someone's heart. Learn this. When you die one day all they can think about is how badly you broke their heart. I don't think you would want to be known as a heartbreaker ! Some people are super insecured. They think that its better to break someone's heart rather than them breaking your heart but in LOVE, you don't nurse insecurities. You only love unconditionally - not with materialistic or non materialistic conditions. I hope people will all realise this one day. Lets spread love, not hatred ! Please ?


Personal rants


I am beginning to embrace the fact that you should never expect so as to avoid disappointments. Yes, that is true eh ?. Sometimes I feel like some certain things in life looks so momentary. Like nothing last for an eternity - expect for unconditional love ? But even so, some people put such a abrupt end to it and well, that is certainly besides the point here. I believe that words have 2 different sides. Words can be a double-edged sword - it can kill and motivate someone. I am really mentally exhausted of listening to vicious words. Sometimes I feel like I am misunderstood but when will they find the right juncture to understand me fully ? I am really hurt and I guess its a phase I have to go through again-yet again. I guess I must be God's favourite daughter that He chooses to test me as much as He can at every possible moments. Honestly God, I am very very drained. I really wish you can stop because I can see that you create all these obstacles just to test me but I don't know the real reason and people out there do condemn me because they all they see is nothing but my failure. I know this is not fair at all - I really am waiting for answers but I don't get any ?! I am so confused because you make things look so complicated for me. I really don't understand why, God ?!


I hope you can feel what I feel and really stop it.







You got coloured @
1:50 pm
[c]d4rkang3l

The dudette


Vithiya 'Vitz'

11 Jan 1987

Undergrad (Psychology)

Manchester United

vithiyakumar11@gmail.com

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