Thursday, October 29, 2015
29.10.2015. 5 years of pain. 5 years of learning to live with your absence.
So on this day, 5 years back, I was thrown into a situation I was never once accustomed to. I was soo messed up. Emotionally, mentally and even physically. Living was so painful that I know I always wished I was dead. A premature end to my rather, colourful life. Yeap. But you see, I felt no one understood the pain that I was going through. Words gave me comfort but nothing eased that pain that I felt so deep within. I spent all my nights crying. My pillows absorbed my tears but it couldn't absorb my pain. My days were spent trying to learn how to smile all over again. At least, to learn how to act infront of my friends. I was literally a walking corpse. So one day, I decided to end the pretense. To tear down my very own masquerade.
Suicide. I had planned my suicide. I knew exactly what I was going to do. I was once totally against suicide but I thought it was better to become a corpse rather than to live like one. But yes, I was saved by the Grace of God.
So the journey of "trying to live" began. I ain't going to mask the fact that I became someone else I couldn't recognise in the mirror. I did shit. But I learnt. I took full responsibility and accountability of my actions and I grew stronger from that.
The 1st two years of living was really painful. But somehow I survived. In 2013, I learnt how to smile all over again. I started to become the good'ol Vitz. But of course, things happened and I faced an emotional trauma yet again. But I guess my experiences made me alot stronger than I thought I possibly was and I overcame that without any suicidal thoughts. I was just plain angry. My blog, My Facebook and my twitter were often peppered with alot of angsty posts. But honestly when I sit back and reflect, I really think it was a complete waste of my time. I can't believe I had wasted so much of time on unnecessary things. I mean let's be honest, if I had mattered, I wouldn't be judged. So why in the world did I waste sooo much of energy on people who didn't value me ?. I don't know. But I learnt from those bitter experiences.
2014 and currently 2015 had been amazing - and of course it doesn't come without any challenges. All I know is, I'm always God's favourite child and he lovesss to put me through the most difficult situations but I know that he never let me go through it alone. He always walk along side me and ensure that I get through it and become stronger along the way. So thank you for that, Mr God. Haha. And of course, my special angel, my Godma, my Chinnamma is constantly watching me from above and I know she wouldn't let me go through shit alone. So with 2 special forces behind me, I can get through any situation right ?. DUH ! So I always believe that with heartwork and hardwork you can get through any situation. So with all these special forces behind me, alongside me, within me, I somehow managed to do alot of things that I never thought I would.
Today I take pride in saying that a girl who once almost committed suicide produced an entire episode on the topic - "Suicide in Singapore". From conceiving the idea, to penning down the thoughts, to interviewing the subjects, to selecting the soundbites, planning the episode, scripting the episode, editing the episode with the editor to packaging the entire programme. Really who would have thought that I would end up doing this on 31st December 2010 ?.
I don't know what to say. But I guess everything happens for a reason and maybe, I was selected by Mr God to one day produce this episode so that I can create an awareness of how suicide is NEVER the way out of our problems or pain.
Ok at this juncture, I think I need to come clean with Mr God. Look Mr God, I don't have a specific name for you. Infact, I don't even know why I call you "Mr" when you can even be a "Miss" or "Mrs". But I feel comfortable calling you Mr God or rather my favourite "thaadi vecha kallan". HAHA. See ... I know I have scolded you sooo bad. And I know I had broken alot of promises to you and all but hey, thank you for walking alongside me. Actually I honestly don't know how people pray .... but I often tell him this - "Look Mr God, I know you are definitely going to throw me into a difficult situation. But whatever it is, I am not going to pray for an easy situation but all I am asking if for you to walk right by my side. With you right beside me, nothing is impossible". And yes, Mr God always does that (with every other forces working their magic simultaneously).
I won't say I've stopped thinking about you. I won't say I don't cry anymore. I won't say I am not heartbroken. I won't say I have healed. I won't say I am the same old Vithiya. I won't say I don't have my scars. But I have learnt to live with your absence. I have learnt how to manage the pain. Most importantly, I have learnt how to live with a smile. I have grown to realise that the most massive characters are often seared with scars. I take pride in my scars. My scars often remind me of the journey I went through and the strength I gained from it all. So yes, plastered, sealed and I don't bleed like before. I still breathe and I know I am quite kick-ass. HAHA. So I guess I am a ... SURVIVOR ? Yea ? ;)
Lastly, a small sorry to my loved ones. I didn't think about the pain I might have inflicted one you guys if I had succeeded with my suicide. So I am sorry. I love you guys alot. I miss you Chinnamma. You would have completed this picture .... :(
You got coloured @
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Birthday, Daddy !
one of my favourite pictures of us. From the 1+ year old baby-me guarded by
your protective clutch to the grown up me, still guarded by your subtle
Daddy, thank you
for teaching us never to be browbeaten but to continuously guard our
self-respect no matter what.
Thank you for
teaching us the distinction between good and bad, for teaching us to accept our
mistakes and to fight for our rights if we had threaded the virtuous path.
Thank you for
teaching us to face challenges as a family – by being there for each other and
overcoming every obstacle by holding each others' hands and never leaving
Thank you for
teaching me to be courageous and independent. It’s because of your words of
wisdom that I can easily walk away from any backstabbers and chameleons without
any fear of being overly reliant on them. Even if the entire world is against
me, I have the courage to stand alone and face them all. The world is never
fair and I know that I can handle it with a smile and it’s all because of you
Dad, thank you.
21 years ago, when
I was in Primary 1, I was chosen to represent my school for an essay writing
competition and it was you who brought me to the venue. At that age, I never
knew the significance of the competition or the fact that I was chosen to
represent the school. There were a plethora of students there and I didn’t know
anyone of them and I was so petrified by the unfamiliarity of the setting and
the people. I know that I was on the lookout for you. Our eyes met after a
while and that assurance that you were there by my side gave me the confidence
to attempt the paper. Like I had mentioned, I never knew the significance of
the competition but all I vividly remember and understand was the fact that
throughout the 1-1.5 hours, you stood by the corridor of the hall amidst many
other parents and watched me pen my thoughts on that fresh piece of paper. That
pride on your face, that beam, that look of achievement is something that I can
never forget in this lifetime. I know that I didn’t win that competition but on
that day I knew that I won as a daughter.
From that day
until now, it’s for that look that I have always been striving hard for. My
journey definitely wasn’t smooth-sailing and I fell flat on my face and reached
rock bottom many times (my close ones know exactly what I am talking about and
I don’t wish to go into detail now). There were times where I really wanted to
screw those shit and scream “I QUIT” and give up. But it’s for that look that I
had always told myself to try that one more time, that one more time every
single time just so that that one day I may overcome and conquer those
obstacles. In short, it’s for you that I became a persevering fighter, Daddy.
Thank you for pushing me to challenge my own limits and to firm up the belief
to never give up without a tough fight.
You are a
superhero who works hard to carve out a smile on our faces, a teacher who
teaches with life lessons, a master who leads by words of wisdom and most
importantly, been a good father who had all his life, inspired his daughter to
be a better individual.
For you a thousand
times over, any day, anytime. Love you my Daddy.
You got coloured @
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Yes, I am back :)
Been away from my precious for sometime but oh well, I miss writing. So here I am. Life has been incredibly good and well, probably its about time I pen them down and reflect about it some years down the road.
You got coloured @
Monday, February 17, 2014
So I'm literally back after a long hiatus. I'm a little too tired to type out an entry so I shall take you down the memory lane with some pictures. Well pictures speak a thousands words afterall. So, shall we ?.
Cos it was Valentine's Day. And I visited one of my favourite restaurants all over again. The blissful ambiance and the savoury food.
You know your life is good when you prefer to stay awake because your reality is better than your dreams. The bar has been raised and for some reason, the expectations on me has increased tenfold. Well at one point in time, I was wondering if I could meet all those expectations and then, the voice from within told me to work with that 100% of convictions and everything in life would settle in. So hardwork is all that counts here. With a heavy schedule, all I have to do now is to strike that balance that I need.
So, many people are quite aware that I am in the Media line and that itself can be pressurising at times because my direct competitors are quite well-established and entering into the foray now is quite scary but hey, I won't give up without a fight. So a few jealous one were spinning some tales and I was really so tempted to react but reacting now will only expose my weaker side. There is no better vengeance than the output itself. The countdown is going to start real soon and I will dedicate the output to all those who had games to play behind my back, the jealous ones and the filthy ones.
So its here. SuperStar Challenge 2014. Last year I watched this show as a TV viewer and this year, I will be with the crew. It's going to be my first live show. And I will be meeting one of my favourites from abroad and that truly is the perfect icing on the cake. Can I complain ?. COMING REAL SOON :)
The life of the writer
Start camera, rolling and ACTION. Coming soon :)
So guess whose camera was used. And guess who was literally snapping pictures of himself. Isn't it really good when you're working your favourite artiste.
Yes, my writings.
Guess who :)
So what is life now ?. #100happydays. It's more than that beautiful hash tag. Really :)
My hairstyle may look different here and there because obviously I did my hair and obviously I'm exploring some new looks. Shall post the pictures soon though :P
Cos you can always goof around.
The guys. Amin, Sundram, Jay and Sathiya.
The ladies. Rathi, myself (like duh), Jeyanthi and Gayathri Segaran
Moo bought this and she spent so much on a watch. Touched yet I feel so bad that she spent so much :(
And I really love it. Really do.
Cos life is all about having the best food from around, now. You will never wanna know the kind of food that I am eating now and obviously how irritating it is when I got to like find the time to exercise and to resume the #eatclean 12-week plan. Ada kadavulae.
Work hard and you are allowed to party hard too. That was one awesome night.
When being a foodie is what you truly love doing.
Cos happiness is just next door.
So the wedding of the year is here and the bridesmaid is getting herself ready. I'll be sticking to my roots this year so ... wait till I post the pictures lor !
You got coloured @
Monday, January 20, 2014
As we set the truth forth.
Life after NS ?
National service definitely provides the platform for boys to 'man up'. And we should never underestimate the kind of shit that they go through during their stint as a National Serviceman or even if he chooses to become a regular. So I really do have alot of respect for NSFs and so on.
However of recent times, I started to wonder about something. I do realise that most of them who head to NS would be boys who would be dependent on many other sources for financial support. So once they head to NS and get paid, they naturally have this male ego-booster that somehow propels them to think very highly of themselves. Well I mean this is like one of those moments where this boys are actually independent and that moment actually may provide them a chance to elevate their self-esteem, ain't it ?. But my question here is, so how is life going to be after your stint as a National Serviceman, provided you don't sign on ?. Did you think about YOUR life after NS ?. Did you think about the moment the cocoon of your comforts tear down right infront of your face ?. So what would you be and who would you be ?.
There is always life after NS. There is. Make sure it is a good one because your man-ego can always be challenged and debated upon.
Sometimes its not the amount of girls you've slept with that makes you a man. Or even being lauded a 'ladies man' do the trick. Being a man means, standing on your own feet and being able to support your loved ones. So, man up, boy.
You got coloured @
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
So finally the realisation set in. 27 it is.
Thank you for the generous birthday treat at Straits Kitchen @ Grand Hyatt, bosses. So Menaka and I almost share the same birthday. Her's is on 10th while mine's on the 11th and the bosses were so cute. They secretly tried to smuggle a cake into the office right after our lunch without our awareness and surprised us. A very sweet gesture it was :)
So, this year's birthday was very different. For once, I truly wasn't keen to celebrate my birthday at all especially since it only reminded me of the painful image of my aunt whom I saw alive for the very last time on 11th January, how she was wriggling in pain in the hospital and how I had partied at Rumours while she was living her last few hours. I mean everyone including my family members and then-friends told me to go all out and celebrate my birthday as it was my special day but as I reflect back, I truly have this guilt latched onto my heart and I just couldn't bring myself forth to look forward to my birthday this year. Just totally couldn't. My heart started pounding madly as time was ticking away. I remembered that I broke into cold sweat at 11.58 pm because I just didn't want to see 11th January and 12th January at all.
Told them that I had a phobia of this day and they decided to give me a midnight surprise. Truly touched, I was :)
My dearest sweetheart, thank you for the fabulous day. I mean like I had mentioned to you, you are technically a new friend in my life and I can honestly vouch and say that you did more than what is required of a new friend. You had limited contextual knowledge about my own taste and preferences, expectations and so on and yet you truly took it upon yourself to go all out and to make this day really special for me. Thank you so much. You knew how I was feeling about this day and yet, you made my phobia vanished for a moment with your unconditional love. Thank you so much, love. It truly means alot to me. I'm glad I found someone like you. And fret not, the bond will only get stronger.
And I still think you didn't have to spend a BOMB on me ! :(
Hi Chinnamma, my dearest Mom ! It's been 1 year since you left us. The pain is still as fresh as ever. Sometimes I feel that this would be the kind of pain that will never leave my side that easily. Losing you really tore us into pieces. It really did.
I don't even have the courage to look at your angelic face and not cry. The instant your thoughts hit my mind, I get overwhelmed with emotions. Such is your impact in my life.
You never left our sides. I know. I really know that deep down. But not being able to touch you, hear your voice and see your face really hurts alot. The only excruciatingly painful images I have of you is what I saw on 11th, 12 and 13th.
God sends us his angels to look after us and I know I was lucky enough to witness the love of such an angel. Thank you for everything Chinnamma. Like you have taught us, we will continue to soldier on against the odds. The roughest of season may temporarily paralyse our paths but it can never thwart our spirit or end our fight. Just like you, we would be fighters.
Till I meet you again, I love you with all my heart. I know you are there guiding me throughout but when the tough gets going, just remember to give me a hug and spur me on thereafter. With you by my side, I truly worry less. I love you angel. This unspoken words reverberate throughout my entry now but if only it had reverberated the walls then.
My epitome of hardwork, my idol
I've been waiting for 2 fucking years for this day. I personally know that Messi is too overrated and how the entire FIFA federation including its president, Mr Sepp Blatter and UEFA president, Platini have a thing for Messi. Biaseness on a whole new level. Well Messi is good. He is a natural player. A gifted player to be exact but I don't think he had been performing so well to receive the Balon d'Or 4 times in a row. People like Iniesta and Ronaldo deserved it back then. But this time round, I knew that Ronaldo would win it. I just knew. So I stayed up till 3 am to watch the live show. Fear gripped my heart but I kept telling myself that Ronaldo has to win it.
And he did. My CRISTIANO RONALDO - Balon d'Or 2013 winner ! I had already mentioned on my Facebook post that I was going to celebrate his victory as my own because I idolise him and I know the setbacks he faced in a world that embraces subtle biasness and favouritism. So who emerged as the winner ?. Hahaha.
That scrawny boy from Sporting Lisbon came to Old Trafford with alot of dreams and he knew deep down that he would be the best player in the world one day. He had a tough competitor. The world went crazy over him and they conveniently forgot about the person who worked equally as hard to be on par with the one the world thought was the 'best'. Ronaldo was the forgotten man. That scrawny boy toned up his body to prevent himself from falling prey to the unruly attacks from the vicious defenders. He learned how to prevent injuries. He learned how to maximise his athletic prowess. He decided to stop being the big fish in a small pond and decided to enter the competitive foray and became a small fish in a big pond. But he knew that he wasn't going to remain as a small fish which was dominated by a big fish. So he worked as hard as he could. He set himself some goals - people thought they were unrealistic goals but he knew that he would achieve them.
I was waiting to see him lift the Balon d'Or trophy for a very long time and my dream came true. That adrenaline rush itself prevented me from sleeping and yes, I went to work with no or limited sleep.
Yes, people may conveniently claim that he is a 'cry baby'. But well, when you know that this is something you really wanted for a long time and had worked so hard just to achieve it only to know that your dreams were being dashed time and time again and eventually you motivate yourself all over again to try even harder for just one more time and the dream eventually comes true - something that you truly wanted so bad and trust me, at that juncture, you would have no control over that surging emotions. Sometimes you do have to look back at the road you had traveled to know the amount of shit that went behind the scenes and its about time you realise how strong you had been. Now that's when the tears would flow freely. Tears of extreme joy right from your heart. I had this moment in 2006. I know how blissful it may be. Yes it's not comparable to the range of my idol but I know how it may feel. His hardwork and joy was truly evident in the emotional speech he gave right after the win. Yes. Hardwork. He is my epitome of hardwork.
I love you Ronaldo. Thank you so much for making me believe that hardwork triumphs. Your victory is also mine. Thank you so much for being such an awesome role model and idol. I love you so much my home boy !
She was walking past the KFC outlet along the narrow road when something told her to turn around. For a moment, she thought it was the sign from above because she had more reasons to turn around to practically nothing than to set her sight on the path right infront of her.
She made a quick turn and she saw, right before her, the image of a dashing young man. For some strange reasons, her eyes got fixated on his lips. She was taken in by the curvature of his lips. The rosy tinge on his lips were too alluring. Soon, she channeled her gaze to the skin around his lips and she saw his manly stubbles. She knew, she just had to plant a kiss on those sexy lips. One day. Maybe. Not ?.
She bit her lower lips with some raging excitement. Soon she mentally devoured each and every part of his lower midsection of his face and her gaze traveled up his nose bridge and that instant, the magnetic agglutination proved too much for her to bear. Her eyes locked with his and she knew that at that moment, it was just beyond pure magic. A magic only her heart knew of.
You got coloured @
Sunday, January 05, 2014
"Not all those who wander alone are lost".
It was her Thalai Thavasam - 1st year anniversary prayers as per the Hindu horoscope thingy. I don't quite know what exactly it is called but apparently that date never coincides with the exact day of an individual's demise. So her Thalai Thavsam came on the 2nd January 2014. It is almost going to be a year since you left us, guardian angel but I can assure you that the pain is still ever so fresh. In 2 days time (7th January), it would be exactly a year since we rushed you to the hospital because you had stopped breathing and the very day we learnt that your liver had stopped functioning and also the very day I got to know that your days were numbered. All those moments are totally etched so deeply in my mind that no matter how many years it may take, that memory will never fade away. A couple of times as we were praying, I could feel the depth of the loss and it was just too painful that we couldn't control our tears but well, I know too well that you only left the world but you're still there right beside us. You never left our sides. That I know. Hence, our guardian angel :)
I love you angel. I can see the works of your magic too vividly and I thank you for being there for me during my darkest moments and extending a hand to pull me up from all those turbulence. The faith in you and your omnipresence has propelled me to start the year on a high note. With God and you by my side, I just know that I am not alone and that, achieving all my goals is going to be alot more easier. I love you, angel.
"A dreamer who fulfills his/her dreams die with no regrets".
So I had the most rocking start to 2014. I don't wish to jinx it but I never had such a rocking start in a very long time and I thank you, God and my guardian angel for it.
My 1st day as a Creative Writer (Screen/Script Writer) - (I know the designation seems long but apparently this is what I am called) was fantabulous. It's like I feel I am finally home. It is home, the place where I feel the best. Venga and Haider Ali were both amazing. Venga sir had been treating me and the colleagues for the past 2 days and it's just such a joy to go for lunch all together and have so much of fun. I even got chauffeured to the temple for my prayers by Mr Venga and as he was driving me, he told me so much of tips for my own self-development. To make matters alot more sweeter, I've got an old friend working there. Steven, the ultra talented editor and a very good friend of mine is like my colleague. So I was bugging him whenever he was editing and I even asked him to teach me :P ! Well, there isn't a limit for learning, is there ;) !
Naturally I am the sort of person who cannot be intellectually-stagnant. The instant I feel intellectually-stagnant, I get really bored and restless. That's when my mind would start succumbing to boredom and my self-esteem would plunge. So in this job, I have to like squeeze my brain to come up with a fresh new ideas every single day. Everyday we have a discussion - especially myself, Mr Venga, Mr Haider and 2 APs and we work on the plot from scratch, ask ourselves a few questions, analyse the plot, evaluate it and firm it up and that would just be scene 1 of the first episode. Yea, we really have alot of thinking to do and that really really really makes me SO FUCKING happy. It's like I don't even realise that time runs out. That's how much I am enjoying my job.
Like for the very first time in my life, I feel that I am doing something that I love and am being paid for it. And it makes me feel extra proud (not like the bragging proud here) but truly proud of myself is when I realise that I got headhunted for this job by 2 veterans of media. I don't know, but thank you God and my guardian angel.
So they gave me the screenplay and scripts of 'Vetri' to look through and to have a rough idea on the template and it was a sheer joy to realise how the "infant" project grew up to the "adult stage". Like, we give life to each and every characters based on the way we characterise them. Like its like a beauty to see your infant growing up to an adult right before you on the big screen. That is extreme satisfaction. Absolute bliss.
So I wrote my 1st ever script for the 1st scene of the 1st episode. Like initially I didn't have the Tamil software and I couldn't type out in Tamil and I only typed in romanised Tamil because I actually forgot the whole "kuril" "Nedil", the "na, naa, naaa" and so on and I told Mr Venga that I feel very shy to type out in Tamil because as a Tamil Literature student, I feel super embarrassed to note that I've forgotten how to write in Tamil let alone type. But Mr Venga was soooo sweet, he simply asked me to try and I had a bloody hard time to like type in Tamil because I forgot how the whole Tamil keyboard looked like and I actually used Online Transliteration to type in Tamil :P ! But when I saw the final product, I couldn't stop myself from beaming from ear to ear. I was so proud of myself that I shamelessly sent a small section of my 1st ever script to my loved ones - hehehe :P ! So I can't wait for April because the drama will be aired then and it's a 72 episode drama and yours truly will be the screenplay/scirptwriter. Ahhhhh, excited. I just can't wait to see how the whole thing would unfold itself. Like there is so much of work to do and I totally love the fact that I bring the work home and sacrifice a bit of my sleep to turn the thinking cap on and to plan/map out the screenplay to discuss with the veterans the very next day. Today I can say that even if I die right now, I wouldn't quite regret because I had the chance to live my dream for these 2 days. I know now that I won't die a dreamer but rather as a dreamer who achieved her dream :)
"To capture what my heart and eyes see".
One of my new year resolution for this year is to work on my other interest - photography. Oh yes, I totally forgot to include this part in my 'year-end entry' but allow me to include it here. Firstly, thank you for one of the best birthday gifts ever - the DSLR. I didn't even touch it when it was first presented to be because of the situation that I was in. I only used it for the very first time for 'Thaipusam' that year and I was kinda lost and I never explore it at any juncture. I completely stopped using it after 11th May 2013 and I wanted to sell it off until a gem of a person spoke me out of it.
So let me just emphasise it here. It's not that I cannot purchase my own DSLR or whatever but rather, I am fully aware of the amount of OTs, the amount of self-sacrifice involved in this gift that I got for my birthday and I am totally grateful for it because not many would do that. The value of this DSLR is alot more than the market value because of the sentimental reasons behind it and for that reason alone, I won't sell it off or even damage it in any way. This is purely done out of respect for the sentimental value that this camera carries and I am definitely not an ungrateful person to forget all that and simply sell it or cause any damage to it because this camera is just priceless and no amount of value can match it up. So thank you for the camera.
In addition, I should be thanking Atheeq for telling me to use the manual mode. I mean I definitely was a noob with regards to the settings of the DSLR but Atheeq gave me the encouragement to confidently use the manual mode and my new photography buddy - Vel has been motivating me alot too. So at this juncture, I am still exploring the basics of the aperture, ISO, F stop and exposure and even lightroom. So give me a while and I would definitely master it. I will.
So the mastery starts from 2014. A rocking one it was and it will be.
Artistic and improved shots will come your way. I promise :)
"An undying passion"
So as of now, I would be extremely tied down with work that I would hardly have time for myself. So whenever I have the time, I would pen my thoughts out on my blog. Well, probably for people who visit my blog with the good intentions.
Like its for people like her. For the past few months I had been receiving very interesting accolades and praises from random people and no, I don't wish to brag about it and post pictures of it but rather, I am very touched by this one girl I met at a musical event. I don't know her prior to that musical event and we spoke for the very first time on that day itself and that was when I knew of her existence. So she added me on Facebook and she had been liking my statuses here and there and one day, she dropped me a message saying she really loved my writings. Soon after, she followed my blog and a few other writings on some online websites (I would talk more about them later) and so on. She always drops messages to compliment me on my writings and ask me to never stop writing. So well, I may have grown to this level because of people like her. So my dearest thangatchi, thank you so much for the support and love. People like you are the catalyst behind my growth. Thank you so much. "I aspire to inspire people before I expire" and I guess I am getting closer to that dream day by day. Thank you God and my guardian angel.
Yes, to be better than yesterday for a better me for the tomorrow. A dream that I am working towards this year and my sights will never falter till the goal is reached. For a rocking year and for everything I had lost in 2013. Cheers to my rocking 2014 and of course, for all those who're sharing this same dream with me, come take my hand, we will do it together.
You got coloured @